


The Color Blue

by RitalinDisturbance



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-01-22 12:23:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 50,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12481480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RitalinDisturbance/pseuds/RitalinDisturbance
Summary: "I hate butterflies." Frank said, much to Gerard's shock, "I hate them for being pretty. I hate them for being easy to catch. And having pins stuck through their bodies and being turned into specimens is what I hate most." Frank said simply, almost loving how intelligent he sounded way more than he should have, but he didn't mind. Gerard seemed to love it too, putting the butterfly back down and pointing all of his attention back to Frank."You're a very interesting person, Frank." He said, crossing his arms over his chest again. "But surely," He continued, straightening up a little, "None of these things are the butterfly's fault."





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so bear with me- some of the chapters are written in first person and some are written in first person. I know that's frustrating to some people- sorry about that but I wrote this a couple of years ago and am too lazy to change it. Anyway, I hope you guys like it.

Frank was never the kind of person who expected life to have some sort of a hidden meaning or anything like that. In fact, he didn't expect much of life at all. He didn't consider anything to be clear either; he knew things happened like they did because someone put work into them.

He wasn't your regular type of person, and his mind was unlike any mind you've ever seen.

Frank was different.

A good different though, it's just that he didn't understand that being different in that specific sort of way doesn't necessarily have to be bad.

But there is also a different kind of different that applies to Frank. A bad kind of different.

Frank was eighteen. He's graduated from Woodrow Wilson's High in Belleville, New Jersey. 

He didn't go to college yet. It's not that he didn't want to, he just couldn't, it wasn't quite his choice, but he was definitely going to go to college after all the shit he's in cooled off and he's able to live normally again.

He was smart, and he had a lot of potential. He could get into a good college, then graduate and get a good job. If he's alive by then, which he hoped he will be. But it wasn't up to him.

He used to live with his mom, but after his grandpa died, and Frank's emacipation request was approved, Frank moved into his grandfather's house at seventeen.

His grandpa loved him, so he left almost everything for Frank. And, yeah, maybe it was cool that he didn't have to work for at least a year, or two or something like that, he couldn't bring himself to actually "enjoy" his grandpa's death.

Frank loved him a lot; he was always there for Frank. He was his only friend thought high school, a shoulder to cry on when Frank was so tired of life that he would basically bang his head against the wall until he drew blood.

After grandpa was gone, his mom was the only person that was left to love him. His mom lived in Manhattan, which is not too far from Belleville, but he didn't see her since he'd moved out.

Although Frank got enough money from his grandpa to keep him from working for quite a fair period of time, he couldn't bring himself to just sit around and do nothing. He worked anyway. He was a cashier at the CD store down the street which was called "Music Gate", and was owned by old Mr. Jeff Cloy. Jeff was old, so old that sometimes he would forget what his own job was, if only for a few moments.

Jeff's house was small, dirty, neglected, and was located two blocks away from Frank's mundane home. Frank would stop by Jeff's place every day, and help him out. He'd vacuum the house, wash the dishes, and bring old Jeff some food, and some money.

Jeff had always appreciated Frank's help, but Frank didn't think he considered him a friend. Though, every time Frank would come along, Jeff would say 'hello' and give Frank one of those 'happy-old-people-smiles' which warmed his heart, and every time Frank was about to go away Jeff shook his hand and thanked him. Frank would just smile back and say that it's not a big deal, and it really wasn't. Frank liked Jeff. He liked that even though he knew that he hadn't got much time left on this earth, he was happy, and appreciated the time he'd spent on this planet and the memories he'd made.

Jeff liked to tell frank stories about his life, and Frank always listened. Even if it was the hundredth time he was hearing the same story. He knew when to smile, when to laugh, and when to frown. And he enjoyed listening to Jeff, he really did. Jeff was the closest thing to a friend Frank had after his grandpa died.

And every story would end with the exact same words that Frank has already memorized. "Life is too short to waste, Iero." He said. "You are young, make the most of it." And then he smiled, and patted Frank's back.

Another thing he constantly said, or rather asked, is if Frank had gotten himself a girl. Or a boy. And Frank's answer would always be no. He's only ever been in one relationship, and was quite sure that with the lack of social life, he was going to die alone and lonely.

And then Jeff would tell him that he won't die alone, that sometime, no matter how late, he will find someone who'd love him.

Frank was lonely. Apart from being at Jeff's, he was always alone. His mom called about once every two months to ask if he's okay, but it didn't make him feel less alone. Since his dad died, which was when Frank was about six, maybe seven years old, his mom and him weren't the closest. His dad's death was tough on her; she couldn't really take care of Frank. She couldn't be a mom. So basically, Frank was raised by his grandpa even though he still lived with his mom. Grandpa would take him over to school in the morning, then to his place, and by the late evening, he drove Frank back home.

And Frank was happy with that. But every evening when he came back home, he found his mom sitting in the kitchen, her head buried deep in her hands, bags under her bloodshot eyes, obviously from crying, and a box of pills beside her, which emptied slowly as the days went by.

Every day, as he entered the house, he'd go to the kitchen and ask his mama if she was okay. And she would always nod, and give him the fakest of smiles. "Everything is fine." She'd say, cradle Frank in her lap for a few moments, then kiss the top of his head and tell him to go and get ready to bed.

As Frank grew up and changed, his mom hadn't changed in the slightest. She would be sitting like that, in the kitchen, every day. It broke Frank's heart to see her like that. Throughout his early teens, Frank would come over to her as he got back home, give her a hug and a kiss and tell her that he loves her a lot. She would smile at him lightly and kiss the top of his head and say 'I love you too'.

But throughout his late teens it wasn't like that anymore. At some point, when Frank tried to approach and hug her she would push his arms off gently. "Not now Frank." She would say, or "Frank, please don't" and he'd go away, a huge weight on his chest.

He'd try to hug her all the time, and it would always be like that.

And then, at some point, the bags under her not so bloodshot eyes disappeared. She'd stopped crying, but that wasn't good. She was just numb.

And just about then, she stopped replying when Frank told her that he loves her. She would simply nod. She wouldn't even smile.

And Frank knew that she didn't really realize how much it hurt him, she didn't know that it would cause him to cry himself to sleep every night. That was when Frank realized that there is no point in trying anymore. So they didn't talk for three whole years, not until his grandpa died.

It was on a Wednesday afternoon, and Frank was still at school when he got the call. It was one of the last days of high school. "Your grandfather passed away." His mother said over the phone. "You know he was old, he had a heart episode. Come home if you don't feel like studying today." And then she hung up.

Frank started sobbing like mad before running off to the bathroom and punching the wall until he thought his knuckles might have been broken. The rest of the day he'd just sit in the corner of the boys room and cry silently.

When he came back home, he and his mother didn't talk to each other. His mother was just sitting in the kitchen, like she always did, and Frank just lay on his bed and bawled his eyes out into the pillow.

The funeral wasn't big; it only included Frank, his mom, and a few family friends. It was short, and nothing fancy, and Frank didn't cry at all.

About a month later, Frank moved to his grandfathers house, and started a new episode in his life. He was an adult now, even though he didn't feel any change. He was always mature, he'd felt tragedy as a child and that changed him.

Now he had his own job for a long time, and a house, and bills to pay and money.

And currently, he was lying on the floor on the edge of consciousness, throwing up blood. He managed to call the hospital.

He knew what was happening.

Frank was diagnosed with Acute promyeolytic leukaemia.


	2. White Won't Bring Me Down

There was beeping, nothing more. It was quiet. The room was absolutely silent.

It took a moment for him to realize exactly where he was, and he didn't until his eyes cracked open. The walls were white, and there were cheap paintings hanging on them.

He turned his head to his right, trying to take in his surroundings, and even an action as simple as that sent waves of pain through his head. It made his vision go blurry, if only for a moment, before it adjusted.

There was a heart monitor, and an IV, right in his wrist.

They never put it on the inside of Franks elbow. They never found the vein there.

It hurt.

Frank was so devastated. It was supposed to be over, it was supposed to be over years ago.

It wasn't supposed to come back.

And, when cancer hits you for the second time, you don't usually beat it.

He put his hand on his forehead, trying to get rid of the numbness.

That was officially it for him, he couldn't deal with this right now. He had enough on his shoulders as it was.

He turned his head to his left. There was a little table, then a wall. He had a room all to himself, which was good.

"Oh, god..." he choked out and slumped his head back into the pillow. He curled his body, a little, just so that he was comfortable, on his side, hugging the pillow.

He reached his hand to the button that called the nurse. He waved his hand around, until he found the button and gathered all his energy to press it, then let his hand slump back in exhaustion. He closed his eyes.

He remembered. He knew that this is what you do when you wake up. You always press the button.

He almost drifted back to sleep. Almost.

But, a few minutes after he had pressed the button, he heard the door open.

"Good morning." He heard someone say. It was a male voice.

"Hey..." Frank murmured, trying to wipe a smile over his face, eyes still closed and body still curled. His smile was tired, and given up. It was almost ironic.

Frank opened his eyes.

"How are you feeling?" he smiled back. He was young, almost too young to be a nurse. He looked almost Frank's age. He's probably just finished medical school.

"I'm fine..." he hoarsely croaked out, turning to his back and looking at the ceiling. Though, he really wasn't fine at all. There was just no point, in saying how he felt, anymore. Nothing can make him feel fine now.

"That's good." The nurse said. "Mind if I take a few tests?" he asked, making clanking noises, probably messing around with some doctor stuff.

"Not at all, go ahead!" Frank said almost cheerfully. He closed his eyes again, and started humming, a smile all over his face. He was humming Ziggy Stardust, all jolly and lifelike. Even though he wasn't.

"Alright can you put your left hand on the handle so I can take a blood test?" Frank opened his eyes, and put his hand where he was instructed. He stopped humming.

"Oh, don't stop, I love that song." the nurse murmured while piercing Franks skin with a little butterfly needle. Frank flinched.

"You like bowie then?" Frank asked the nurse as the little test tube was filling up with the red liquid.

"Sure, s' great." He was distracted, disconnecting the tube from the needle, then the needle from Frank's skin.

He took his stethoscope and opened Frank's pajama, only a little, before placing it on his chest. It was cold against Frank's skin, and soothing, in a way. Momentarily stopping the numbness.

"The Ziggy album was a revelation." He said, moving the metal piece over Frank's chest.

"Yeah." Frank breathed out, savoring the chilliness of the stethoscope.

"Take a deep breath..." The young man said, and Frank did. "Good, that's good." He said, as Frank continued breathing heavily.

He took the metal piece of his chest.

"Now turn- Can you turn around?" he asked, uncertainly.

"Sure, course I can." Frank responded, lifting his body of the bed. It hurt. He'd be lying if he said it didn't.

The nurse put his hands on Frank's waist, helping him turn himself over. His hands were cold.

Frank liked that.

He slumped on his stomach and closed his eyes, breathing heavily.

"You okay?" The man asked him.

"Yeah, fine." Frank said, out of breath.

He almost jumped when the cold piece of the stethoscope was put flat on his upper back, between his shoulder blades. Only he couldn't.

"Breathe." He was instructed. He did so. He took deep, long breaths, in and out. The nurse moved the thing from side to side, listening to his pulse.

"All right, done." He said, helping Frank turn his body to lay on his back again. "You seem just fine." The nurse said, smiling. "Anything unusual?" He asked, eying Frank.

"Well, my head hurts." He said. "Like, a lot." He looked up at him, with pleading eyes.

"I'll give you something for that." The nurse said, then got up. Over at the bedside table, there was a bag. He took it, while removing the current bag that was connected to Franks IV.

"Come on, drug me up Doc." Frank said comically, almost making him laugh. Almost. The was a smile across his face.

As he finished, he smiled at Frank. "I'll check on you later." He said and was just about to walk out the door when he hurried back to Frank. "Oh!" He exclaimed as he did so. He went over to the table, and picked up the test tube. "Almost forgot it. Don't wanna have your blood just laying around, do we?" he laughed and hurried to the door.

"Thanks, Doctor." Frank murmured. The nurse stopped at the door, and turned around. He had one hand on the door handle.

"Call me Gerard." He said cheerfully, then hurried out the door and down the hall, closing it behind him.

He was nice, Frank concluded. Then, let his head fall back swimming with thoughts.

Not long after, he drifted back to sleep.


	3. Green Solace

It's been six days since Frank was taken to the hospital. Out of those, Frank has been mostly awake for 3 days, in which he was getting tested, scanned, had an MRI, and in between those, slept and ate.

Why does it have to be so sludgy? If it's not stable, it's not jello.

Frank poked the so called jello with a spoon. He was definitely not intending to eat that. He sighed softly, and put the tray on the bedside table.

Frank felt quite depressed. But he also felt something else. He was less lonely, the hospital being such a busy social place. Frank felt like that sad little bowl of green jello no one wants to eat.

Suddenly, the door to his room opened disturbing his thoughts. A little girl burst in. She seemed about six years old, pigtails on her head and a big white cast on her arm. She ran towards Frank's bedside table and sat under it giggling.

She looked at Frank. He smiled at her.

"What's in your nose?" She asked quietly.

"It helps me breathe", Frank said. "What are you doing here, where are your parents?" He followed.

"I'm playing hide and seek with daddy." She said happily. "What's your name?" She asked, waving her arms from side to side as much as she could under the small table.

"I'm Frank. What's yours?" He asked.

"Tina." She said, pushing her head out of the table to check if anyone entered the room. Then she turned back and looked at Frank, staring at the large needle in his wrist. "Does it hurt?" She asked him, her eyes wide.

"Nah.." Frank said.

"Why do you have that?" she grabbed the legs of the table, swinging back and forth on the balls of her feet.

"Well, I'm sick and it helps me get better. Just like your cast." He said.

"How old are you?" She kept investigating. Frank didn't mind, he likes kids.

"I'm eighteen years old." He said proudly.

"Wow eighteen? That's so old!" Tina said, and Frank laughed, and noticed the little untouched bowl of sad green jello sitting on the table. He picked it up.

"Would you like some jello Tina?" The kid smiled and Frank handed her the little bowl and a spoon.

"Thank you!" she said happily, and sat under the table, eating the not so sad anymore jello.

A tall young man walked into the room. "Tina! I told you not to go out of the lobby, it's impolite to go into people's rooms without permission!" The man said sternly, walking over to franks bed.

"But I found the best hiding spot Daddy!" Tina said while swallowing a spoonful of jello.

"I'm sorry Sir, I hope she wasn't any trouble." The man said, helping the little kid out of the table.

"No need to be, as far as I see it, it was the highlight of my day." Frank smiled at the father.

The man nodded. "Did you thank the boy for the jello honey?" He picked her up and kissed her cheek.

"Yes daddy."

"Well, we better go then." The man said. Carrying the child towards the door. "Have a nice day!" He said to Frank.

"Bye Frank!" the girl waved at him, and he smiled and waved back at her.

As they exited, Gerard the nurse came in, all smiley.

"Cute kid." Gerard commented. "Your family?" He asked happily, closing the door behind him. Frank shook his head. "Friends then?" Frank shook his head again.

"Just a little girl who was playing hide and seek with her dad." He said, tugging at his pajama.

"Oh I see." Said Gerard, taking a sphygmomanometer out of his cart. "Mind if I check your blood pressure?" He asked Frank, gently putting the device on his arm.

"As long as it's going to get me out of eating any more of this hospital food." Gerard smiled at his remark, squeezing a little ball and inflating the device on Frank's arm.

"You hungry?" Gerard asked him. Frank was feeling the pressure rise on his arm. He liked the feeling.

"No." Frank took a deep breath, closing his eyes and laying his head back. He slowly exhaled. He hadn't had much appetite since he was admitted to the hospital.

"Everything okay?" Gerard asked and Frank opened his eyes. He nodded.

Gerard took the device off Frank's arm and put it back in the cart, then sat down next to Frank.

"Listen, I know you probably know what's happening and all that, but I'm legally required to break the news to you. You..."

"Have cancer, yeah I know." Frank cut him off.

"Yeah." Gerard said, lingering there for a moment. He then got up abruptly. "Uhhh... You know... I'm supposed to make you eat even if I have to force you." He lifted his brows.

Frank laughed a little. "You're never gonna catch me alive." Frank shook his head and smiled lightly.

Gerard took the tray off the table. "Come on, just one toast and I'll spare you." Frank sighed and sat up, picked up the toast and took a small bite.

"So." He said, "When am I gonna die?" He took another bite.

"Don't think about that." Gerard said and handed him a piece of cheese, "And eat that too."

"But I'd like to know." Frank said, and grabbed the piece of cheese in a dissatisfied manner.

"We don't know yet, I'll tell you when we will." Frank nodded and looked down, chewing on the gooey cheese. "How are you dealing with the news?" Gerard asked him, while pouring a glass of water and placing it on Franks table.

"Oh, pretty good." Frank tried to fake a smile. Gerard furrowed his eyebrows a little.

"What about your family?" Frank put the food back on the tray and lay down. "Do you have a family?" he investigated further.

"I have a mom." Frank said nonchalantly. "I'm sorry but I don't feel comfortable talking about this."

"That's okay." Gerard answered. "But just know that if you ever need to talk or something, we're obligated to listen to you." Frank nodded. "And finish your toast, you punk."

Frank burst out laughing and Gerard went out of the room smiling, clearly proud of himself.

"See you soon."


	4. Brown Memories

Frank grew to really like the hospital staff in the last couple of weeks. Everybody was nice, and Frank had to admit, having social connections felt really great.

Being at the hospital wasn't so bad after all- Frank felt less melancholy here, ironically, considering the fact that he had terminal cancer, and that realization was yet to sink in.

He hadn't had that big 'oh' yet, almost like the information was refusing to settle in his mind.

Frank was sitting on his bed, grabbing his long-ish hair. His hair was brown and full, and most definitely the thing Frank liked most about his appearance.

The last couple of days, Frank had been obsessively clutching at his hair, running his fingers through it and sighing. Even though he may have not yet realized that he is going to die, he definitely realized that his hair is.

And no matter how much he hated to admit it, it affected him more than it probably should have.

When he was in his early teens, Frank considered dying his hair a bright color- blue, green, or maybe even yellow.

But as he stood shirtless in his bathroom, his reflection staring back at him, with a box of bleaching powder in his left hand, he found himself unable to do it.

Brown.

It looked so good on him. It was more 'Frank' than any other color that comes from a bottle could ever be.

Frank liked his hair brown, so he kept it. He always preferred to wear it either long or in a fauxhawk, and perhaps, his favorite was the in between.

His hair was in the in between right now.

His first chemo session is going to be today. And Frank knew- he knew his hair would be gone soon but he couldn't bring himself to accept it. The hair is him- just like Samson. His power was in his hair.

He could either ask to get it buzzed before the chemo session today, or he could watch it slowly thin down and fall out, and he didn't know which one was worse.

He couldn't keep obsessing about it, it wasn't good for his mentality. He decided to listen to some music, and so, he took his ipod off the table and put his big chunky headphones, strands of his hair falling over his eyes. He put on the classic 'Transformer' by Lou Reed, and as he listened, he slowly drifted to sleep.

Frank was woken up by a hand touching his, and noticed the absence of the ipod in his hand. He opened his eyes. Gerard was holding his ipod, putting it on the bedside table. 'Satellite of Love' was playing in his headphones, which means he had been asleep for about twenty minutes. Frank took his headphones off, and Gerard smiled at him. Frank really liked the way Gerard smiled. His smile was wide, and crooked, and perfectly imperfect.

"Sorry I woke you up, it was about to fall." He said and gestured to the ipod. Frank made a soft sound in the back of his throat and rubbed his eyes.

"It's okay." Frank said quietly, and opened his eyes again. Gerard's hair was pulled into a pony tail, and Frank couldn't help but stare at it.

It was so strange. But it looked good on him.

"What's up with your hair?" Frank asked, his voice croaky with sleep. Hair. Frank remembered his own hair, and put his hand on it, savoring the feeling that will be gone soon.

"It was getting too long to be safe, so I have to wear it up now." Gerard noticed Frank rubbing his own hair. "Why, don't you like it?" He asked and Frank's head snapped up.

"No, it looks good. You look good." Frank said quickly only making Gerard chuckle. It probably sounded like Frank didn't really mean it. He did though, it only came out so fast because he was embarrassed.

Gerard sat down next to Frank's bed and sighed lightly.

"How are you feeling? Any pain?" He asked Frank, who sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Headaches." He said and closed his eyes.

"I see." Gerard said, and Frank heard him get up. "Have you decided?" He asked, making a few clanking noises. "About the hair?" He followed, and Frank sighed desperately, opening his eyes.

"I want it buzzed off." He said nonchalantly, looking down and stroking his hair.

"Is it hard for you?" He asked, and Frank deemed it a little offensive, I mean it should be obvious, of course it's hard for him.

"Samson." Frank murmured, and clutched a clump of hair. His hair was soft, well nourished, Frank treated it very well. His hair was very healthy.

"Excuse me?" Gerard asked, confused.

"You know Samson? From the bible?" Frank asked, Gerard's eyebrows raised a little.

"Yeah, Samson the hero. What about him?"

"I am Samson." Frank said. "My hair is my power. Losing my hair is losing my power." Frank said, his eyes glued to Gerard's, he was still very offended.

"It suits you. Frank the hero." He smiled lightly, and as Frank listened to his voice, he found the power to forgive him. After all, Gerard was just trying to be nice. "Is there a specific barber you want to do it?"

"Yeah, actually. Can that be arranged?" Frank asked, and looked up hopefully. Gerard took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Frank.

"Go ahead, call him. The sooner it is, the better. I'll drive you." He said, and Frank accepted the phone thankfully, Gerard's hand brushing his while he's at it. His hands were cold. Frank typed the number, and called his favorite barber. His name was Greg. He was in his mid thirties, and he himself rocked a buzzcut. He was always happy to hear from Frank, and said that he can get it done as soon as Frank wants it. And so, Frank hung up, and just like that, They were on their way to Gerard's car.

Gerard took off his nurse's outfit (Yet, oddly enough, kept the pony tail), and Frank saw the regular guy underneath. He wore a pair of blue jeans and a plain black t-shirt. He drove a black Honda, and had stacks of cds scattered around in his car. Frank climbed in, feeling a subtle sting in his chest with every movement he made.

"You alright Frank?" Gerard asked as he got in, and put his seatbelt on.

"Yeah, I'm okay." Frank answered, buckled up, and proceeded to tell Gerard the address.

"Wanna listen to some music?" Gerard asked, and Frank nodded in response. Gerard resumed to fumble in the back of the car and popped a cd in.

'Satellite of Love' came up, and he smiled at Frank's surprised.

"Saw what you were listening to earlier, thought we'd pick up where you left off. Do you mind?" He asked, and of course, Frank didn't. He smiled widely at Gerard.

"Dude, you are so awesome!" He blurted out unintentionally, way too excited, and Gerard laughed.

The drive wasn't that long, 15 minutes maybe, and neither one of them tried to conversation for a little while, until Frank decided to chime up.

"Gerard, how old are you?" He asked, and Gerard smiled, his eyes still on the road.

"I'm twenty three."

"Oh." Frank said. He was very young, almost too young to finish four years of medical school. "I assume you know how old I am..." Frank mentioned quietly, and Gerard chuckled slightly.

"Of course I do, you're a baby, 18 years old." Once again, Frank did not appreciate that comment. He's not a kid, he was actually very mature for his age. He didn't understand why Gerard had to say that, he must remember what it's like to be a teenager, and being called a kid was a huge trigger. Gerard probably noticed Frank's reaction.

"Frank, I was joking. You're very mature for your age, much more than I was when I was eighteen, much more than any eighteen year old I've seen. You should be proud." At that, Frank blushed. He wasn't used to getting compliments like that, except from old Jeff.

Old Jeff.

Frank hasn't been in work for two weeks, and he hasn't told Jeff anything, he must be worried sick.

"Shit." Frank murmured, fishing for his phone in his back pocket. Gerard glanced at him.

"What, what's wrong?" He asked.

"Give me a second." Frank said as he punched the numbers in and put the phone to his ear.

"Hello?" Old Jeff's voice popped up, croaky and tired.

"Hey Jeff, I'm sorry I wasn't showing up." Frank said apologetically, picking at his hoodie.

"Why weren't you coming to work?" He asked, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"I'm sorry, I'm sick and need to stay at the hospital for a while, I'll try to get back to work as soon as I can." Frank really was sorry, Jeff was the closest thing he had to a family. The last thing he wanted is to make him feel bad.

"What happened, anything serious?" Asked Jeff, genuinely concerned.

"No, nothing serious." Frank said a little more quietly, praying for Gerard to not notice. Gerard glanced at Frank, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Ok then Iero, get better. I'd really appreciate your help at the shop."

"Thanks, I'll come back when I can."

"Bye, Frank."

"Have a good day." Frank hung up, and instantly, Gerard's voice chimed in.

"Why'd you lie?" Frank kept silent. "Who was it, your boss?" He followed.

"Yes." Frank said.

"Why did you lie?" He asked again, and Frank rubbed his eyes.

"He's very old and has enough trouble of his own, I don't want to worry him." Frank answered honestly.

"Did you tell anyone?" Gerard asked, and Frank shook his head, not realizing that Gerard was driving and probably wouldn't see.

"No" he said.

"Why don't you ever talk about your family?" That was it.

"Jesus, Gerard, what is this, 20 questions?" Frank snapped, and looked down at his knees. Gerard seemed to have taken offense to that, and kept quiet for a few moments.

"I just- you don't tell anyone anything and thing is, you don't have to deal with it alone. I'm just worried, is all." He said, lowering his voice and talking slower.

"Sorry I snapped." Frank said. "My dad died when I was a kid, and I'm not in good relations with my mom. The only real family I have is my old boss, he reminds me of my grandfather. But I rather he doesn't know." Frank opened up, and Gerard nodded.

"I get it." He said, as they pulled up to the barber shop and came in. Greg smiled at Frank as he came in.

"The usual?" He asked, as he shook Frank's hand.

"Nah, I'm going for the big buzz." He said, and Greg's eyes widened.

"Really? You?" He asked and Frank nodded. "Okay, as you wish." Frank sat down on the chair and Greg wrapped him in a hair cutting cape. Frank flinched as he heard the sound of the buzzer come close to his head.

"You sure?" Greg asked him and Frank nodded. It's now or never, if he thinks any more he'll regret it. He felt the machine touch his head, and saw the first chunk of dark brown hair fall to the floor. He kept looking at the piled up hair on the ground, treasuring it while it was still there, brown and thick and healthy. He didn't dare to look at the mirror- he didn't want to know what he would look like.

"So." Greg's voice knocked him out of his thoughts. "Who's the guy?" He asked, glancing back at Gerard, who was sitting on a waiting sofa, reading what seemed to be a makeup magazine of some sort.

"Just a friend." Frank said, distracted, as the last chunk of hair disconnected from his scalp and fell to the ground.

"All done." Greg said, and Frank looked at the mirror. He looked weird, and sad, and pale and bald. He looked like cancer.

"Looks good." Gerard said from behind and Greg nodded in agreement.

"Suits you." Said Greg, "You look badass, like a skinhead." Frank smiled, and noticed that with his earring, and the tattoo on his neck, he did look kind of cool. But he didn't know if he'd ever feel as confident and as powerful as he did with his hair. He looked at the big mess on the ground, and sighed slightly. Frank really did love his hair.

As Greg went out to take a phone call, Frank was trying to get out of the stupid cape somehow, and as he was, Gerard came up to him.

"You know, it's tied." He said and undid the knot that was (apparently) on the back of Franks neck. Frank threw the cape away, and stared at himself in the mirror, touching his naked, pale scalp.

"Don't worry." Gerard told him. "You look mighty handsome." He said, and Franks cheeks turnedcompletely red, and he thanked god Gerard already turned around and couldn't see him. Greg came back into the shop and got behind the register.

Frank came up to the counter, and took a ten dollar bill out of his pocket.

"Come on Frank, for you, five dollars." Greg said smiling at him, but Gerard pushed Frank's hand aside.

"It's on me." He said, and paid for Franks haircut.

"So why did you want it all buzzed, anyway?" Greg asked, and Frank decided that he should start admitting what's going on to himself, first of all, and the first step would be to stop lying.

"I have cancer. Decided to go for the full look."


	5. Black and White

That same day, Gerard sat with Frank all through his first chemo session. Frank almost forgot how shitty you feel after chemo, he was absolutely drained. He didn't know how much longer he can deal with it all, again.

Frank was sitting on his bed, looking at the ceiling, trying to gather his thoughts. He's been stroking his bald head a lot, missing the sensation of hair between his fingers. His mind would often drift far away the past few days, and he figured that what he truly wanted to do most was to just play a simple game of chess. He used to play chess with his grandpa all the time, wrecking his head to figure the game out. By the time he was sixteen, he'd completely mastered it, and was unbeatable even by his grandpa.

His hand slowly found its way to his scalp again, slowly stroking it. Yeah, a game of chess would definitely help take his mind off things.

And so, Frank made his way to the second floor lobby, where they keep magazines and games on the waiting tables, for kids visiting their family members.

Surely enough, finding a chess board wasn't hard at all, and after about fifteen minutes he was sitting at the little coffee table in his room, playing against himself. Trying to beat yourself is probably the hardest way to play, and a great way to practice.

As one of his black bishops collected a white rook, the door slowly opened andFrank's eyes shot up. It was Gerard, as per usual, with his lunch.

"Stealing toys, Iero?" He asked, a smile on his face, while putting the tray on his bedside table.

"Just borrowing." Frank said, his eyes slowly finding their way back to the board, helping him calculate his next move.

"Are you any good?" Gerard sat on his bed, crossing his arms over his chest in a snobby kind of way.

"Unbeatable." Frank replied, smirking to himself, and Gerard snorted and laughed a little. He got up, took the apple off the tray and handed it to Frank.

"Eat an apple at least, would you? And don't take too long or your food will get cold." Frank took the apple in his hand.

"Which color is it?" He asked, a little distracted. Food can wait.

"Excuse me?" Gerard asked, a little confused.

"The apple, I mean." Frank explained himself, and decided that he's going to move his white pawn to C4. That way, the black queen can't move anywhere, or she'll get eaten.

"Oh, green. Why?" a little smiled crawled onto his lips.

"Green apples are my favorite. I don't really like other types of apples." He took a bite. The apple was great, fresh and juicy and sour, just right. Just like Frank liked it.

"I'm glad you like it, then." Gerard said, and stood in place for a while. Frank didn't say anything, he couldn't figure what to say. And so, after a few seconds, Gerard cleared his throat and made his way towards the door. As he opened it, Frank finally figured it out.

"Gerard?" Frank asked for his attention , and he stopped in place, door half open.

"Yes?"

"I'm lonely." Frank said, and turned the board to ponder his next move.He took another bite.

"Oh." He said, taking a step back into the room and closing the door behind him. "Frank, I really don't know what to-"

"Would you play chess with me?" Frank cut him off, a pleading look on his face. "Please. Just stay a little." He asked. Gerard looked at him for a couple of moments, and then glanced at his wrist watch. He looked back at Frank, and smiled lightly.

"Of course." He said, and grabbed himself a chair. "I thought you'd never ask." He added, as he sat opposite of Frank, and started reorganizing the pieces.

"Frank, can I ask you something?" He asked whilst putting his black pieces on the white squares.

"Sure, anything." Frank answered, arranging the white pieces on the black squares.

"Something personal?" Frank looked up at him, raising his eyebrows. He nodded. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah." Frank said matter-of-factly, nodding. Gerard sighed, and took his hands off the chess board, looking straight in his eyes.

"No, I mean," He said, pausing to think for a moment, and Frank took the time to put the apple away, for the meantime. "How are you doing? You know, in your head." He said, and Frank figured that he didn't mean it to sound as bad as it did.

"I'm doing okay." He said. Frank never thought too long when anybody asked Him questions like that. His default reaction was, of course, to say that he's fine, even if truly, he didn't know what he was.

"You're repressing way too much." Gerard commented. "Frank, I'm not here just to take your pulse and bring you food. Anyone can do that. Please, just talk to me." He was calm and gentle, but Frank didn't think he really understood the weight of his words. Frank doesn't just talk, he never did, and that was one of the hardest things for him. Communication about serious topics, that is.

"Gerard, I'm sorry but-"

"Let's just play. If you decide to open up, I'm here." He said, and Frank liked the idea.

Gerard turned out to be really good at chess, and he was, apparently, very competitive. Frank was looking at the pieces he had left, all of them on black squares. He didn't know which move he could make, at this point, that wouldn't result in him losing. It was a good time to talk. Maybe he can distract Gerard, even.

"Truth is, Gerard, I don't know how I'm doing. I feel nothing, I don't think the whole situation sunk in yet." Frank said, and lay back in his chair, closing his eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I should cry, but I can't. I should call his mom and tell her that I love her, but I can't. The only person who knows what's going on is my barber who Ionly see twice a year. " There was silence, after that. Frank figured Gerard didn't really know how to respond; he knew he wouldn't.

"I should care, shouldn't I? People usually do. Something's wrong with me, I know it. I'm not trying to repress anything, Gerard ,I just really don't feel a fucking thing and it makes me so mad that I want to put his fist through a wall." Gerard kept quiet. Frank straightened up and opened his eyes, looking at Gerard first, then on the board, and back at Gerard. He was starting to get mad, really mad. Everything was so unfair. The world could make his dad die, the world could make his mom ignore him, it could give him cancer twice and it would be just fine if only he could cry it all out. He don't mind the disease, the real problem is inside of him, in his head. It's unfair.

"Jesus Gerard, you're pissing me off." Frank said, and slammed his fist on the table. Not quite hard, but hard enough to make Gerard flinch.

"W-what did I do?" He asked innocently, eyes opened wide and eyebrows raised.

"You keep asking me if I'm okay, you keep telling me you care, you try to make me open up and when I do you just shut up. What is your deal? If you don't know how to respond don't talk me into telling you in the first place." Gerard looked at Him, a little shocked.

"Get up." He said, in a stern voice that Frank never knew Gerard could conjure.

"Excuse me?"

"I said get up." He got up, Frank kept sitting. "Now, Frank." Frank sighed heavily and stood up, crossing his arms over his chest.

"What do you want?" He asked Gerard, as he started approaching Frank, arms spread. Before he could hug him, Frank put his hand on his chest and pushed him back lightly.

"No." Frank said. "I don't need your compassion, Gerard. Don't." Gerard looked at him, disappointed. He looked defeated.

"I just thought- I thought you might need it." He put his arms down, looking at his feet. Frank has never seen him so defeated.

"I'm not trying to be mean. I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you. It's just that I'm not looking for your sympathy. I need you advice, Gerard. I don't want your pity. I'm doing fine." Frank glanced at the board. The black pieces were all around, blocking his every move. What could he do? He couldn't abandon the game, but he couldn't let himself lose either. "You completely cornered me, didn't you?" Gerard chuckled, and Frank smiled, if only just a little.

"You're really something extraordinary, Frank Iero." He said and took a step back. They were standing almost uncomfortably close to each other. "Listen. I'm here to listen to you, and I'm trying to help, but sometimes I don't have anything to offer except for a hug and maybe a game of chess. I just thought you may need some weight taken off your chest, is all."

"Yeah, you're right." FRANK sat down. "I'm sorry. Trust me, I appreciate everything you do."

"I have no doubt about that." Gerard sat across from him, and Frank was looking at his white pieces, trying to figure a way to escape. "You're not going to find a way out, you know." He was right.

"Say it then." Frank said.

"Checkmate." He announced, making Frank feel a sharp sting in his chest. He hasn't lost a game in two years. He sighed heavily.

"You're really good." Frank commented, looking down.

"Why are you so bummed? It's just a game, Frank."

"I know, I just-" Frank sighed again. "I guess I'm just too damn proud." Frank said quietly, starting to put his white pieces back in the box.

"Sorry?"

"I said I'm a sore loser and a big baby." Frank said a bit more loudly and Gerard laughed.

"You're a great player, Frank." Frank rolled his eyes at that. "No, no, you really are, I swear, it was nearly impossible to beat you." He collected his black pieces, and threw them in the box.

"Really?" Frank asked, maybe looking for compliments a little too much. Chess is a very fragile subject to Him.

"Yeah, really." Gerard folded the board and put it in the box. "The most interesting game of chess I played in a very long time." He added, and got up.

"You're going?" Frank asked, sounding a little more disappointed than he intended to.

"I'm running out of time, I'm sorry. Do you wanna play again some time?" He asked and Frank got up as well, smiling.

"Yeah, of course." Gerard smiled back at him, then turned around, making his way towards the door. "Wait, Gerard." He turned to face Frank.

"Yeah?" Before Frank could regret it, or remember that he doesn't really want any physical contact or sympathy or whatever, he hugged Gerard. He didn't respond at first, a little surprised, maybe, but soon enough, he put his arms on Frank's back and patted it gently.

"Thank you." Frank said. "For spending your time on me." Frank pulled away, feeling very embarrassed. He's naturally a very shy person, not one to initiate a hug, and not one to just tell people they piss him off. But Gerard had something about him, something that made Frank feel more secure, that made him open up.

"Anytime." Gerard said, and before he closed the door behind him, he called for Frank's attention. "Frank, you wanted advice, right?" Frank nodded, sitting on his bed and taking the food tray in his hands. "Call your mom. You say it's all clogged up inside, right? Maybe talk to someone you really care about, and the plug will release. Think about it, okay?" Frank nodded again, as Gerard shot him a gentle smile and closed the door.

Frank looked down at the food. White rice and black beans. Like Him. There's the black side, the normal one, for day to day life. Then there's the white side, for fighting and enduring the worst. The black side is clean and smooth, polished, whereas the white side is bruised, uneven, nearly broken. All Frank needs to do is to put some cement between the cracks, to dye it all over again, to let it heal. But that can wait, Frank thought, as he swallowed a forkful of rice.

For now, he needs to practice. He put the food aside, and took the board out of the box.

Next time, I'll be ready, Frank thought to himself and smirked. Next time, his white pieces will no longer be bruised and defeated.

Next time, Frank will make sure Gerard loses.


	6. Purple Butterflies

It was a Saturday, and Frank was taking a much needed nap in the afternoon. As he woke up, he felt something on his arm, and looked down to see a little purple butterfly. It was sitting there, on his arm, as though it belonged there. Quite ironically, Frank had a tattoo of a purple butterfly on his other arm. It made him smile a little, made him remember the first tattoo he ever got, and the reason he got it.

"Hey there." Frank said to the little butterfly, knowing that it will probably be dead in less than a day.

"How are you?" The butterfly, of course, did not answer, and just wiggled its feelers. It seemed lonely, as if it wanted his attention.

"I'm lonely too." He told the butterfly knowingly. Frank always talked to butterflies, it was something he had learned from his grandpa when he was a kid and has been doing ever since.

Slowly, the door to his room opened, Gerard creeping in quietly.

"Oh you're awake." He said. "I thought you were asleep"

"Yeah, I was up until a couple of minutes ago." Frank said, putting his finger next to the butterfly, while it took the hint and jumped on it.

"Got a little friend there, I see." He gestured to the butterfly, smiling, then glimpsed at his other arm and said "Matches the other one."

"Yeah," Frank smiled too, "That was actually the first tattoo I ever got."

"Oh really? Why necessarily a butterfly?" Gerard asked, sitting next to Frank and folding his arms over his chest.

"Well," Frank started, letting the butterfly off on the table, "When I was a kid I was afraid of butterflies, and there were always so many when I used to walk through the park with my grandpa. So he always told me that butterflies are just our loved ones coming down from heaven to say hello, if only for a few moments. Ever since then, I always imagined that it's my dad coming to visit me, to say sorry, maybe. I still kind of believe it, I guess." Frank looked at Gerard and he nodded.

"That's really beautiful." He said, giving Frank a lingering serious look.

"You think?" Frank asked, laughing a little awkwardly, loving the way Gerard appreciates everything he tell him.

"Yeah, it really is, Frank." He said, and a few moments of silence followed, which was a little awkward.

"So..." Gerard said, probably trying to break the silence, "You like butterflies then?" The awkwardness with which he was talking made Frank burst in laughter, which Gerard soon joined. After Frank calmed down a little, he answered "Actually I don't." Gerard seemed absolutely puzzled.

"You don't....?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows. Frank smiled at him.

"They mean a lot to me, yeah, but I never said I liked them."

"How do you feel about them then?" Gerard asked, putting his own finger next to the butterfly, letting it climb it.

"I hate butterflies." Frank said, much to Gerard's shock, "I hate them for being pretty. I hate them for being easy to catch. And having pins stuck through their bodies and being turned into specimens is what I hate most." Frank said simply, almost loving how intelligent he sounded way more than he should have, but he didn't mind. Gerard seemed to love it too, putting the butterfly back down and pointing all of his attention back to Frank.

"You're a very interesting person, Frank." He said, crossing his arms over his chest again. "But surely," He continued, straightening up a little, "None of these things are the butterfly's fault." He said matter of factly,

"It might not be the butterfly's fault, but it sure is a reminder of all that is wrong with the world. Humans would take anything they consider beautiful for themselves, even kill it just to get their hands on it." Frank explained, stroking the little inked butterfly on his right arm. "Mine is with me forever. No one can ever capture it or hurt it, or make a profit out of it. It's a little bit of beauty that I can carry around with me wherever I go." Gerard was looking at him, maybe surprised by the amount of intellect that Frank actually posses, maybe not knowing what to say, and maybe, just maybe, thinking that actually everything Frank had just told him is bullshit and just hiding it really well. Frank's heart was beating fast with excitement, about sharing some of his deepest thoughts with someone, about being close to Gerard, or maybe because of being nervous that he would consider him an idiot after this conversation.

"Are you okay?" Gerard asked, perhaps noticing Frank's fast breathing, or maybe he could read minds and knew just how nervous Frank was.

"Yeah it's just..." Gerard was looking really intently at him. "My heart is beating quite fast." Frank said, begging for Gerard to shrug it off, but instead he brought his hand over to Frank's chest, asking "May I?"

The sudden contact only made Frank's heart beat faster, but he nodded, of course. It's better to check after all, he told himself, to rule out the possibility that he was having a stroke, or something related to the disease that could potentially be dangerous.

"Count to thirty ok?" Gerard asked. "Tell me when you start." His hand was a little cold, and soft, and felt just right.

"Now." Frank said and started counting. It seemed to be the longest 30 seconds of his entire life, and he made sure to savor every moment of it, every little shock of electricity that shot through his nerves every once in a while where Gerard's hand lay flat on his chest. Gerard's eyes shot up, every few seconds, and Frank was always right there, looking back at him.

"That's it." He said, and Gerard didn't bother to hurry in removing his hand from where it was.

"You're ok." He said, slowly letting his hand slide off of him. "It's beating fast but it's not excessive." Frank nodded, and kept quiet for a little while.

"So...." Frank said, looking down at his intertwined fingers. "What did you come here for then? Give me medicine, bring me food?" Frank asked, coming off a bit rude perhaps.

"No." Gerard said, looking into his eyes. "I just wanted to spend some time with you, isn't that what friends do?" He asked, sounding a little hurt.

"Yeah, no, of course. Sorry, it was rude of me to say that, I didn't mean it like that. I really like your company." Frank said, rubbing one of his arms in a bashful sort of manner.

"I really like your company too." He said. "And I have something I wanted to give you, for Christmas." He said, as he pulled a gift covered in silver wrapping from under the bed and handed it to Frank.

"Wow, really?" Frank asked, a mixture of surprise and happiness in his voice. "It's only in a couple of weeks though." Frank said.

"So what? Consider it an early treat." Gerard smiled and nudged Frank's shoulder with his own.

"Wow, thank you, Gerard, I don't even know what to say. I didn't expect this..." Frank said as he took the gift in his hands.

"You don't have to say anything, Just open it." Gerard gestured to the box and Frank started to tear the wrapping off. It was a brand new chess board- no missing pieces that Frank had to replace with monopoly characters. It was smooth, and reflective, and complete with a set of beautiful glass pieces.

"Woah" Frank said. "This... That's incredible, Gerard. I just- thank you so much." Hesaid, as Gerard just smiled at him.

"No problem. I saw it in this store, and it reminded me of you, I had to get it." He said, but Frank was already too busy putting the gift down, and spreading his arms to hug Gerard. As he did, Gerard put his hands on Frank's back and gave it a pat.

"I didn't want you to have a lonely Christmas." He said. He was warm and comfortable, and Frank's head fit perfectly on his shoulder.

"Don't worry about me, Gerard. I'll be fine." Frank said, maybe lying to Gerard, and maybe lying to himself as well. He pulled away slowly.

"Did you talk to your mom?" Gerard asked and Frank shook his head. "Well, you should. I don't want you to be alone on Christmas, got it?" He said, making Frank smile crookedly, happy that Gerard's worried about him, but sad that he probably will have to be spending it alone.

"You don't know my mom. I don't reckon she would come." Frank said. "I'll call her, I promise, but It's not likely." He continued, maybe sounding a little too bittersweet.

"Well." Gerard said, rubbing his hands together, "If she doesn't come, I come here with my brother. We got a deal?"

"What, no, Gerard you should spend Christmas at home, be with your family-"

"I don't care, I'd love to be with you on Christmas too, and I bet you'd love my brother. Discussion over, I'll be coming." Frank gave a sigh of defeat.

"Fine..." Frank said as Gerard got up.

"What, you want to get rid of me already?" He asked sarcastically and Frank laughed.

"Not at all" Frank said to him, trying to get the butterfly back on his finger.

"Catch you later, Iero." Gerard said as he went out the door, winking at him.

And that was the moment Frank realized that Gerard made him feel like he had a thousand butterflies in his stomach whenever he saw him. And with that thought in his head, and with the butterfly fluttering off his hand and out of the window, Frank fell asleep again.


	7. Red and Green

Frank had been sitting on his bed, rubbing his sweaty hands against each other while staring at the small Christmas tree Gerard had put in his room. The tree was dark green, and the decorations were bright red, and it looked so cliché but Frank loved it. Gerard put those tiny little trees in the rooms of every patient on the floor. Frank felt warm inside as he looked at it.  
It was just a couple of hours before Christmas Eve, and his mom was supposed to come visit him.

He didn’t particularly want her to, if he was being completely honest with himself, but he promised Gerard that he would talk to her, and so he had to. And when he did, it seemed that for a moment, his old mom was back. The mom he had when he was a little kid, who had cancer, who was cherished because she knew he might not stay with her forever.

It was strange. He hadn’t felt like that in a while- not since the very day before his father died, the last day he could call a day in which he and his mom had a healthy relationship.

He missed her, a lot, but he was quite nervous.

She didn’t even hesitate on the phone- she said she’d come over as soon as she can, and that she would never let their relationship fall apart ever again.

Frank sighed. Gerard was off today, and had he been in the hospital, he might help calm Frank’s nerves, but right now he was on his own. Frank considered giving him a call, letting him know what he was feeling just for the sake of it, just to get it off his chest. But Frank’s trouble was his own to deal with, and it was Gerard’s day off anyway, and he didn’t want to bother him.

Frank glanced at the clock. Just one more minute. He was rubbing his head with his right hand, then, and wiped the sweat off of his left palm on the bed. He’d missed his mom so much, he could barely contain himself.

And then, the door to his room slowly opened, and in stepped Linda Iero. She didn’t look much different than she did the last time Frank saw her a couple of months ago. She was holding a big plastic bag, which she nearly dropped at her feet at the sight of Frank.

He smiled at her lightly, and gave her a wave. He knew why she looked so shocked- he probably looked horrifying. He was as pale as a wall, he had dark rings under his eyes, he’s lost some weight, and on top of that, his hair was completely gone for the first time in years.

But all of those thoughts were brushed away by the sight of the wide smile that spread over her face, a smile that Frank was wishing he’d see for such a long time now, and the way she rushed to his side, and the way it felt when she wrapped her arms around him.

He let his hands wrap around her, hugging her back, letting his head rest on her shoulder. And then, in the same way that he always did, he told her what he wanted to.

“I love you, mama.” He said softly, feeling like a little kid again, burying his face in the crook of her neck, feeling so warm, and protected, and not alone.

“I love you too, baby.” She replied, the words that Frank had been longing to hear finally reaching his ears, as she slowly pulled away and sat down beside him. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I would have run the entire way in the middle of the night if I had to.” She asked him, and Frank shuffled on the bed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“You hadn’t exactly been present for the past few years.” He said, and she kept silent. He was still mad at that- how could he not be. Cancer stole his early childhood, his father’s death stole his early teens, and his mom’s absence stole his young adulthood. Frank felt like life was punching him in the face time and time again.  
And then she just put her arm around him and he leaned into her, letting his head rest on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” Was all she said, and Frank accepted it, of course, how could he not. All he ever wanted was to have a proper mother-son relationship. And that was the exact moment when he realized how ironic it was, that the first time he’s seen his mom smile in years was when she found out about him having cancer.

They stayed like that for a while, and it was basically all Frank needed in that particular moment- just to feel the contact, to know that someone cares about him.

“I got you something.” Linda said, and reached for the big bag, before handing Frank a huge stack of comic books, instantly making him smile. “Merry Christmas.” She said, and Frank thanked her, and hugged her, and they proceeded to talk, Frank explaining to her, while pointing at one of the X-Men issues, how Eleven from Stranger Things is basically Jean Gray, and he didn’t really know if it was of any interest to his mother, but she seemed like she was happy to hear him talking about it.

And then, as his mom was sitting beside him, her arm around him while he was reading one of the comic books, there was a knock on the door, and as it slowly opened. Gerard walked in, dressed in casual clothes, followed by a young man with mousy brown hair and a pair of rectangular glasses, clad in dark gray jeans and a Green Day t-shirt with the red grenade on it. 

“Hey.” Gerard said, smiling sweetly at Frank, then turned his sight to Frank’s mother. “You must be Linda.” He said, walking towards her, and stretching his arm out.

“I sure am.” She said with a smile, and shook Gerard’s hand. “And you are?”  
“Gerard. On most days, I’m your sons nurse.” He said, sending a smile in Frank’s direction. “Well, we’ll be back in a little while, I guess, Mikey is kinda starving.” He said, finishing with a wave, and then they both exited the room.  
Frank didn’t expect Gerard to actually come on Christmas, he thought that was just something he said to try and make Frank feel better. He didn’t know how he felt about that. Gerard should have been at home with his family.

Frank tried to focus on the comic, but after rereading the same page for three times he sighed and closed the book.

“Mama?” He asked for her attention and she turned to face him. “Aren’t you scared by how I look? I look like a fucking corpse, doesn’t that repulse you?” He asked in a moment of thoughtlessness.

“You really think I care how you look? I just want to be by your side.” She said, and took the comic book out of his hands.

“Well I look like shit.” Frank huffed, and looked down.

“Well,” She said, “I think you look as handsome as ever.” She said, kissing the top of his head, and then addressing her beeping phone.

It was her brother, and he was in town, apparently, and Frank could tell she was trying to explain to him why exactly she couldn’t come see him after not meeting him for years.

“Mom.” He nudged her elbow, and she turned to look at him. “It’s okay, go see him. I didn’t expect you to spend every waking hour in the hospital with me, you know.” He said. Frank didn’t want to be with his mom all the time, I mean- who does?  
His mom furrowed her eyebrows.  
“Are you sure?” Frank nodded. “You’ll be okay on your own?”

“I’ve got Gerard to keep me company, trust me, I’ll do great.” His mom nodded, before making the final arrangements and hanging up.  
She turned to Frank and hugged him real tight, making him laugh.  
“Mom, stop it, just go have a good time. It’s Christmas.” Linda kissed him on the forehead before getting up, telling Frank how much she loved him and leaving Frank with his comic books.

As he was reading volume 12 of Deadpool, he heard the door to his room open

“Oh man, volume twelve is the best!” He heard someone who tuned out to be Mikey say. Frank put his comic down with a smile.

“It sure is.” He looked up to see the boys, with plastic bags in their hands.

“We got snacks, let’s do this Christmas justice.” Gerard said, starting to lay all the food out on the bedside table. And then Frank realized that he was just so excited that he couldn’t stop smiling.  
“Oh, let’s introduce you guys officially. Frank, that’s my brother Michael, he’s your age. You two should get on well.” Gerard said, as Mikey sat down on Frank’s bed.

They started talking, and Mikey turned out to be exactly Frank’s type of people. And seriously- how could he not be? He was Gerard’s brother, after all, and Gerard was the coolest person Frank knew.

Before they knew it, the three of them were sitting on Frank’s bed, watching a movie on Gerard’s laptop and Frank thought that just might be the best Christmas he’s had in a very long time.

And as he was chewing on a piece of dried kiwi (seriously?), his thoughts were disrupted by Gerard’s arm touching his own. He suddenly realized how Gerard was just that today- not his nurse, but just a friend. Little shocks of electricity from the contact were shooting up and down Frank’s arm. He glanced at Gerard, who was completely sucked into the computer screen, and probably didn’t notice that he was touching Frank.

And he definitely, definitely did not know how fast Frank’s heart was beating at the thought of them touching.

As the credits started rolling, Mikey got up.

“Listen, I promised Pete I’d spend Christmas with his friends, so I’m gonna take off.” He said with a smile, before stretching his arm out towards Frank. “Your phone?” He said, looking down at Frank who furrowed his eyebrows. Mikey laughed.

“Let me put my number in, you dork.”

“Oh!” Frank exclaimed reaching for his phone as fast as he could, handing it to Mikey who then punched his digits in.

“Keep in touch, yeah?” He said, before giving Frank’s shoulder a tap.

“Sure will.” Frank said.

“Bye Mikes.” Gerard said, before Mikey waved at him and went on his way.  
Suddenly, Frank was very aware of just how close he and Gerard were, so he shuffled to his right, catching up some of the space where Mikey sat before.

“Your brother is awesome.” Frank commented, and felt his cheeks burning with how intimate he felt, sitting side by side with Gerard on his hospital bed.

“Told you you’d love him.” Gerard said, closing his laptop aside. “How was seeing your mom?”

“It was nice. Strange… but nice. I don’t remember ever seeing her this normal since dad died.” Frank explained.

“Do you feel any better after seeing her? Did it help?” Gerard followed up.

“Yeah… No… I don’t know.” Frank sighed. “I guess I’ll have to think about it.” Frank said, even though he didn’t really want to.

“Well, fancy a game of chess in the meantime?” Gerard asked, raising an eyebrow, and then Frank was all smiles, nodding in excitement.

“Alright, I’m just gonna go take all this trash out and we’ll play.” He said, as he sorted out all the mess they made and went out the door.

Frank sat for a little while, looking at the red and green tree. Looking soon turned into staring, and staring turned into Frank’s eyes nearly burning holes in the festive little tree.  
Because then, even though Frank didn’t want to, he thought, and that’s when he got to the places he never did before, and that’s when all sense of sanity, for that moment at least, was lost.


	8. Blue Oblivion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strongly inspired by the song 'I'll try anything once' by The Strokes, Sooo you should listen to that! :)  
> Thank you for reading and sticking around!

Frank had been sitting, for a while, trying to contain himself. He couldn’t explain just what he felt at that moment- he couldn’t understand it, he couldn’t put it into words even if he tried to. It was as though a switch in his brain clicked all of a sudden, setting off something he’d never experienced before.

Frank shot to his feet and started pacing around the room. He grabbed his head with both of his hands, softly moaning and clenching his eyes shut. His breathing was getting faster and more aggressive as tears started to pour out of his eyes.  
He was taken over by this feeling- like he was dropping but he was still on his feet.

Like he was drowning but still able to breathe.

Like he was falling, but never reaching the ground.

Like he couldn’t die, and he felt that he really, really should.

That was it for him, right then, as he let out an angry scream, letting out all his aggression, followed by a line of hysterical sobs.  
He was out of control, and the next thing he knew, his fist was swinging at the wall, and he was kicking the bed, and nothing hurt but everything was painful.

It was as though something took over him, something that didn’t quite belong in him but he couldn’t stop it.

He felt like he was burning from the inside out- with anger, and despair, and this feeling that he couldn’t describe.

He kept punching the wall in a daze of rage, just wishing for that feeling to go away.

Die. He was going to die. He was going to die and there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop it. He was completely at the world’s mercy.  
He wanted to fight- he wanted to prove himself, he wanted to show the world how angry he was, how unfair it was being.

Most of all, Frank wanted to be in control. He never got that pleasure- not when he first had cancer. Not when his dad died. Not when the relationship with his mother cut off. Not when his grandfather died, and not even when he moved to his grandfather’s old house.

The world pushed Frank around his entire life and he wasn’t going to let it keep happening- he couldn’t.

Only now, everything was decided for him. He’s lost his chance to take the upper hand. 

He was weak, he always has been and he hated that.

With the final punch, his body gave out, and he didn’t have the energy to keep going even though he really, really wanted to. 

With a defeated, silent sob, he closed his eyes and let his head fall against the wall in a loud thud.

It hurt. His body hurt, and his mind hurt.

Maybe dying won’t be so bad. Maybe when he dies, he’ll finally be in control, and the pain will go away. He might meet his dad and his grandfather and then maybe he could finally be happy.

“Frank…?” He heard Gerard’s voice emerging behind him, from the doorway, hesitantly.

“Go.” Frank said, not daring to open his eyes, his forehead still against the cold wall. He could hear Gerard’s footsteps approaching, clearly he entered the room.  
“Please go away.” He repeated quietly.

“What’s going on?” He asked, and Frank could feel Gerard’s hand on his shoulder but he instantly jerked, making Gerard’s hand fall off. He was breathing heavily now, trying to find a different way to relax.  
“Are you okay?” Gerard finally asked, and Frank slammed his fist on the wall and turned around sharply.

“I TOLD YOU TO GO THE FUCK AWAY!” He yelled at him, and followed it up with a groan, as he started pacing urgently around the room again.

Gerard was standing in the same spot, looking at Frank as his feet were slamming on the floor over and over.

“Go!” He yelled again, as Gerard didn’t leave his spot for quite a while. Gerard shook his head.

“I’m not leaving you.” He said calmly, and Frank stopped in place, starting to sob quietly into his hands again, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

He felt so defeated, and weak, and lonely.

But then, He felt Gerard’s body warmth in front of him, and then a pair of strong arms wrapped around him.

“No.” He resisted, but Gerard held him in place.  
“It’s okay. Calm down.” Gerard said, and before Frank knew it, he was crying into Gerard’s chest, slowly snaking his arms around Gerard’s waist, clutching him so tightly that it must have been painful. He was holding onto him as though he was holding onto his sanity.

He was softly sobbing, but he felt so warm and protected right then. Gerard doesn’t care that he’s weak. Gerard doesn’t want Frank to give up. Gerard makes Frank feel safe.

“You’re okay. It’s alright.” Gerard was repeating those words quietly, his right palm stroking Frank’s back, up and down. It was soothing- his voice, and his touch. Frank could feel his heartbeat- slow and steady and perfect- like a metronome, almost.

His hands hurt so bad as he clutched on Gerard’s hoodie- a burning sensation surged through them, accompanied by dull pain, and a feeling of lockdown on his knuckles, almost. 

It was the second hug they shared. The first was after the first time they played chess together, after Frank had just opened up to Gerard, as he doesn’t often do with anyone else.  
He liked it when Gerard hugged him, the number of hugs Frank shared with people that were not his family members could be counted on one hand.

They had been hugging for a long time, about two or three minutes, before either of them spoke. Gerard slowly let go of Frank but kept his hands on Frank’s shoulders, his arms stretched out.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, looking down into Frank’s eyes.

Frank was looking down at his feet, fumbling around with his hands. His knuckles were all messed up- red, black and blue, some blood even, and his wrists were swollen and sensitive.

Gerard let go of Frank’s shoulders, and instead held Frank’s hands with his own, softly brushing his swollen knuckles with his fingers, making Frank wince.

“Jesus, Frank…” He said quietly, and Frank turned his head up to look at him. He was focused on Frank’s hands, his eyebrows furrowed and a look of concern on his face.  
“What did you do to yourself?” It was more of a statement than a question, Frank could tell, and even if it would have been a question that was meant to be answered, he wouldn’t know how to right now. He was overwhelmed with many emotions, a blend of many different colors which formed a dull blackness together- from which he couldn’t isolate any specific emotion.

“I…” He started but figured he didn’t quite know what to say at that moment. Gerard was looking into his eyes, his hands still holding Frank’s, and it hurt, but it was warm, and nice, and soothing. Frank shut his mouth eventually, figuring that he looked stupid. 

He didn’t want to look stupid. Gerard probably thought he was completely crazy after seeing what Frank had done- and Frank didn’t want to make things any worse than they already were, he deeply treasured Gerard’s opinion on him.

“I’m sorry.” He said eventually, hesitantly, because he wasn’t quite sure that was the right thing to say right now.

“Oh my god…” Gerard said as he let go of Frank’s hands and resorted back to hugging him. Frank had stopped crying by now. He wasn’t sad, or angry or anything anymore. If he was being completely honest, actually, he might have been all of those things crammed together into one big, dull numbness.  
All he could feel right now were Gerard’s arms around him, and Gerard’s chest against his own, his gentle slow breathing, the warmth of his body, his intoxicating smell.

And Frank thought, at that moment, that if he would have died right now, it would have been the sweetest, best death he could have ever wished for.

“The only person you should be apologizing to is yourself.” Gerard continued, as Frank turned his head slightly to the side, hoping that Gerard doesn’t notice, just so that he could listen to his heartbeat.

“I’m sorry you saw that.” Frank said, his hands now limply wrapped around Gerard’s torso. “I’m not crazy.” He said, his voice breaking in the middle.

“Of course you’re not. Frank, you’ve done nothing wrong, it’s okay to get frustrated.” Gerard said, and Frank gently wiggled out of his arms and sat down on the bed, feeling that haze that you feel after a great hysteria, or a sleepless night, or a fight that takes hours.

“No, you don’t understand.” Frank said, with a deep sigh, as he put his head in his hands. He felt Gerard sit beside him.

“Talk to me. Make me understand.” He said softly.

“Gerard, you know I don’t just talk.” He said in a defeated voice, and with his feet still on the ground, he lay back and spread him arms to the sides.

“Okay. What if I ask you things and you elaborate?” Gerard asked, and Frank thought for a few moments, staring at the ceiling.  
“Okay.” He said, closing his eyes, and taking a deep breath.

“What changed from the moment I left?” Gerard asked him.

“I don’t know. It was like… I don’t know how to describe the feeling- like an overwhelming realization. Like a mixture of sadness and despair and helplessness, which all molded together into this sharp rage, and then turned into a numb blackness. Does that make sense?” He asked, opening his eyes to glance at Gerard, who had a blank look on his face.

“It doesn’t have to. But yes, I get it.” He said, giving Frank a knowing look. “You got mad enough to actually destroy you hands?” Gerard asked, in an educating kind of way. Of course he’s mad at that, Frank thought- all Gerard was trying to do is make Frank better and there he goes, breaking himself. Frank kind of chuckled.

“Wouldn’t be the first time.” He said then, against his better judgment. He felt manic at that moment, he felt completely out of his mind.

“Mind telling me about the first time?” Gerard asked. Frank didn’t mind right now, and concluded that he should tell Gerard. He should open up, because there might not be a better moment. Tonight, Gerard is just his friend; tonight Gerard has time and doesn’t have to dash around between patients.

“When my grandfather died I completely annihilated the bathroom at school. Only found out I broke my wrist a week later. I used to do that every once in a while since then.” Frank explained and sat back up with a sigh.

“Well, you need to find another means of taking out aggression.” Gerard said and gently took one of Frank’s hands, inspecting it, making Frank’s cheeks turn red.

“Oh, come on, if you’re so clever why don’t you tell me what you do to release anger?” Frank said sarcastically. It’s better that he’d take his anger out on himself rather than bottling it up and have it explode at the worst moment, possibly even hurting someone. No, he wouldn’t do that.  
Gerard was a little taken aback by the question at first.

“I have a punching bag; I do martial arts. I draw, I write, I listen to Misfits. You don’t lack options.” Gerard said, and then stretched out to reach one of the cabinets, taking out a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and cotton pads. “I am going to tend to your hands now, if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind.” Frank said, and when Gerard went to take his hand he obliged, but winced lightly.

“Sorry. Does it hurt real bad?” Gerard was disinfecting the little cuts on Frank’s knuckles, and though he didn’t use much force Frank felt the dull pain radiating through the bones in his hands.

“Yes.” Frank said, looking at Gerard working. He didn’t have his hair up in a pony tail today, and it was falling over his face just a little bit. He was concentrating so hard on Frank’s hands, so Frank got to stare and inspect him.

Frank had never appreciated just how nice Gerard’s bone structure is. He loved the way his brow bone looked, the smooth curve of his jaw, the light, kind of rough skin, how he was putting everything into whatever he was doing, making sure to see it through to the end, to make it perfect.

Gerard was very attractive. Frank wouldn’t mind kissing Gerard, or doing whatever with him for that matter. Frank likes him a lot.

After Gerard finished disinfecting his wounds, he covered them up with gauze and wrapped elastic bandages around his hands and wrists. As he finished wrapping it up, Gerard gave Frank’s hand a soft squeeze, and he didn’t know weather it was an affectionate gesture, a part of the wrapping procedure, or a sign of support.

“I want you to have an x-ray. I’ll schedule you a line for tomorrow. You’re doing it weather you like it or not.” Gerard told him sternly, looking deep into his eyes.

Frank had never looked at Gerard’s eyes from so up close. They were big, shiny orbs of hypnotizing hazel.  
Yes, he definitely wouldn’t mind it if Gerard would have kissed him.

“Okay.” Frank said, not bothering to take in what Gerard had said in that moment- he was lost in his eyes.

But then Gerard looked away, and let go of Frank’s hands.

“Never scare me like that again.” He said then, showing vulnerability for the first time. Frank stayed quiet for a couple of moments, just appreciating Gerard.

“I didn’t know you do martial arts.” He finally said. “What kind?”

“Taekwondo.” Gerard answered, the left corner of his mouth lightly curling up into half a smile.

“You’re really cool.” Frank said sincerely and Gerard turned to look at him, half of a smile turning into a full smile, and that made Frank smile back.

“How are you feeling?” Gerard asked then, and Frank closed his eyes for a few seconds, just taking himself in.  
“Blue.” He finally said, opening his eyes, and glancing at Gerard.

“In what way?”

“I feel like the color blue. I feel like the arctic ocean. Like… Like space. I feel weak, and I feel lonely. I’m going to die.” He said, feeling his eyes sting again.

“You don’t know-“

“But I do. This is not the first time I get cancer. How many chances are there that I beat it again? I’m sick and tired of bad things happening to me. Maybe I should be happy about dying.” Frank said, wiping away a couple of stray tears with his sleeve. “I’m weak. I’m broken.”

“You’re not weak, and you’re not broken. You’re just blue.” Gerard said with his hand on Frank’s shoulder, and his eyes looking deep into the others. “You’re strong. You’re a fighter, and you’re a winner. You say you’re like the ocean- I hear deep, and powerful. You say you’re like space- I hear infinite and full of wonders. I don’t like it when you underestimate yourself, Frank Iero. You are wonderful.” Gerard said, then took Frank’s hands. “These are your instrument, your tool of creation, and your weapon. You can do anything, I promise. Maybe your hands aren’t doing great right now, and maybe your spirit is low, but you just wait. We’ll get it up, and you will heal, and you will be capable of anything.” Frank just looked at him for a while. Nobody has ever said such things to him, and it wasn’t easy to digest.

“I believe you.” Frank said, and Gerard let go of his hands.

“Good.” He said, and exhaled.

“Hey, Gerard?” Frank asked for his attention, and Gerard turned his head to face him.

“Thank you for the best Christmas I’ve ever had.” Frank said with a smile, and Gerard returned the gesture.


	9. Gray Recovery

Frank’s eyes slowly opened as his mind started clearing the fogginess that surrounded it in the first few seconds after waking up. He fell asleep sitting up against the headboard of his hospital bed.  
The first thing he took in was a weight on the left side of his torso, on his shoulder, to be specific. He warily turned his head to the left, glancing there, and realized that Gerard, In his dark grey hoodie and jeans, was leaning on his shoulder, sleeping.

His left foot was on the ground, and the right one was on the bed. His arms were crossed over his chest, and his body was on the very edge of the bed, while Frank was in the middle.

Frank swallowed a lump in his throat, and felt his cheeks burning red. Gerard himself, was sleeping on him, soft breaths coming out through his slightly parted lips. His hair was messy, in the cutest way possible, and his eyebrows were slightly furrowing from time to time.  
He was close enough for Frank to see the soft stubble growing on his face, and appreciate his longer than normal lashes. 

Frank pondered weather he should wake him up, or let him sleep a little more, just so that he could watch him a little longer. Frank liked observing Gerard. He was good looking, he was interesting, and his touch felt really nice. Frank could swear he didn’t intentionally smell his hair, but he did note that it smelled freshly washed- Green Apple scented shampoo, if he wasn’t mistaken, and he took a long, deep breath of it,

This definitely wasn’t appropriate. Frank knew it wasn’t, and it was awkward, and he was blushing like mad, but he also wanted to freeze that moment in time and cherish it forever.

His hands hurt, especially his left one, since Gerard was kind of sitting on it. He hadn’t notice it up until that moment, he was too distracted, but now that he did, he winced and tried to wiggle his hand out of there, but it only made things worse.

Eventually, he gathered up the courage and poked Gerard’s arm.

“Gee.” He said quietly. Gerard furrowed his eyebrows and shuffled a little. 

“Gerard- ow, my fucking wrist!” He complained a little louder, and Gerard’s eyes slowly opened.

“Oh, crap, sorry.” He muttered and quickly got to his feet, making Frank breathe with relief, and he was just praying for him not to see how red he was.  
Gerard was stretching, spreading his arms to the sides, which made a sliver of his pale stomach to peek from under the hoodie. And, damn, if Gerard hasn’t noticed that Frank was blushing yet- now he definitely will.

Gerard seemed quite disoriented, and Frank wondered to himself weather he remembered what had happened the night before. He looked down at his bandaged hands, and concluded, in his head, that he, himself, doesn’t necessarily want to remember. The clarity alone was enough for him, and he didn’t want to have a break out like that ever again.

“How’re you feeling?” Gerard asked, as he straightened his gray hoodie over his shoulders.

“I’m fine, I guess.” Frank said, though he didn’t really know exactly what he was at that moment.

Just being was enough for now.  
“My hands hurt.” He followed up, and Gerard took a step towards him, and took one of his hands in his own.

“You’re really red. Too hot in here?” He asked, and Frank swallowed nervously. His heart beat was accelerating, all with Gerard holding his hand and standing so close.

“Nah, I’m good.” He said, “Are you not working today?” He followed up, and Gerard dropped his hand and sat next to him instead.

“Nah, I’m not a sucker, would never do a Christmas shift.” He laughed, and Frank laughed lightly too. He was suddenly very self aware, and he felt really awkward. “I’m gonna go talk to the Radiologist, see if he can get you in now.” Gerard sat, jumping back on his feet.

“Okay.” Frank said, as Gerard flashed him a small smile and headed out of the door.

Fuck. Frank was feeling very light headed and unfocused, like everything was a blur, He couldn’t focus on anything, and his mind wouldn’t let him think about anything other than the way Gerard looked, in his gray hoodie, sleeping right there next to him.

He couldn’t stop hearing, in his mind, the soft breaths coming out of his lips as he slept. He couldn’t stop imagining the feeling of touching him, his body’s warmth, and the contrasting coldness of his hands. He wanted, really bad, to be hugged by Gerard. He wanted to listen to his rhythmic heartbeat, to let it soothe him, to let it rock him to sleep.

But instead, he was sitting on his bed, fumbling with the bandages on his hands, fantasizing about his nurse.  
Frank didn’t want to die just yet. He wanted more time with Gerard. He wanted too really get to know him. He wanted to hang out with him, not just at the hospital, but like friends do.

He really wanted to take a walk in the forest with him; He had this vision of them, walking side by side in the woods. It would be autumn, and they would jump into piles on leaves, and maybe Gerard would teach him some of his martial art skills, though he’d be on the ground for sure after that- being as small, scrawny and clumsy as he is.  
He had hair in that vision. He was energetic, and he wasn’t sick anymore. He didn’t have trouble chasing Gerard at full speed, he wouldn’t mind falling, or swimming in the river, or climbing trees.

If Frank was being completely realistic, he had to understand that it could never happen. He didn’t know how long he had left- but he did know that leukemia is a progressive disease and if he doesn’t have the energy to run around now, he sure as hell would never have it again.

And then, he was softly crying, quietly, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. It had been a long time since he cried like that- Frank didn’t usually cry, but when he did, it was frantic and aggressive and angry and hysterical- like the previous night.

At this point- he felt helpless. No matter how many times Gerard would tell him that he is going to get well, he knew that he probably wouldn’t. It’s not the first time he had cancer- and though he may have managed to heal the first time, he really could not believe his chances were that great this time.  
He felt himself getting weaker every day, he felt himself losing weight, and getting tired, and out of focus.

He needed someone, he needed someone right now- he didn’t want to be sad anymore.

Frank glanced at his phone which was sitting on the bedside table, then decided to take it.

He searched Mikey’s name, and lingered a little before decided what to write. Finally he started typing.

‘Hey, it’s Frank ’

He pressed send, wondering weather Mikey would think it’s too early for him to text him less than 24 hours after they met, but decided that he needed someone to talk to and Mikey is the only one who would do. 

Within a couple of minutes, Frank heard a beep and instantly unlocked his phone.

‘Heyy what’s up?’

Frank sort of smiled- a kind of broken, shattered smile, but he really was happy to hear from someone. 

‘Not much haha. What about you?’

It was a little awkward, he had to admit, but sooner or later (not that he had that much time), Frank had to learn how to make social connections.

‘Playing video games like the nerd I am, I guess. How are you feeling? ’

Frank stared at his phone for a little while, pondering weather he should tell Mikey the truth. It was too soon, wasn’t it weird to tell someone you think you’re losing your mind after you just met?

Yeah, it’s weird. But Frank is weird.

And so is Mikey.

And it’s not that much of a bad thing.

‘Not that great tbh. Had a massive breakdown last night lol.’

After Frank had sent the text, he laughed a little at the way he phrased it.

‘Woah, what happened?’

Frank was really, really thankful for someone actually giving a shit- not just Gerard.

‘Imma save my texting time and assume Gerard would tell you about it as soon as he gets a chance :P’

From what little Frank had seen, it seems like the Way brothers share everything with each other- and he wasn’t sure he felt comfortable enough to talk about it with anyone yet.

‘Oh yeah he totally would XD I just hope you’ll be okay, let me know if I can do anything to help.’

Frank smiled. He sort of wished he had someone with whom he can have a relationship like Mikey and Gerard do- they must never be lonely.  
‘Ugh so much for privacy huh -_- and thanks ’

Frank thought about it, and concluded that he didn’t mind, all that much, if Gerard told Mikey about last night.

‘Yeah he talks about you a lot, you know.’

Frank paused whatever motion he might have been making at the moment and stared at the screen. Gerard talks about him. Gerard talks about him a lot. Gerard actually thinks Frank is worth talking about.

‘He does?’

Frank had rarely ever felt that sort of appreciation from someone.

‘Yeah, he likes you a lot. I mean, he’s always been excited about his job but lately even more so.’

Frank kept reading, puzzled, and Mikey kept typing.

‘He even dragged me a long to buy you a Christmas present, when he saw that chess board he said it’s “so like Frank” and kept giving me a sort of weird description of the vibe of colors you-‘

“Who are you talking to?” He heard Gerard’s voice, and instantly looked up. Gerard was standing in the doorway, his hands in the pockets of his jeans and a soft smile on his face.

“Your brother, actually.” Frank said, and turned his screen off before Gerard could see the conversation. Gerard looked at him for a couple of moments, the smile slowly fading off his face into a sort of nonchalant look.  
“You been crying?” He asked, and set foot in the room, walking towards Frank.

“Yeah, I mean, a little… I’m okay though.” He said as Gerard sat next to him on his bed.

“You don’t have to lie to me, you know.” Gerard said, an unreadable expression upon his features. 

“I’m-“ But before Frank could finish, Gerard cut him off.

“Shut up.” Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank’s small frame in a soft hug. “It’s just, you know, I’m here for you and you don’t have to feel like you need to hide things from me.”

Frank still didn’t get used to that feeling- that closeness. Gerard’s warmth felt so comforting, and he gave it to Frank so willingly. As Gerard talked he kept his arm around Frank’s shoulders.

“Fabrizio said he can get you in now. Let’s go okay?” Frank nodded, and they both made their way to the X-ray room.

Fabrizio was a thin hispanic man of average height. He had curly hair, and he turned out to be really funny. He was instructing Frank on what to do, where to put his hands, that he shouldn’t move.

As Fab (as he asked to be called), was taking Frank’s X-ray he asked Frank the question.

“So, how’d you hurt your hands?” Frank shifted in his sit uncomfortably. “No moving.” Fab added, in a sort of a command.

“Sorry. I, uh, I fell.” Frank said, and he could feel Gerard’s stare on his back, from the seat behind him on which he was sitting and reading a magazine of some sort. Frank knew Gerard hated it when he lied.

“Think I look stupid, kid?” Fab glanced at him, and Frank had a horrified look for a moment, and Fab laughed lightly. “Come on, That’s my job, I know you didn’t fall. You can cut the crap.” He said in a lighter tone, and Frank relaxed.

“Okay. I lost my temper at myself in an explosive tantrum.” He admitted, and Fab smiled and nodded.

“Punched some walls, knew it.” He said, and Frank furrowed his eyebrows a bit in a puzzled look.

“If you knew, why ask me?” Frank questioned, and Fab laughed once again.

“Just wanted to hear it from you. You look like the repressed type. Things like that- you should get them off your chest.” Said Fabrizio, then added “You can move now, we’re done.” He said, and Frank got up.

“Thanks, man.” Frank said, and offered Fab his hand to shake, but, of course, realized what he was doing eventually, pulling it back and making them both laugh.

“I gotta pee. I’ll see you back in your room, Frank.” Gerard said with a pat on Frank’s back and exited the room. When he was out of earshot, Fab talked.

“Aren’t you here for leukemia?” He asked.

“Yeah.” Frank said.

“So, that’s why?” He asked and gestured towards Frank’s hands.

“I- just- I’m not doing all that great right now, I guess.” Frank said, softly rubbing his face with his bandaged hands.

“Does he know?” Fab asked, glancing at the doorway.

“Yeah, he does.” Frank said, and let his hands fall limp at the sides of his body.

“Good. You know, if you’re going through anything just find Gerard. He’s like a totem of hope, I swear, helped me through a lot of shit. He sort of favors you, you know.”

“Really?” Frank asked, his eyebrows raised.

“He wouldn’t care to admit it, says he loves all his patients just the same but I can tell there’s something special here. I guess you remind him of his brother.” Fabrizio explained.

“Yeah, I guess… You seem to know him pretty well.” Frank said, and Fab smiled.

“Yeah, we got on well from the moment he got here. Anyway, don’t ever feel like you need to do… that, again, kid. You can use words instead.” He tapped Frank’s shoulder with a smile. He then glanced at the machine. “Looks like you broke your right wrist.” He said, gesturing at the fracture visible on the screen.

Frank smiled a little, then addressed the puzzled look on Fab’s face. 

“Reminds me of some good old times.” He said sarcastically.


	10. Pink Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my uncle actually has cancer and my grandma told me today that the doctors say he has between two months and two years to live and I am very emtional. Anyways, just needed to get that off my chest, enjoy this new chapter! :)

“Oh, crap!” Frank exclaimed as he threw his controller on the bed in anger.

“That’s three to one.” Mikey said with as much of a sly smile as he could manage on his otherwise poker face. Frank glared at him in actual rage.

“You know what, fuck off.” Frank said and slightly punched Mikey’s arm, making him laugh.  
They had been spending a lot of time together lately. They had been texting pretty much nonstop, and Mikey came over to hang out the day after Frank got his cast put on. Obviously, Gerard had told him most of the story, but Frank and Mikey got to talk privately as well, and they had a pretty deep conversation. Ever since then, Mikey has been stopping by every once in a while- even when Gerard’s not there. Frank was pretty excited about that- he could never really recall having a friend his age, a friend whose presence he enjoyed this much.

“The only reason I keep losing is because my wrist is broken.” Frank justified himself. “Seriously, it’s hard to control my hand when it’s in a cast.”

“Yeah, that’s what you said about that chess game you lost against Gerard the other day.” Well, Frank knew that losing in chess had nothing to do with a broken hand, but that was an excuse good enough to mask the fact that he probably lost because Gerard looked really good on that particular day, and Frank couldn’t stop staring at his furrowed eyebrows as he pondered his next move, the way his fingers brushed his lips as he held his hands in front of his mouth as though he was kissing a gun. It wasn’t Frank’s fault he couldn’t concentrate.

To this day, Frank still hadn’t managed to win a single chess game against Gerard- and that was just unacceptable. He had to win, he had to prove himself- I mean it’s Frank we’re talking about, he’s used to winning games no matter who he plays against but somehow, he’s found a chess player who’s better than him.

“Okay, when I’m all healed up we’ll play and see who wins fair and square, right?” Frank asked then, as he turned to his bedside table to take a sip of his glass of water.

“You’re on, Iero.” Frank glanced at him. No doubt about it- Mikey took his gaming skills as seriously as Frank took his own. Frank didn’t mean to sound cocky or anything- but usually he’s really good. He felt like crap today anyway- he had chemo in the morning, he couldn’t possibly play well after chemo.

When he thought about it, he felt a slight twinge in his chest, because he knew that soon enough the disease might take from him the ability to even play a game of chess, or fight against Mikey in video games whenever he brings his playstation along.  
Frank wants to get out. Before he dies- he wants to take one last walk in his beloved woods. He wants to go for a swim in the lake. He wants to have one last shift at the record store with old Jeff- and he wants to tell Gerard exactly how he feels about him.

He didn’t feel, at all, like he had the courage to, but if he didn’t do it on time, he’ll regret it for his entire afterlife, and who knows how long that could take.

Lately, he felt completely infatuated. He kept imagining what Gerard’s skin would feel like against his own, had he brushed his hand against Gerard’s cheek. He wanted to run his fingers through Gerard’s hair. He wanted, once more, to listen to his heartbeat- to let it rock him to sleep.

He wanted to kiss Gerard- slow and tender, hands softly roaming over his back, under his shirt, feeling his body warmth as their lips would move against each other.

Frank really, really didn’t want to die a virgin now that he realized that he still was. He just had to know what sex felt like before he died, but when that thought sounded off in his head he felt like that lady from the support group in ‘Fight Club’ and brushed the thought off. 

“You okay? Looking a little pink.” Mikey said- obviously Frank had gone a little too far with his imagination this time. 

“Yeah, I’m good.” Frank said anxiously, trying to stop picturing the intimate interactions between him and Gerard that he was desperately longing for lately.

“Just the shame of defeat, huh?” Mikey teased him.

“Yeah, I actually am a sore loser to be honest.” Frank said, looking away from Mikey. He felt awkward. Gerard was Mikey’s older brother- he can’t just sit there fantasizing right next to him.

“You just seem a bit off, is all.” Mikey said, back in his usual serious tone.

“I don’t feel well after chemo. Just need a little rest, I guess. It’s pretty late anyways.” Frank confessed, as he climbed under the blanket.

“Well, I’ll leave you to it. See you whenever.” Mikey said, as he got off the bed and unplugged his playstation.

“Bye, Mikes.” Frank said, as Mikey turned the light off on his way out of the room.

Frank stared at the darkness of the empty room for a while. Ever since he got to the hospital- falling asleep was a piece of cake, his body was tired, and his mind even more so.  
But for some reason, right now, his brain wouldn’t shut off.  
Gerard took some time off work to go to a short medical seminary in Portland, and Frank surprised himself with how much he could actually miss a person. He never felt that way before, not in the past year, at least. Not since his grandfather died.

And right now, as he was laying in his hospital bed, wrapped in his soft blanket, feeling as ready to be rocked to sleep by dreams as he could ever be, his brain was racing with thoughts.

Gerard. Gerard’s crooked smile. Gerard’s long black hair. The soft stubble growing on Gerard’s face. The warmth of his body as he hugged Frank. The way his lips would softly move against Frank’s head as he was trying to calm him down.  
The way he softly squeezed Frank’s injured hands after he’d tried to mend them.

The fact that he made Frank know, had to make Frank know, that he’s not a waste of space. How he made Frank feel so appreciated, in a way he never thought he’d feel.

Gerard’s only been gone a week, but to Frank it felt like forever.

He needed to hug Gerard right now. He couldn’t stand the lingering throbbing in his heart caused by Gerard’s absence.

Frank felt lonely- even though he had Mikey and his mom. As much as he loved their company, they could never ever replace Gerard.

He can’t die before letting Gerard know how he feels about him. On his deathbed, he’ll tell Gerard. He’d have nothing to lose like that- it would be perfect.

Oh, but his lips.  
Frank would never get the pleasure of knowing what his lips feel like, he could never know how they taste. He could imagine though- they always looked really soft. Frank would love to know how they would feel against his own lips, with Gerard on top of him, with his shirt off and Frank’s fingers in his hair.

Fuck.

Frank’s face was burning just with the thought. He knew he was blushing. He blushed a lot lately- he almost felt that pink would have turned into his natural skin color by now.

He put his cold hands against his cheeks, trying to get himself to stop blushing, but failing miserably as it reminded him of Gerard’s cold hands, and obviously now he was thinking of Gerard’s cold hands on his face.

This is where we stop, Frank thought, and tried to keep his mind as blank as he could as he finally fell asleep.

When he woke up the next day at around six in the morning, the sun lightly shining through his window, his heart dropped with the realization that he’d have to endure another day without Gerard.

When breakfast was brought in, he politely thanked the other nurse, and softly poked the egg, pondering weather or not he should eat it. At the corner of his tray, sat an apple the likes of which he’d never seen before. It was pink and shiny, and Frank was kind of disappointed because they always served green apples which were Frank’s favorite.

“Excuse me,” He asked before the nurse turned to go, “Have you any idea what kind of apple this is?” He asked, pointing at the apple. The nurse smiled at him.  
“It’s called Pink Lady. It’s really good. Here, I’ll cut you off a piece.” She said, and taking a knife from the food trolley, she picked up the apple and cut it into quarters.

Frank thanked her as she walked out of the room, and took a bite. It was sweet, and sour, and Frank actually liked it. Frank hated apples with a passion ever since he was a kid. He’d only eat the green ones. But this one, he really enjoyed. 

He only ate a quarter, before he decided to leave the food be in the meantime, and instead sat at the small table, and started arranging the chess pieces.

He hasn’t given up yet- when Gerard comes back, he’ll beat him.

And so he sat, turning the board with each turn, thinking as hard as he could, until finally-

“Stalemate.” He heard a voice come from the direction of the door, and his eyes snapped up immediately. It was Gerard, right there smiling at him, in his blue jeans and gray sweatshirt. There were snowflakes in his hair, slowly melting, and his black and gray striped scarf was wrapped around his neck.

“You’re back!” Frank said as he jumped to his feet, and basically attacked Gerard in a hug so hard that he slightly stumbled backwards.

Gerard laughed as he dropped his bag on the floor and threw his arms around Frank. Frank could feel the soft vibrations in his chest as he laughed, and he could tell he’d surprised Gerard with the intensity. It was common knowledge at this point that Frank was shy and rarely ever initiated hugs.

He felt so hyper he thought he might cry of joy- he hasn’t expected to see Gerard today and there he was, hugging him, feeling a couple of snowflakes fall off Gerard’s head onto his own.

“I missed you.” Gerard said quietly, and Frank could hear that he was smiling.

“I missed you too.” Frank said, as they broke apart. “How- how are you already back?” He asked, puzzled. Gerard wasn’t supposed to come back for another day or two.

“They had to cut it short before the forecasted storm or we wouldn’t have been able to fly back for weeks.” He explained. He was flushed, his cheeks an adorable shade of pink, probably from the cold, not unlike the apple. Frank thought he was cute, way too cute.

They just stood there, smiling wide at each other for a short while, and then Frank’s head was floating with thoughts again. Gerard was so pretty. His eyes were almost shining with happiness, little wrinkles forming around them as he smiled. His lips seemed soft, and they too were flushed from the cold.

And of course, Frank was once again thinking of kissing him and he could feel his cheeks burning again, and he took a step back, and sat back down at the table. Gerard followed.

“Something on your mind?” He asked as he sat opposite Frank. Clearly, he had noticed. 

“Yeah.” Frank said, as he looked up at him through his lashes. He shivered a little. He opted to sleep in a T-shirt since his blanket was so hot, but now he was freezing.

“Are you cold?” Gerard asked.

“No….?” Frank said with an awkward smile, as Gerard got up and walked over to him, pulling off his sweatshirt. “Come on, you don’t have to-“

“Shut up.” Gerard said as he put it on Frank. It was quite baggy on him, but damn, it smelled so much like Gerard, and it was as close as Frank could get to feeling his bare skin.

“Oh my god, you’re so small.” He said, as he sat opposite Frank, while Frank pulled his knees up to his chest.

“I’m not small!” He exclaimed. That was a lie- he knew he was.

“Sorry. I just think it’s adorable, how that hoodie is too big for you.” Gerard said with a smile, and Frank was all pink again. “So, what are you thinking about?” He repeated the question.

“It’s very personal.” Frank said, fumbling around with a chess piece between his fingers, looking down.

“You can tell me.” Gerard reassured him, and Frank took a deep breath before deciding to speak.

“I don’t want to die a virgin. I don’t- you don’t even realize what it’s like to know that. There’s so many things I didn’t get to experience. I mean, I’m eighteen, how come I’ve never fucked?” Frank couldn’t believe the words were coming out of his mouth, his most personal thoughts being spoken out for Gerard to hear. He didn’t dare look up at him.

Gerard was silent for a few moments. Maybe it was too much to share. Maybe things like that should be kept inside Frank’s head.

“I’m surprised and honored, Frank Iero.” He finally said, and Frank looked up at him, his eyes wide in confusion.

“…What?”

“I never thought that we’d get to the point where you would feel comfortable telling me something like that. I’m just happy to know you can lean on me.” Gerard said, and Frank looked at him. “Would you play chess with me?” Gerard asked, and Frank nodded, as they put the pieces back in place. 

They played in silence at first, until suddenly, Gerard’s voice sliced through the air.

“You’re not going to die a virgin.” He said, making Frank’s head fill with all sorts of inappropriate thoughts and making his face look like the pink lady one again.

“What?” He asked quickly, anxiously.

“You heard me.” Gerard said, and moved his bishop.

“I… How…?” He asked awkwardly, struggling quite hard to keep concentrated. He collected Gerard’s bishop.

“Because,” Gerard said, and then stopped, deep in thought for a few moments. “Okay, this stays between us because you’re not supposed to know it yet. Got it?” He asked, and Frank nodded fiercely. 

“The chemo’s working. You’re not gonna die a virgin,” he said, as he moved his queen, “Because you’re not going to die.” He said. 

Frank froze.

Live. He’s going to live. He couldn’t believe it. Frank’s winning, Frank will win it over. He didn’t know what to do, he suddenly didn’t know how to move, didn’t know how to speak, how to think.

“Frank?” He will experience everything he wants to. He doesn’t have to worry about telling Gerard he likes him- he’ll have an entire lifetime to do it.

He can go for a walk in the woods. He can work at Jeff’s store. He has the time to beat Mikey in Halo.

Frank is going to live.

Suddenly he was filled with a new taste, an unfamiliar taste, but it was so good, it was just like that apple. He smiled, a single tear running down his cheek.

Gerard got up, and patted Frank’s shoulder as he grabbed a piece of the apple and ate it. 

“Also,” he said, as he sat back down, “Checkmate.”

Frank looked down at the board as he snapped back to reality.

“Oh, crap!”


	11. Silver Lining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love that scene when Richie sees Margot and Nico's version of "These Days" is playing in the backgroung. Sends shivers down my spine :,)

Frank was sitting on the silver linoleum floor of his bathroom, back against the cold wall, head leaned back. He was completely drenched in sweat and his head was pounding so hard it felt like his brain might just explode out of his head.

Chemo may be a life saver, but it sure takes its toll, and by far, Frank was pretty sure this was the worst reaction to chemotherapy he's had by far.

He was breathing heavily, and though he could barely manage to, he mustered all his strength to press the red button next to the toilet before he loses consciousness again.

As much as he hated this, he wasn't going to let this bring him down. He let his hand drop back to the ground after he'd managed to press the button. He feels like crap, sure, but he's probably not going to die. This is his second chemo cycle- and it's nearing the end. By this time, Frank's pretty sure he's not having a massive allergic reaction to the treatment, I mean, he would have known by now. He has nothing to worry about. He just needs to get through this.

After all, what's another bump in the road?

Frank let out a quiet groan and briefly shut his eyes as a wave of pain shot through his head. He heard the door open and in an instant, Gerard was urgently walking towards him.

"What happened?" He asked, gently grabbing Frank by his waist and helping him up.

"I puked my guts out and passed out with my head in the toilet bowl." Frank said in one breath, his body weight leaned against Gerard. Gerard- who was warm, and stable. Gerard- whose hands were always cold and soothing.

Frank may have been very disoriented and out of it at that moment, but still, these thoughts were swimming through his mind.

Gerard walked Frank to his bed, and Frank tried to help as much as he could, though he couldn't do much more than try to shuffle his feet along. Gerard softly put him on the hospital bed in a sitting position.

"Probably a reaction to the chemo. It can happen, sometimes." Gerard said. He grabbed the glass of water off Frank's bedside table, and sat beside him.

He softly put the glass to Frank's lips, and the other hand went to Frank's jaw, helping direct him.

"Drink." Gerard said softly, and Frank did, though now, his heart was racing even faster than it did before, because Gerard was touching his face. The coolness of his hand was sending little sparks, silvery jolts of electricity through Frank's nerves.

He drank, as much as he could, though it wasn't easy at all. Swallowing was a pain in the ass after throwing up, but Frank knew he should drink- he'd get dehydrated without even noticing if he keeps throwing up and not drinking.

Gerard removed the glass from Frank's mouth to put it back on the table, but before he could remove his hand from Frank's jaw, Frank gathered all of his strength to grab it, to make it stay.

Gerard stopped in place, the glass still in his right hand, and the left on Frank's face. His eyes were running all over Frank's face, and if Frank had to describe it, he'd say Gerard's face looked blank more than it looked surprised- like he didn't know how to respond, but he didn't try to object either. His eyes were nearly sparkling, reflecting silver light.

"Your hands are always so cold..." Frank said quietly, as if to himself, as he held Gerard's hand on his face, looking into his eyes. Gerard probably couldn't see that he was blushing- he was flushed beforehand anyway. Frank wasn't thinking straight.

"What?" Gerard asked, in a sort of a whisper, his voice laced with wonder.

"I'm burning up." Frank said, "Your hands are cool. They're soothing."

Gerard just stared at him for a couple of seconds. Then he stretched his hand out to put the glass on the table, and instead put it on Frank's forehead while the other lay on his cheek, Frank's hand still holding it.

It was instant relief; Frank couldn't describe just how good it felt even if he tried to. All he could do was let out a quiet sigh, and close his eyes. Right now, Frank wasn't thinking logically. Right now, He didn't care about how intimate it felt.

"Any better?" Gerard asked, still in that quiet wondering tone, close to a whisper. Frank nodded softly, pressing his hand slightly stronger onto Gerard's, an appreciative gesture. Gerard would do anything to help him, Frank suddenly realized. He didn't care if it made him uncomfortable.

He's just that kind of person, Frank thought. He helps everyone at his own expense, gives everything he's got to give, not minding if he's left with nothing at the end of the day. It made Frank feel kind of warm inside, but also sad at the same time. He wanted to give back. He wanted Gerard to feel as appreciated as he deserved to.

They sat like that, for a little while, Gerard's healing powers cooling down the fire in Frank's head, quietly conducting his magic. And then, Frank let go of Gerard's hand, which he was holding so tightly, and hugged him instead, more so just putting his body weight on Gerard since that was all he could manage.

Gerard seemed a little confused, a little taken aback, before hugging Frank tight. Frank's hands hung limply at Gerard's sides, trying, as much as they could, to replicate a hug.

"Thank you for always looking out for me." Frank said, quietly, when really, what he wanted to say was 'I love you'.

He let his head fall on Gerard's shoulder with exhaustion, his arms falling limp on the bed, his muscles finally giving in.

His body was so tired- from the disease, from the treatments, from the distress he's experienced. He knew it would get worse before it got better- that's just how life is, but he knew he was healing up, and that was what mattered.

But he didn't want to go home. He didn't want to leave the hospital, to leave Gerard. When he does go home, he wouldn't get to see him every day anymore like he used to. He'd miss him- more than he could imagine, probably.

"Don't thank me for that. I do it because it makes me happy. I want to do it." Gerard softly pulled away and gently pushed Frank back onto his bed, covering him in his blanket, and Frank would go as far as say his bed never felt more comfortable, not even his bed at home. The act of Gerard covering him in the blanket was actually just Gerard covering him in affection. Frank smiled up at him, noticing that strands were falling out of his teeny tiny ponytail, framing his face.

Gerard's eyes almost sparkled then, as he looked at Frank, but it could have also just been Frank's imagination.

"Try to rest, okay?" Gerard said, his hand resting on Frank's cast. "Oh," He suddenly resorted to fumble in his back pocket.

He fished out a box of mints, and handed one to Frank.

"Might find these useful." He put the box on Frank's nightstand as frank put the mint in his mouth. "And try to brush your teeth when you wake up, stomach acid is corrosive." He added.

"Ew, Gerard, jesus." Frank said with a bit of a laugh.

"What? It's true. Tooth decay is a bitch to deal with." Gerard said and he got up. "You okay now?" He asked Frank, and Frank nodded.

"Thank you." Frank said, as Gerard shot him a soft smile and walked out the door, switching the lights off and closing it behind him.

It will get better from here, Frank knew it would, but the healing process for cancer is painful and draining. He just hoped that by the time this is all over, he'd get all his strength back. He hoped to once again have thick, healthy brown hair.

He'd come back much stronger on the other side, he now realized. Everything he went through in the hospital, it would all lead to major changes in his life. He had reconnected with his mom, he'd made a friend his age, he'd learned to appreciate the simple things, he'd had a massive eye opening breakdown, and he'd met who he thought was probably the most amazing person on the planet.

Maybe when he steps foot back in his house, Frank will be a completely different person. He knew in hindsight he'd come to appreciate this experience despite the pain, and suffering, and distress.

He might just even come to forgive his father, but that's something for future Frank to think about.

He needs to find a way to keep in touch with Gerard- he has to. He could drag Gerard down to Jeff's record store- I mean, Gerard loves great music and Frank could give him nice discounts.

No, that's not his style. Frank doesn't need that excuse- he can just offer to hang out, like normal people do.

He wasn't going to be lonely anymore, Frank suddenly realized. He wished his grandfather was still alive to see it. Frank wasn't alone. And his mother was okay. He'd be proud of him, Frank can bet.

And then- that vision popped into Frank's head again, as he nuzzled into his blanket, only now it wasn't a fuzzy, out of reach fantasy. It could actually happen. If Frank does keep in touch with Gerard, maybe they would go to the woods together, and maybe Gerard would teach him martial arts and chase him around, and now Frank was smiling into his sheets gleefully, even though he felt like crap.

From now on, life will be good- about fucking time, Frank thought to himself.

And maybe- just maybe, Gerard was drawn to Frank as much as Frank was to him. He might damn well be, I mean, the way he looked at Frank before, when they were sharing skin to skin contact, that glimmer in his eyes, the soft tone of his voice...

Maybe Frank was just letting himself see what he wanted to see- he didn't even know if Gerard was into guys. He reckoned he wasn't, and Frank wouldn't make the first step anyway, he's too shy.

Maybe on that one day- the day in which he beats Gerard in a chess game, he'd allow himself to make a step, make it sort of a bet against himself. If he wins a game against Gerard, he has to make a move. Yeah, that sounded like a nice idea.

The only thing that kept him going throughout this experience was Gerard, If not for Gerard he would have probably thrown himself out of the window.

Gerard took care of him, mended him, listened to him, and accepted his flaws.

Gerard was there for him when he was lonely, Gerard would always lend a hand when he needed help.

Everything good that's happened to Frank the past couple of months was thanks to Gerard.

Frank reached for his phone.

'Night Mikes' He sent to Mikey, since they had basically been talking on a daily basis, and snuggled back into the blanket, which Gerard had so lovingly wrapped around him.

It truly all came down to Gerard in the end.

Gerard, the savior.

Gerard, Frank's silver lining.


	12. Crimson Raider

Frank had been sitting in the lobby of the hospital, his suitcase by his side, waiting for the final ‘go’. His second Chemo cycle had completed successfully the week before, and he was now ready to go home. It will probably be more than three weeks until he goes in for his third cycle. He had mixed feelings about the occasion, seeing as he’s grown so attached to the place. 

He was playing with a keychain between his fingers, one that Mikey had given him a few days prior. It was a blood red Vault Hunter symbol, from Borderlands 2, which he played on Mikey’s playstation and grew to love. He liked it so much that he begged Gerard to draw a vault hunter logo on his cast until he agreed, and called Frank a geek but also a true Crimson Raider.

Of course he was a true Crimson Raider- he was beating blood cancer, can there even be a more appropriate way to describe him?

He sighed deeply, unconsciously comparing the keychain to the symbol drawn on his cast, just like a few months ago, when he was comparing the butterfly to his tattoo. In both cases, one of the candidates was obviously stronger,

Frank Iero- the Crimson Raider. Beautiful, elegant, deadly. He slightly smiled to himself, without even noticing. 

It’s going to be different now, isn’t it? Everything.

Frank’s smile slowly faded. He didn’t know how to feel about today. He sighed heavily. He was wearing his own clothes now- instead of a hospital pajama. He’s missed the feeling, he hadn’t worn a normal outfit since Gerard took him to get his head buzzed.

He’ll be okay, Frank told himself. Everything will be okay. You’re fine. You’re okay.  
He kept telling that to himself, though he knew that he wasn’t. He’s going to be so lonely once he leaves, he was terrified of that. Above all, Frank’s second biggest fear was loneliness. The first being not having control on his life.

Yeah, he’ll do okay- he just has to keep in touch. I mean- he’s going to have to come here for his third chemo cycle anyway in a couple of weeks, and he’ll have to get his cast removed. He’d get plenty of chances to see Gerard even if he chickens out and doesn’t offer to hang out.

Frank glanced up to see the Way brothers walking towards him- Gerard had offered to help get Frank checked out, and Mikey volunteered to drive Frank home.  
Gerard smiled at Frank then, a sweet, small smile stretched over his unopened lips. Seeing it made Frank’s heart skip a beat. Gerard looked so nice, I mean, he always did, but there was something different this time. Frank’s own mouth stretched out into a small smile itself.

“All good to go, Iero.” Gerard said, giving Frank his papers. 

“Thanks.” Frank said, and shoved the papers into his backpack, and got up. Mikey grabbed Frank’s suitcase.

“I’ll help you with the luggage.” Mikey said, “You know Gerard’s car, right?” He followed.

“Yeah.” Frank nodded.

“Meet you there.” Mikey said, then disappeared behind the corner and out of the glass doors.

Gerard and Frank were left alone then, looking at each other. Frank didn’t really know what to say at that moment, he wish he could say just the right thing, but he really wasn’t good at goodbyes and would avoid them in any cost.

Gerard didn’t seem all that happy either, Frank thought. Maybe he didn’t actually want Frank to go home.

“I, uh…” Frank mumbled, looking down, “I’m not good at goodbyes. I wish I knew what to say to you right now. I wish I knew how to thank you for everything you did for me. But I don’t know how.” He said, then looked up at Gerard. He was smiling, this sort of bittersweet smile.

He took a step towards Frank, and hugged him. Frank returned the gesture, and for the last time savored Gerard’s smell, the beat of his heart, the warmth of his body. 

“You don’t have to do anything, Frank. Thanks for being a fantastic friend.” Gerard told him, as he gave frank back a pat and slowly let go of him.

“I just- I feel like everything is going to be different now.” Frank said, because he simply couldn’t help himself.

“Hey.” Gerard said, as he looked into Frank’s eyes. “Yeah- it’s going to be different. But guess what?” 

“What?” Frank asked, and Gerard smiled again.

“The person that arrived here a few months ago was pretty awesome. But the person standing in front of me right now is a completely different deal. Different isn’t necessarily bad, Frank Iero. You’ll do great.” Gerard told him, finishing it with a slight shoulder nudge, making Frank laugh a little.  
“It’s going to be really weird, not seeing you every single day.” Frank confessed. “Maybe- maybe you’d play some Borderlands with me and Mikey sometimes?” Frank asked, and he was probably being a little childish but hey, he’s still eighteen, he’s allowed to be childish.

“Of course.” He said, as Frank smiled , ”Also,” He dug something out of his pocket, “This is for you.” And Frank saw what looked like the same keychain Mikey had given him.

“Mikey already gave me one man, it’s cool.” Frank said, trying to politely reject the gift, I mean, why should Gerard give his own away when Frank already has one?

“No, look closely.” Gerard said, holding the keychain up so Frank can see it more clearly. “Mikey gave you a vault hunter one- this is a Crimson Raider one. It’s much cooler. Much more you.” Gerard explained softly, putting the keychain into Frank’s hand.

“Wow.” Frank said, letting out a breath. Gerard just does anything perfectly, doesn’t he? “I love it. Thank you so much, Gerard.” He said, and they shared another hug, a short lived one.

Once they pulled away, there was a short silence. A lot was going on in Frank’s mind at that moment.

“You know,” Gerard finally said, with a slight smirk, a strand of stray hair falling in front of your eyes. “I’m still waiting for you to beat me in a chess game, like you promised. You failed to deliver, Frank Iero.”

Frank laughed at that, turning slightly pink, looking away.

“Yeah.” He said. “Me too, you’ve no idea how much I’m waiting for that.”

Gerard smiled.

“Practice good, yeah? Crimson Raiders don’t lose.” He raised his eyebrows at Frank, presenting the challenge .

“Oh, don’t worry. I’ll win, all right.” Frank said with a smile, starting to walk away. “I’ll see you soon.” He said, waving at Gerard on his way out of the hospital.

“I sure hope so, Frank Iero.” Gerard yelled over his shoulder as Frank swung the glass doors open.

Right. Crimson Raiders survive on their own too. Frank made his way to Gerard’s black Honda, which he easily spotted in the parking lot. He proceeded to open the door, and got into the passenger seat next to Mikey, who soon enough ignited the engine and started driving.

“How’s it feel, going home?” Mikey asked, as he switched on the radio.

“I don’t know, honestly.” Frank said, “I’ve grown so attached to that place.” He said, still deep in thought.

“You’d be really happy once you set foot at home, I bet. It’ll be fine, dude.” Mikey said, turning the volume down slightly.

“No Mikes, you don’t get it. It’s different. I didn’t know what happy feels like until I got into the hospital. It’s just… I don’t know. Everything. Your brother, mostly, I guess.” Frank explained awkwardly, as he always did.

“He’s grown really attached to you, you know.” Mikey said, eyes on the road.  
“Yeah?” Frank glanced at him, surprised.

“Yeah. I mean’ he’s been in such a rut the past year, you basically dug him out of it.” Mikey explained.

“Gerard? In a rut? He seems so happy and bubbly all the time, though…”

“See, that’s his issue. He takes care of everyone all the time, he’s happy for everyone, but he never lets anyone help him when he needs it. He buries himself in other people’s problems so that he doesn’t have to deal with his own.” Mikey explained, and Frank could totally see it. It made him kind of sad, if he was being honest- one day he’ll take care of Gerard instead of Gerard caring for the rest of the world.

“Why was he stuck in a rut though?” Frank asked.

“He was in a really long relationship, same girl since he was seventeen. He proposed and she said no, so he broke up with her. It was pretty rough on him, but he would just keep drowning himself in work. I guess he didn’t see the negative effects it had on him. Things are different lately, though. He’s happy. You make him happy, he sees his eighteen year old self in you, I guess.” Frank was shocked. Gerard? Proposing at twenty two? Getting rejected and drowning in his own misery? Maybe Frank didn’t know Gerard all that well after all. He wanted to know him- he had to know him.

“Wow. That doesn’t even sound like the person I know.” Frank said, still trying to digest the information.

“Because it’s not. Now he’s back to being himself, I just hope he stays there. Keep him there, would you?” Mikey requested, and it was a lot to ask, but Frank had to. Frank would take care of Gerard, from now on. Well, maybe not from now, but when he’s not as sick anymore.

“Yeah, I will.” Frank promised to himself more than he did to Mikey. Gerard had a whole another layer of depth to him- multiple layers, even, that Frank didn’t know of. He’ll find out, though.

“Mikey?” He asked. 

“Yeah?” Mikey said, glancing at Frank for just a split second before turning his eyes back to the road.

“Would you stay my friend? Will we see each other again after today?” Frank asked. He couldn’t stand to be alone again, he wouldn’t survive.

“Honestly, I’m offended you even ask that.” Mikey answered.

“So is that a yeas or a no?” Mikey burst out laughing.

“God, you’re a dork.” He said, and Frank chuckled to himself. Mikey’s here to stay, of course, how could he even think otherwise.

Soon enough, they we’re pulling up on Frank’s driveway. Mikey helped Frank with his suitcase, gave him a hug and drove off, making Frank promise that he’d text him. And Frank did.

Taking the keys out of his pocket felt so surreal, an act he hadn’t done in such a long time, it nearly felt otherworldly. He pushed the key inside the lock, and with a few clicks and turns, the door to his grandfathers old home slowly opened. 

He stepped inside. He was right, before, it did feel different. Completely and utterly alien, yet oddly familiar. The place he knew so well, but now faced with a different outlook. As a different person. 

His mom took the time to clean his place up a bit and sort it out. Frank was thankful for that, completely forgetting that she did it until he actually saw the house for the first time in a log time.

He left his suitcase in the living room, as is. He can deal with it later. He went up the stairs, softly brushing the details on the railing with his fingers, savoring the long lost sensation.

He stepped into his bedroom, which was his favorite room. He noticed his guitar, a black Les Paul with a single blood red sticker that used to belong to his father, a guitar he had refused to touch in so long. 

Frank came up to it, sat on the floor in front of it, and looked at it for a short while. Finally, He picked the instrument into his hands, and tried to strum a couple of chords on the unplugged guitar. It sounded horrible, of course, severely out of tune and neglected. Since he decided that he’s going to work on forgiveness, and as he took the instrument into his hands he felt an immediate connection, he gently tuned the guitar, letting his fingers feel the strings, get to know them.

Frank sighed quietly, and stroked the guitars neck, brushing some dust off. It really was beautiful. And strong, and elegant and mysterious.

“I shall call you Crimson Raider.” Frank said definitively.

The Crimson Raider- beautiful. Brave. A fighter.

Crimson Raiders never give up.

They always, always find a way.


	13. Emerald Regret

Frank was sitting on the couch in his living room, a bowl of actual food in his hands. He’s always been a pretty good cook, but since leaving the hospital, he acquired an entirely different appreciation for food.  
Today, he decided to steam some broccoli before putting it on the frying pan along with some olive oil, garlic and lemon juice. The blueness of the fried garlic almost gave the dish an emerald hue- it could have been a work of art, to Frank’s eyes.

Given his condition, Frank opted to keep it healthy and avoid adding any salt or hot sauce. Cooking was exhausting, but Frank really needed some good hot food to keep his mood up and his hands busy.

And so, he popped a Smashing Pumpkins vinyl on the turntable, and ate his meal while seated on the couch, in front of his coffee table, listening to the music.

This time, Frank nearly had it made as good as his mom’s food, but it would never compare. His mom came around every few days since he’s left the hospital- helped him do the dishes and sort out the house, following it up with a hot meal.

Frank really liked it, he liked it a lot actually- it almost felt like a compensation for all the years in which he missed out on the relationship between his mom and him. After eating, they’d usually watch a movie, and Frank nearly always fell asleep halfway through.

Mikey came by three times since Frank has left the hospital, and that was always incredibly fun- playing video games and listening to music, playing guitars, and mostly- just talking.

Frank talked to old Jeff on the phone, who was very happy to hear that Frank was out of the hospital and getting better. Frank really wanted to go back to work already, but he couldn’t just yet. Some other kid was helping Jeff out in the store in the meantime, which Frank was pleased to hear about- he couldn’t imagine old Jeff doing everything on his own.

All that being said, tonight, Frank was alone, and tonight, he was lonely. He didn’t want to be a burden on people, and quite honestly, he was lonely all the time lately.

It had been nearly two weeks since he’s left the hospital, and he barely talked to Gerard, much less seen him. Frank suddenly realized that Gerard is working nearly all the time, and probably doesn’t have much time for him. He never thought about it when he was at the hospital, but now he understood just how much of his time and energy Gerard was spending at work. It must have been so exhausting.

Frank finished chewing the last forkful of broccoli, and set the bowl on the coffee table, pulling his legs up to sit cross legged on the couch, leaning back. He sighed.

He missed Gerard so much, it hurt. Whenever he thought about it, he felt that odd pressure in his chest, that strange feeling indicating that something is missing, that something is just not right.

If he thought about it too much- he might just find himself sitting and staring at his walls for hours, obsessing over it.

But just then- he heard the discord ring up on his playstation, and so, he grabbed the remote and switched the amplifier to the console instead of the record player, but let the record keep spinning on the turntable- it soothed him in a way. 

He answered the call, it was Mikey.

“Hey man, wanna play?” Mikey’s voice chimed up on his speakers.

“Sure, Mikes.” Frank answered. He bought Borderlands 2 almost right after coming home from the hospital, waiting on Mikey to start out the whole campaign from the beginning together. Unfortunately, Mikey’s playstation’s hard drive got fried a week prior, which left him having to go out and get a new one, then try to recover the data. Frank found it amusing- the lack of life Mikey has to have in order to be playing so much that he fries up his hard drive.

Now though, they were all set and ready to go, and Frank was excited.

“I call Zer0!” Frank shouted out before Mikey could say anything, logging onto the game.

“Ain’t no way in hell, Zer0 is my main. Keep dreaming, little punk.” Mikey responded. They can’t both be Zer0- having two of the same character sucks.

“Whatever man, I had shotgun, I’m Zer0.” Frank said, and after a bit of back and forth arguing, Frank was stubborn and annoying enough to get his wish, and Mikey played as Maya.

“You’re no fair, Iero. I never opt to play the hot chick in my games.” Mikey complained as they logged onto a server, Mikey being the host since he had all the DLC’s to the game.

“You played it a million times, you geek, let me have some fun.” And so they played together, and just like anything else they did together, it was incredibly fun, and a couple of hours flew by without Frank even noticing.

“Have you spoken to Gerard lately?” Mikey suddenly asked, in the middle of a minor boss fight.  
“Not really I guess. Just a couple of times. Why?”

“I dunno. He’s being a little weird, I guess.” Gerard was being weird? Weird how? Frank was about to ask, but heard Mikey’s mom yelling something over to him.

“Listen, I forgot to do my chores which means I’m in for an ass whooping so I’m gonna go.” Mikey said, apparently legitimately afraid, which Frank found amusing.

“Okay, talk to you later.” Frank responded.

“Bye, Frank.” Mikey said, and logged off. Frank was once again left alone, sitting in silence. He sat for a few moments, feeling that loneliness again, and decided that he should probably go sleep. He got up, and removed the needle from the record, then switched off the record player. He proceeded to put his bowl in the sink- he was too tired to wash it now.

Frank turned off the lights, went upstairs and crashed on his bed. He was cold, and so he climbed under his blanket, remembering that night when he was sick and Gerard wrapped him in his covers. Frank missed moments like that so much it hurt. He really wanted to cry at that moment, but he wasn’t going o let himself.

Gerard and him were drifting apart.

He should have known it would happen, with Gerard’s job and all, but he just really wanted them to stay in touch. It wasn’t working out so great lately. Frank still kept playing against himself, hoping to beat Gerard someday. He has to. He tried practicing against Mikey, but he was nowhere near Frank‘s level of expertise. 

Frank turned to his other side and sighed deeply. His head hurt. He was lonely, and sad, and his head hurt.

He needed to sleep now, he decided. Maybe sleep will help him organize his thoughts, process the information. Besides, he was extremely tired anyway. And so, Frank closed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep, tucked into his covers in the cold night.

Frank was startled when about an hour later he was woken up by the buzzing of his phone. He couldn’t look at the overly bright screen, and answered the phone, groggy and on the edge of consciousness.

“Mmm… Hello?” He said hoarsely into his phone.

“Frank?” It was Gerard’s voice, and Frank’s heart went speeding up as soon as he heard it. “Oh gosh, I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”

“No, no, it’s okay.” Frank said, still not completely aware.

“No, I’m sorry, go back to sleep.” Gerard said. He sounded different. He sounded worried, and sad, and Frank never heard him like that.

“Hey, no, please stay.” Frank said. He wanted to hear Gerard right now, he needed to hear him.

“Okay.” Gerard said, and a short silence followed. “I missed you. I just wanted to hear your voice.” He continued, his voice laced with that same distress.

 

“I missed you too.” Frank said sleepily. He wanted to be more awake for this conversation, and he was trying really hard but he was extremely tired. “Are you okay? You sound weird.” Frank said.

“Yeah, I’m good. How are you feeling?” Gerard asked, but he clearly wasn’t all good, Frank could tell that much.

“Come on, Gerard, all we do is talk about how I feel. Tell me what’s going on with you this time, would you?” Frank said. This time, Gerard needed help, and he was going to be there for him. It was silent for a few moments once again.

“It’s just… Today is the anniversary of something and I’m having a hard time.” Gerard said. Frank paused to think, before realizing what Gerard was referring to. 

“You mean…” Frank tried to think of a proper way to phrase it, without being offensive or insensitive, but he figured there wasn’t a gentle way to say it. “The proposal breakup thing?”

“Wait, how’d you know about it?” Gerard asked.

“Mikey told me.” Frank said, “I’m sorry, Gerard. It must feel horrible.”

“It’s just-“ He said, then paused. “I was going through my stuff, and then I found the ring. I mean what are the odds I’d find the ring on this particular day.” Gerard said, in an odd, flat voice that Frank had never heard him conjure.

“It’s okay, Gerard. It will get better.” Frank tried to console him, but admittedly, he wasn’t all the good at that.

“I even- It was supposed to be so special. I bought her an emerald ring; it was supposed to be special. I loved her so much, I wanted to give my entire life to her, but she said no.” Gerard sounded like he was about to cry. “She always said she didn’t want a diamond, and she loved emeralds. It was supposed to be perfect. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.” And that was the moment Frank realized that Gerard was at least somewhat drunk. “Now I’m just staring at this stupid ring. Frank, it hurts so much.”

“I know, Gerard. Trust me, I understand. I promise you it will get better with time. The pain will fade, and I’ll always be here for you.” If Gerard was there, Frank would hug him, and make him some tea, and wrap him in a blanket, but there was only so much he could do over the phone. He wished he could do more. “Don’t resent that ring. It will wait for the right person; it doesn’t have to be a bitter memory, Gerard.”

“She was the right person.” Gerard said sourly. It hurt. Frank never heard Gerard like that. Gerard needed to be happy, Frank had to make him happy again.

“No, Gerard. If she was the right person she would have been there with you right now, as your wife. You’ll find someone else, someone better, trust me.” Frank said, and silence commenced. Frank could hear Gerard’s breathing over the phone, and it was nice, and relaxing, and he could fall asleep listening to it.

“Thank you.” Gerard finally broke the silence. “For listening to me. I’m so sorry for waking you up.”

“Don’t be, I’m always here to talk.” Another layer of Gerard finally appearing. Gerard wasn’t all on the surface as he may seem. Gerard was still human, and imperfect, with his own problems and pain. It only made Frank love him even more, feel closer to him.

“I wanted to see you so much. I wish I had enough time, I miss you so much.” Gerard said, and Frank couldn’t tell whether he was crying or not anymore. He felt a sharp sting in his chest at that thought.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Don’t be sad about that. I’m starting my third cycle soon, we’ll see each other all the time. Just keep in touch with me, please.” Frank said, feeling his eyelids flutter shut every once in a while.

“I miss you.” Gerard said, but through the words, Frank felt something different.

“I miss you too.” Frank said, and they fell into silence, and without hanging up or having any control over it, Frank fell asleep.


	14. Violet History

“Hmm… And I’ll kiss anyone tonight…” Frank was softly humming, muffled and barely understandable enough to make out the lyrics as he was strumming ‘Violet Rays’ by the Smashing Pumpkins on his dad’s old guitar. It sounded kind of jagged and rough, but usually that was just Frank’s style: ragged, blue, and imperfect. 

He was sitting on his bed in his favorite pair of sweatpants and jumper, legs hanging off the side, the guitar perched softly in his lap. The cord was running all the way from the guitar to the amp on the other side of the room, threatening to fall out at any moment. Frank was having a little bit of trouble, strumming with the cast on, but he managed.

No, none of it was perfect. Frank liked it that way. That was the first time he had played that guitar, connected to an amp and all. It felt different, much more different than when he played the same old Fender he always had. But, on his journey of forgiveness and acceptance, he decided to give Crimson Raider a chance. She was broken, and disheveled and beautiful- like Frank. It felt odd at first, but soon enough the instruments neck felt like home to the palm of Frank’s hand, and the strings brushed against his fingers lovingly, accepting him.

They don’t talk about it much, do they, about the connection or lack of connection a musician can have with an instrument? Well. It is very much a present occurrence in every musician’s life. You can try playing the same piece over and over on a certain instrument and it just wouldn’t work, but then, you’ll pick up a different one and it will glide by smoothly by the very first time.

Frank loved thinking about things like that- and Crimson Raider was very much accepting him, letting him strum violet rays across its strings, listening to him doing something between mutter and sing the lyrics, and work on himself while he’s at it.  
Playing this guitar felt very therapeutic to Frank. He hasn’t told anyone about it. It was his little secret. He reckoned his mom knew he had that guitar, but nothing more. She knew exactly how Frank used to feel about his father, and probably didn’t think he’d ever grow to love that same guitar that used to belong to him. 

“Spells fall frail…Webs catching sail…” He kept softly singing the lyrics to himself, until he was cut off by the ringing of his phone.  
He stopped playing, and stretched out across the bed to grab his phone. The screen displayed Gerard’s name. Frank’s heart basically skipped a bit. It had been a couple of days since they last talked. The time they’d spent apart made Frank once again feel butterflies in his stomach at the simple mention of his name, at the thought of his smile, and his smell, and his heartbeat. If he was being honest, Gerard rarely left his mind lately.

Frank answered.

“Hey, man.” He said into the device, trying as hard as possible to keep any shaking or excitement out of his voice which was threatening to quiver. He turned the volume knob of the guitar all the way down, to mute the distorting of the amp.

“Okay, two questions: one, did I drunk call you a couple of days ago?” Gerard asked curiously. He didn’t remember.

“Yeah. You don’t remember?” Frank asked, leaning back to lie down on his bed, still hugging the guitar close.

“Oh shit. Did I-“

“Yes, you may have mentioned the incident from last year. It’s okay, you can talk to me about it whenever. You’re too repressed.” Frank responded openly. Now Gerard was being the awkward secret keeping one- so Frank had to force himself to be the open rational one. He wanted to be there for Gerard, and he was going to be the best for him right now.

“Right, yeah…” Gerard said, sort of hesitantly, in this manner that Frank barely recognized from him. Imperfect Gerard.

Beautifully human Gerard.

“Okay, two: I’m getting off early today, and I haven’t seen you in so long, I was wondering if it would be okay for me to stop by?” He asked, and he sounded more like the Gerard Frank was used to, and as he heard those words his heart went speeding at like two hundred beats per minute.

“No, Yeah, I’d love that. Great. Cool. That’d be awesome.” Frank was trying to keep cool, but he felt like he could just explode on the inside. Had he had the chance, he’d have seen Gerard every day since he’d left the hospital but he had to admit, the wait was worth it.

“Fantastic. I’ll come by in a couple of hours then.”

“The door’s open, just let yourself in, yeah?” Frank said, and he wasn’t proud of that, but his current energy levels wouldn’t allow him to go dashing up and down the stairs at will whenever he felt like.

“Sure. I’ll get us a vegan pizza or something, it’s gonna be fun.” Gerard said, with a smile in his voice, which reflected on Frank’s own features.

“See you, then.” Frank said softly.

“Adios, Frank.” Gerard said, and hung up. Frank put his phone back down, smiling softly to himself, heart still racing. He turned the volume back up, and kept strumming along to violet rays, first sitting up, then leaning back, and then laying down, until he fell asleep with the guitar in his arms, soft breaths leaving his lips.

He dreamt of the ocean while he slept. He dreamt of blue Frank. Blue Frank was this version of him that appeared in his dreams, when he was feeling sad, and lost, and cold, either floating far off in space or standing by the winter ocean.  
This time, blue Frank was different. He was peaceful, and calm, and not drowning in the ocean.  
He was standing on the shore, looking at the crashing, stormy waves, this overwhelming feeling of peace washing over him. The wind was washing over his face, a bit harshly even, but it felt amazing. He was taking deep breaths, his hair waving in the wind. He always had hair in his dreams.  
It felt like forever, like he was standing at the foot of the howling menacing ocean for years and years, undisturbed, and calm.

Until suddenly, he felt a presence beside him. He didn’t hear or see anyone approaching, but as it is in dreams, he just felt that someone was there. When he looked over his left shoulder, he saw Gerard next to him, staring off into the water, his scarf dangling in the wind. His eyes were squinting, probably because of the harsh wind. He didn’t seem to notice Frank, he was just standing upright, hands in his pockets, staring at the ocean.  
Frank decided that he wouldn’t say anything now. He turned back to look at the ocean, still feeling peaceful and calm, but now also comforted with Gerard’s presence. 

It was a really good dream, as far as Frank’s dreams go.

His eyes slowly fluttered open as he came back to reality. He woke up hugging his guitar, his arms wrapped around the neck, his right let flung over the body of the guitar. He rolled onto his back, untangling his limbs from the guitar.

It smelled really good in here, Frank thought, and as he sat up sleepy and drowsy, he was welcomed by the unlikely sight of Gerard, sitting on the loveseat at the other side of the room, one of Frank’s comics in his lap, open, though he was looking at Frank instead now, with a soft smile that made Frank’s insides turn.

“Morning, Iero.” Gerard said, and Frank noted, trying to ignore his racing heart, that Gerard looked pale, and tired; he had bags under his eyes, and looked like he may have shred off a pound or two. He was wearing a pair of blue jeans and a black and grey striped sweater. His shoes were neatly placed on the ground beside him, as he had his legs up on Franks sofa.

“Hey.” Frank responded with a smile, figuring that Gerard probably turned the amplifier off as he didn’t hear the buzzing that usually accompanied it.

“I really like your guitar. You often fall asleep hugging it?” Gerard asked, and Frank was too distracted to quickly understand the words that he was saying. Gerard looked really drained.

“First time playing it, actually.” He answered, as he put Crimson Raider aside, and got to his feet.

“How come? It looks pretty knackered. In a good way, I mean.” It was true- the guitar had scrapes and scratches all around it. Frank loved them though, they were very aesthetically pleasing in his opinion.

“That used to be my fathers guitar. I refused to touch it, up until I came back from the hospital.” Gerard also got up, and put Frank’s copy of Ultimate Deadpool back on the shelf. Frank loved the fact that Gerard took his shoes off, and that he was wearing this cozy sweater, he’d been dying to see what at home comfortable Gerard is like. Yet another layer to explore.

“Why is that?” Gerard asked, and came up in front of Frank though at a safe distance, hands in pockets.

“I was very angry, I couldn’t forgive him. Now I’m trying to mature out of it, so I called her Crimson Raider and now I love her.” Frank explained, and Gerard listened, looking deep into his soul for a few moments.

“Frank, will you ever tell me the entire story of what happened with your father?” He finally asked. From up close, he looked even more exhausted.

“Someday. But not today.” Frank responded. He wasn’t ready for that yet. Gerard took a step forward, his hands now out of his pockets and hugged Frank.

It was so warm, and welcoming; Frank put his hands on Gerard’s back, savoring the feeling. His heart rate was speeding up.

“I’ve missed you.” Gerard said as he pulled away.

“I missed you too.” Frank said with a soft smile, before addressing the elephant in the room. “Gerard, you look completely knackered. What’s up?” Frank asked, his eyebrows furrowed. Gerard glanced down, then to the side, and then back at Frank. He finished the sequence off with a sad smile and a shoulder shrug.

“Come on, I want to know.” Frank urged him and Gerard sighed. 

“Alright, alright. Talk it over a game of chess and a pizza?” He asked, lifting his left eyebrow, and gesturing to the pizza box that had magically appeared on Frank’s desk.

“Sounds good to me.” He said, as they both went downstairs. They had the chess board set up on the kitchen table now, ready to play and already eating pizza.

“It’s about Violet.” Gerard said, making the first move.

“Her name’s Violet? The girl who-“

“Yeah. You wanna hear the full story? I reckon I didn’t make much sense when I was drunk over the phone.” He said, as Frank made his first move.

“We always talk about my issues. I want you to tell me everything and I will try my best to be as helpful as I can.” Frank said sincerely, sending a supportive smile in Gerard’s direction.

“Well, we met in high school. I fell for her so hard, it almost felt surreal, she seemed like the perfect girl. She sat next to me in physics. She had long brown hair and green eyes. She was really short, and beautiful, and had great taste in music. One day I gathered up the courage to talk to her, and we became friends, started meeting outside of school, going for ice cream, stuff like that. One day I decided that I just have to have her forever, and I kissed her, and she kissed me back, and I was going to faint, it felt like. I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend and she said yes, and we’ve been dating ever since. It was amazing, I mean we argued and fought sometimes, but every couple does and all in all it felt like a healthy, near perfect relationship. It felt different than anything else I’d experienced. It felt real. We ended up losing our virginities together, going to prom, all that sappy shit- it felt like it was going to be forever. So last year, I went out and decided to make the girl of my dreams my wife. It felt so right, I was sure she was going to say yes but then bam! Knife to the heart. She said she wasn’t looking to get married, and it hurt so fucking hard, and the situation turned hysterical and toxic real quick and we ended up breaking up. It shattered me.” He took a deep breath, looking at the chess board for a little while, as he did, holding his hands as though he was kissing a gun.

“Go on.” Frank said gently, and Gerard made his next move, before taking a deep breath and continuing with the story.

“It wasn’t until a couple of months ago that I got better and managed to move on with my life and then, that date fucking hit me so hard. It should have been our anniversary. It just… It all hit me so hard, like a train crashing into me. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I was barely managing to work. I mean, I’m a little better now but it hurts so fucking bad.” He stopped and looked down, closing his eyes. Gerard was in pain. He should never, ever be in pain.

Gears slowly activating, Frank got on his feet and sat in the chair next to Gerard, and hugged him from the side. Gerard leaned into it, resting his head on Frank’s shoulder and putting his hand on Frank’s arm.

“I know. It will get better, I promise.” He tried to comfort Gerard, who had this painful expression on his face, now sort of looking off into nowhere, sighing deeply. “Gerard, I’m here for you. You don’t have to be a perfect smiley ray of sunshine for everyone all the time. For once, let people take care of you instead of hiding everything and trying to make everyone else happy. You deserve to be happy, too.” Frank was never really good at comforting, so he decided to just say what he felt.

“Here.” He said as he let go of Gerard, and took a piece of pizza, which yeah, it was already cold but it was still pizza. He basically shoved it into Gerard’s face. “Pizza will make it better.” He said, and Gerard burst out laughing, a real laugh, as he succumbed to the pressure and took the slice.

“You are phenomenal, Frank Iero.” He said, shaking his head, and took a bite of his slice.

“Look, if it wasn’t meant to work out with Violet, it wouldn’t do you any good to keep wondering ‘what if’. There’s no if, Gerard. It happened, and it sucks, but that’s the way it is. You’re wearing pink sunglasses when you think about her. It’s time to chuck them away, and actually observe whatever happened more maturely.” Frank said, taking another slice for himself and eating it.

“I know, I know you’re right but-“

“Nope, nope, no more sulking about it right now, Gee.” Frank said, as he downed the rest of his slice. “The whole point is trying to forget about it. Come on.” Frank said as he got up, and gestured Gerard to follow. 

They went into the living room, and Frank opened up his record cabinet. “Choose.”

“Woah.” Gerard said with awe, looking up and down at the appallingly massive amount of records Frank owned. Working at Music Gate sure had its benefits. Finally, Gerard chose Automatic for the People by R.E.M, and they put it on the turntable, placing the needle on the record, making the music come to life. Gerard smiled and jumped to his feet.

“Dance with me, Frank Iero?” He said, stretching his hand out in Frank’s direction.

“What? No, you dork.” Frank answered, turning completely red, crossing his arms over his chest and laughing as he slumped down on the couch.

“Come on, for me?” Gerard begged, and without waiting for Frank’s answer, he grabbed Frank’s hand and pulled him up. He grabbed his second hand now, jumping back and forth and singing along with the lyrics, dragging Frank’s arms with him, like the carcasses of two dead snakes.

Finally, Frank gave up and with a sigh and a smile, started jumping around with Gerard. It was fun, he had to admit, and they were smiling at each other, and Gerard was being silly and funny and Frank loved that new layer which he had discovered. As the song ended, Frank was pretty much completely tired down.

“Wanna finish that game, then?” He asked Gerard, and Gerard just looked at him for a couple of moments.

“Frank, I won.” Gerard said.

“Are you shitting me?”

“It’s a checkmate, you can go check the board if you want.” He said, and Frank made his way into the kitchen.

And sure enough, “Are you fucking serious?!”


	15. Golden Hour

It was a particularly out of character winter afternoon. The golden rays of the afternoon sun were shining brightly through the large windows.

Frank was sitting in the big gray armchair of the chemotherapy treatment room. The IV was already in his arm, and the liquid was slowly dripping, making its way into Frank’s veins, mixing with his cancerous blood.  
It was the first treatment of his third chemo cycle- after a long while of not receiving the treatment. 

As per usual, it didn’t feel great at all, but Frank will have to make do with it. As he started getting better and his disease started healing- his reaction to the treatment got worse. He assumed it was simply because when he was really ill, at his worst, he didn’t notice the aftermath of chemo since he felt horrible all over all the time.

Maybe it’s a good sign- maybe it means that his general feeling is getting better.

The boy in the chair beside him kept glancing at him, Frank noted, and decided to take a look at him as well. As soon as Frank did, the kid looked away. He was about sixteen, Frank noted, and his hair was long which meant he was probably going through his first treatment today. 

He must be feeling like it’s the end of the world, like Frank did when he was a kid. Frank looked back at his knees. After all, it’s not polite to stare, he must be under enough pressure as is, plus he’s all alone. It’s odd, a young boy sitting through chemo without his family around, without anyone to help through what is probably the toughest time in his life. Maybe Frank should say something to him after all.

“I’m sorry.” Before Frank could say anything, the kid spoke up. Frank looked at him, and sure enough, a pair of blue eyes was looking back at him.

“What? What for?” Frank asked, subtle confusion in his voice.

“For staring. I just really like your tattoos.” The boy said in a quiet voice.

“No sweat, it’s all good.” Frank said with a smile. “Thank you.” The kid smiled back at him, small and barely noticeable. He was scared, Frank could tell. “Is this your first time?” Frank asked.

“Yeah.” He answered quietly, looking down at his knees.

“Don’t you worry about it. You’ll be fine.” Frank said, and he must admit- he sounded quite convincing which was a rare occurrence. 

“Can I ask how long you, you know, uh- been dealing with this?” The boy asked, making eye contact once again. He seemed so young to Frank now, so much younger than him, even though he was just a couple of years younger in reality. 

“Actually it’s not my first time getting cancer.” Frank admitted, and the boy’s eyes grew a bit wider. “Yeah. I beat it as a young kid. And it decided to make a comeback some months ago.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” He said and looked back down.

“Don’t be. What’s your name?” Frank asked.

“Richey.”

“I’m Frank.” Frank said, smiling lightly. He didn’t know how- but he was actually managing to talk to that kid, like a normal human, not like his usual shy and repressed self.

“Can I ask you something? Like treatment stuff?” The boy asked.

“Yeah, go ahead.” Frank nodded.

“Did you do radiation therapy?” Richey asked, and Frank could tell he was afraid of the treatments to come.

“No, unfortunately I have blood cancer, not much radiation therapy can do for me.” He explained, and he truly felt bad in that regard. That boy reminded him of his younger self; scared, worried, and most of all, alone.

“Oh. I have it in my spine.” He responded, and looked back down once again.

“You’ll be okay, you know.” Frank finally said, “As long as you’re acting rationally and keeping your head clear.” Richey nodded.

“What happened to your hand?” Richey asked, then, glancing at Frank’s cast. It was not quite time to get it removed yet, and it started to look kind of tattered and ragged.

“I wasn’t acting rational and I didn’t keep my mind clear.” Frank said and glanced back at Richey. He wasn’t as ashamed of it now, he assumed- after sharing the truth with Gerard, and Mikey, and Fabrizio and his mom. It wouldn’t make much of a difference if just another person knew.

“Well, if it isn’t Frank Iero.” Gerard’s voice chimed up from the doorway, and Frank turned his head to look in his direction. Gerard was leaning against the doorframe, in his nurse’s outfit. His hair was up in a pony tail, as per usual, and there was a mischievous smile playing on his lips.

“To what do I owe the pleasure, ponytail?” Frank poked fun at him, even though he looked really good, good enough to send Frank’s BPM through the roof. Gerard pushed himself up and walked towards them.

“Thought I’d check on Richey here, just had a chat with his parents.” Gerard said, taking a seat on a plastic chair in front of them. “I see you had the time to get acquainted.” Gerard said, smiling in Richey’s direction and Frank could just feel it- that effect Gerard had on people- That way in which his presence simply made their chests feel a little lighter, their body and soul a little stronger, comforting them without virtually doing anything at all- but actually doing so much, yet keeping it secret, unseen.

He was so lovely, elegantly conducting his magic, giving it his all.

“How are you doing, Richey? You ok?” Gerard said, giving the younger boy a soft pat on the shoulder.

“Yeah. Keeping my head clear.” He said, as he glanced at Frank with a broken smile. Gerard then glanced at Frank as well, a certain mystery behind the liveliness in his eyes, the same soft smile back to his face. He was looking deep at Frank and he probably just knew that Frank had told the boy something. Gerard looked back at Richey.

“Getting advice from Frank is gold.” He said simply, with a serious face, before getting up and disappearing to wherever he did.

“Funny fella, isn’t he?” Richey commented, making Frank chuckle lightly.

“You’ve no idea.” Frank said, felling that affection that made his stomach tingle, that feeling that only Gerard could make him feel. He was feeling lightheaded now, and out of focus, his vision sort of blurred. Frank hated the aftermath of chemotherapy treatments. The bag was empty by now, and the nurse came to unhook Frank from the IV.

As Frank got up, he noticed Richey gazing at him, wide eyed. He was afraid to be alone. Frank put his hand on Richey’s shoulder.

“Hey. You’ll be alright, I promise. If you’re ever lonely, or scared, just talk to Gerard. He’ll understand. He’ll fix it.” Frank assured him.

“Thank you.” Richey smiled at him, though Frank was already urgently walking toward the door, and as soon as he made it out of there, he was bolting towards the bathroom with all his might.

“Frank!” He heard a voice call behind him, but it didn’t register in his brain right now. 

He made it to the bathroom just in time, crashing on his knees in front of the toilet bowl letting his stomach spill whatever it was that he had for lunch, and probably what he had for breakfast as well.   
It hurt, and he felt as though his entire body was turning upside down, and the feeling was so intense that his eyes were tearing up and his throat felt as though it was on fire. He thanked god the bathroom was empty and nobody heard him hurling.

The door flung open.

“Frank!” Gerard came in. Frank was looking at him, head laid on the toilet seat, struggling to keep his eyes open. Gerard’s eyebrows were furrowed.

“Ugh.” Was the only sound Frank made in response, as Gerard approached him, and put his hand on Frank’s back. Chemo was especially bad when you start off again after a break between cycles, and even though Frank has been feeling pretty good all around lately- now he felt frail, and weak and broken. Blue Frank- floating far off in space, unable to fathom anything.  
Frank decided then to close his eyes, just relishing the soft comfort of Gerard’s hand on his back. Gerard crouched down next to him.

“Go away, I’m disgusting right now.” Frank said, because it must not have been pleasant for Gerard, being around him and comforting him when the entire room smelled like stomach acids and he was sweating and tearing up.

“I thought we were past the point where you hide things from me.” Gerard said. Frank opened his eyes. The golden afternoon light was shining through the window on Gerard’s face, diagonally, over one eye but not the other. His Illuminated eye shined at Frank with brilliant golden hazel, that same ambiguous deepness coursing through it, mesmerizing Frank, hypnotizing him.

“I’m dizzy.” He said, as his eyes fluttered shut again, the golden light making him nauseous even though he wanted to keep looking forever, locking that look in Gerard’s eyes in his mind forever.

“Okay, up we go.” Gerard said as he wrapped his arms around Frank’s waist, pulling him up, and then flushing the toilet before sitting Frank down against the wall. To Frank’s surprise, Gerard proceeded to sit down next to him, on the bathroom floor, his back against the wall. Frank opened his eyes, turning to look at Gerard. With half lidded eyes, he saw Gerard looking right back at him. It was quiet for a while. Gerard smiled a little awkwardly.

“You’re looking at me funny.” He commented and Frank let his head fall back against the wall, soft laughter escaping through his smile.

“What?” Gerard asked, confused but not unamused.

“Nothing. The light from the window was shining on you like you’re superman or something.” He said.

“Who’s to say I’m not? Ever seen me and him in the same room?” Gerard responded.

“I really should slap you for that dated joke, you know. I expect better humor coming from you, ponytail.” Frank said, and Gerard chuckled.

“Touché, Iero.” Gerard said, in his laid back tone, removing the rubber band from his hair and letting it fall down, framing his face, a few stray strands falling in front of his eyes. “After all this time, it still hurts to see you like this, you know?” Gerard then said, in a more serious tone, his face quite blank, but his eyes overflowing with emotion, projected out through the golden light like a movie at the cinema. He truly was beautiful in every sense of the word.

“You work at the hospital, aren’t you used to it by now?” Frank responded, in a quiet voice, his eyes still occasionally rolling back into his skull and closing, rejecting the bright light that Frank was so eager to see shine on Gerard’s face, as if on purpose. Beauty- always hidden, existing to please the eye and soul, yet too afraid of being tainted to let you experience it long enough to appreciate it. Oh, the irony.

“Being used to something doesn’t make it less painful.” He turned his face to Frank, hugging his knees to his chest. “Frank, I love my patients to death. Sometimes literally. And it kills me to see them like that, but I have to do everything I can to help them.”

Yet another layer uncovered. Golden Gerard- beautiful, kind, and secretly hurting. Frank would never have been able to handle it- getting to know someone, forming a relationship, and then see them suffer and pass away. Golden Gerard- infinitely strong, a hero, sacrificing himself for others. 

“You’re golden.” Frank said, his eyes struggling to keep open, looking at Gerard’s face. Gerard furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “You really are Superman, aren’t you? You’re a hero.” Frank said. Gerard laughed bashfully, turning his gaze down.

“I’m really happy to have you in my life, Frank Iero.” Gerard said, putting his hand on Frank’s shoulder, softly brushing circles on it with his thumb. “But I believe I may only be a hero in your eyes.”

“No, Gerard. Everyone loves you, can’t you see it? We all look up to you. That kid out there was looking at you as though his peace of mind depends on your existence. You are a hero.” Frank rambled on, closing his eyes.

“If I were a hero, I’d have the power to heal them all.” Gerard said bitterly, and Frank turned his head to look at him. No, Gerard is not allowed to be sad about that. He does his absolute best. Frank has to make him feel better somehow.  
And so, Frank touched his fingers to Gerard’s forehead.

“I give you thy power, ponytail.” He said, in an exaggerated Jedi voice, and Gerard just burst out laughing.

“You really are something special, Frank.”


	16. Orange Flames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I listened to Something Vague by Bright Eyes and this ended up happening. I'm feeling very lonely rn sorry.

This was the day, Frank thought.

Another year flew by. Whenever that day came around, Frank didn’t know how to deal with it. It was pretty bad every year, but this time, for some reason, it was different.  
It was worse. Much, much worse. At first, as a child, Frank didn’t really understand it. It didn’t have much of an effect on him in the beginning, to be honest. When he grew a bit older, ignorance turned to pain and sadness. With another couple of years passing by, pain turned into rage. And now, rage turned into…

Nothing.

Or rather, everything. Frank couldn’t say he knew exactly what was going on at this point in time. This world is a nasty, ugly place to live in. Yeah, maybe that’s what he was feeling right now.

He needs to get his cast removed some time this week. It started to look tattered and ugly. Frank liked it. But having his wrist not be broken would obviously be nicer.

He’d managed to put some weight on, being home and eating proper food and all. It wasn’t much, but 2 lbs was a pretty nice improvement, especially with him still getting chemotherapy and all. At least he didn’t look as boney anymore. Once he’s done with that, he’ll probably gain weight faster, and he’ll make sure to work out on a daily basis, have a chance to build his body the way he wants to, shape it nicely.  
He was a tiny bit pudgy before, sort of skinny-fat. Maybe losing all that weight wouldn’t be so bad, after all, getting a chance to gain it back in a better, more aesthetic way. From now on, Frank will put the effort to treat his body the way it deserves to be treated.

But not today. Today is different.

Today, Frank is sitting in his front yard. It’s February, and it’s snowing outside, and he’s shirtless. Today, Frank isn’t cold. Today, Frank is nothing.

Today, Frank is smoking again. And today, it’s not enough to soothe him, not enough to cool down the burning ache in his mind.

It has been a very, very long time since Frank put a cigarette between his lips. The act of it alone automatically threw him back to when he was at his worst, if only for just this day. He really, really hoped it would be just today.

The smoke was burning his lungs, making it harder for him to breathe, but it was nothing compared to the fire in his head. He could feel it- the flames eating at his head, creeping down his neck to meld with the fiery cigarette smoke in his chest. Together, they would continue all the way down through his body until they reach his bare feet, and cover the white snow with orange flames, burning everything down, chaos washing over the otherwise quiet suburban snowy neighborhood.

How is everything so calm on a day like this? How does the snow keep falling on the ground, how are the wolves still howling in the distance, how are people just walking down the streets, all happy?

Don’t they know? Don’t they care?

How can a day like this be this pretty, why can’t they see the chaos under the surface? How is everything so different in Frank’s head?

Frank wanted to scream- to yell his lungs out and run far away, so far that he wouldn’t have the energy to come back, He wanted to stand on the snow covered beach, and then go into the water, let it freeze him, let it put out the orange flames that are licking at his skin, his flesh, his bones.  
But he didn’t do anything. Today, Frank Iero is not feeling grief, or anger.

Today, Frank Iero is not screaming, or drowning in the icy winter ocean.

Today, Frank Iero is sitting in the front yard, shirtless, in his favorite pair of jeans, snowflakes falling onto his head, and his bare shoulders, while he smokes a cigarette, letting the ashes fall on his pants.

He wondered if he’s only going to feel like that today. He wouldn’t want it to keep going on like this; he wouldn’t be able to bear it.

It’s incredible, what a great effect a date can have on a person. After all- it’s just a number on the calendar, nothing more, but the way it can stir a persons insides, the way it can eat a person’s mind- is unnerving.

He didn’t mind the ashes staining his jeans. He took a final drag, a really, really long one, before throwing the cigarette into the ashtray, and then coughing so hard that he thought his throat might rip open for a second.

No, it wasn’t the first cigarette of the day. It was the third, actually, and Frank wasn’t intending to stop at three. Perhaps the next one will help.

Maybe, he’ll put the fire out with more fire.

Today, that logic made sense to Frank.

His phone started ringing. When he glanced at the device, he saw his mother’s name, illuminated in the blue light from the screen. He knew why she was calling. It was because it was this day. They’ve never talked on this day before. Frank loves his mother, but he needs to be alone right now. On this day, he can’t take care of both himself and her- he’s just a kid who took a head dive into adulthood.  
He turned his phone off, and closed his eyes, sighing heavily. No interruptions today.

Frank softly shuffled his feet into the snow, burying them in the cold flakes until he felt the grass beneath. Maybe having them covered with wet snow will prevent the orange flames from coming out.

They’d stay in Frank’s body for now, bottled up. If they’re going to hurt somebody, they’ll only hurt him. It’s all about control. Frank needs to stay in control, because when Frank loses it, he loses it bad, and ends up with a broken wrist, or a broken mirror, or a broken mind.

Something always breaks.

Frank straightened up in the wooden chair, and reached for the table to roll another cigarette.

He placed a piece of rolling paper in front of him, then a filter, and then gently put some tobacco in the center, pausing to cough before starting to roll it up. The paper was getting a little wet from the snow, and Frank could only hope it would burn properly despite the wetness. He licked along the edge, and stuck the cigarette shut.

He proceeded to lean both of his elbows on the table, putting the stick between his lips and lighting it before taking a long drag, once again feeling the burning in his lungs.

He exhaled deeply, following it up with a loud cough. A cancer patient smoking, filling his body up with more cancer.

His cast was getting soggy from the humidity in the snow. It felt a bit icky, but Frank didn’t mind. It was all so…

Surreal.

It was all like Blue Frank, in his dreams, forever and always being plagued by despair and loneliness.

Frank leaned his forehead on his left hand, and smoked with his right, it went on for a while, until Frank spotted Gerard, walking down the short pathway to his house. When his eyes landed on Frank, he stopped in his steps, a blank look taking over his features. Frank froze.

He was not expecting this. What is Gerard doing here? What’s going on?

Why today?

It took a couple of seconds for Frank to realize how truly bad the situation was, and he got up and off his seat.

When Gerard came back to reality from the shock of seeing the scene, he looked angry.

Gerard- angry. Gerard- engulfed in orange flames- a sight Frank has never seen before.  
He was walking towards Frank, and Frank just stood there, frozen, unable to think, unable to move.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Gerard asked as he approached Frank, trying to take cigarette out of his hand, but Frank took a step back, his own eyebrows furrowing with anger.  
“What the fuck are you doing?!” He spat back. It wasn’t Gerard’s fault- but him being angry set off Frank’s switch, Frank who had enough anger issues as it is.

Gerard stood for a while, not coming any closer, a safe distance between them.

Why, why today.

Then, he dashed at Frank and before he could even think of resisting took the cigarette from between his fingers and threw it far away into the other side of the yard. It landed on the wet snow, and went out.

“What the hell’s your problem?” Frank said, taking another step back away from Gerard, who now had an expression of shock anger on his face.

“My problem? What’s my problem?! I’ve been spending every moment of my life the past few months on helping you get better and that’s how you repay me? No, Frank, you’re the one with the problem. You have cancer! And you’re fucking smoking? Do you have any idea how bad that is?!” Frank stood there, quietly glaring at Gerard.

“Jesus, and you’re not wearing anything! It’s 15 degrees out, are you so bent on ruining everything I did for your health?! I’m so disappointed in you!” Gerard said, as he scrambled out of his coat. He approached Frank, trying to put the coat on him, but Frank kept dodging his tries and backing off.

“Get away from me.” He said venomously as he pushed Gerard’s arm away once more.

“Stop acting like a prick.” Gerard responded, and was now grabbing Frank’s arm and more forcefully trying to put the coat on Frank.

“LET GO OF ME!” Frank yelled, pushing Gerard’s chest roughly, strong enough to make him stumble backwards a few steps, a surprised look washing over his face, orange flames licking closer. Frank then coughed loudly a couple of times, throat throbbing with fire. Gerard stood there in shock for a short while, holding his chest, staring at Frank.

“This is not you.” He finally said, shaking his head. Frank scuffed and laughed mockingly, crossing his arms over his bare chest.

“Go on then, tell me what I am.” Frank said.

“The Frank I know wouldn’t be stupid enough to smoke while going through chemo.” Gerard said. “The Frank I know wouldn’t torture his body like that. Especially when it can hurt the people who love him.” He took a step forward. “The Frank I know would wear my coat because he gives a shit about me. The Frank I know would let me take care of him and be grateful.” Gerard took another step forward. “The Frank I know wouldn’t be so mean.” Gerard said, as he tried to put his coat on Frank once more. Frank pushed him away again, even harder, making him fall down and clutch his chest, more in emotional pain than anything else.

“Mean?! You call me mean?! Gerard do you have any fucking idea what’s going on with me today?!” Frank burst out.

“I-“

“No, shut up! Why did you even come here?! Why today?!” Frank then stood, arms crossed over his chest, looking down at Gerard.

“I just, I wanted to surprise you. I thought we could play chess.” Gerard said, now looking defeated, more defeated than Frank has ever seen him. He nevertheless got up and tried to take a step towards Frank.

“Don’t. Fuck off. Stay away from me.” Frank said, turning around and sitting back down in the wooden chair.

“Fine.” Gerard said, and then grabbed the tobacco bag from the Frank’s table. “You wouldn’t ever have to worry about me again. Don’t talk to me.” He said, as he walked away, putting his coat back on and sticking the tobacco in his pocket, and leaving it there. He stopped and turned his head back to look at Frank once more with a disappointed angry glare before disappearing behind the corner.

It took a few seconds for him to come to before Frank stood up and fell flat on the snow with his bare back. At that moment he started crying. Frank didn’t usually cry. He was looking at the clouded sky while he did, unable to clam down, coughing while he cries, the complete mess which is Blue Frank lying defeated on the ground.

Why did he do that to Gerard? What’s wrong with him? He’d never, ever want to hurt him. It’s just this day- this day that has this effect on him.

“Make it stop.” Frank begged in a small voice, not even knowing to who, closing his eyes as snow flakes kept falling on him. “Please.”

But he knew it wouldn’t stop. Not today.

Because on this day, eleven years ago, his father died.


	17. Teal Absolution

To say that Frank Iero wasn’t doing great lately would have been an understatement.

It has been a couple of days since he had that massive fight with Gerard. On that day, he lay in the snow for a very long time, crying, waiting for something to happen.  
He throat felt pretty sore after, and he was coughing quite hard, but it was just a cold and the symptoms subsided a few days later.

When he looked at himself in the mirror, it looked more like Blue Frank. He looked like shit. He had bags under his eyes, and he was even paler than usual, and his lips were chapped from the cold. Though, it was a different shade of blue- maybe closer to teal, a bit of green venom mixed in.  
As he did sometimes, he’d try to smile at himself in the mirror, but it turned out broken, and sad, and blue.

He could say with absolute certainty that was one of the worst days of his life- but the next couple of days were only slightly better. He felt horrible, regretful, and shocked by what he had done.

Gerard didn’t deserve that. He would never, ever deserve that. Gerard only deserves everything good in the universe and much, much more. Gerard- the golden superhero, taking care of everyone, giving his mind, body and soul for the well being of others, sacrificing himself.

Frank knew that Gerard too has been going through a rough period- he should have been more caring, gentler. He can never think clearly on that day, and this time it came with a massive casualty.

Frank just wanted to hug Gerard, and apologize, and show him that he cares about him more than there are atoms in the universe. 

Right now, Frank was thinking of that dream- of him standing on the shore of the icy, deep, indigo ocean where he had always been alone, yet on that particular night he was accompanied by Gerard, feeling calm, linear, not wreaking chaos. Instead though, right now, the ocean wore a menacing shade of teal, toxic to the touch, quietly hazardous.

His mom came over the next day, and they talked things over, but didn’t touch the big elephant in the room. They’ve never spoken about Frank’s father and he wasn’t quite sure he was ready for that yet, though he did show his mom the cleanup job he did on Crimson Raider, played for her a little, and it seemed to have made it quite emotional.  
She remembered his father playing it, back when they were young.

She seemed okay. Frank wasn’t.

And right now, Frank was sitting in the waiting room next to the radiology room to get his cast removed. He remembered that day, when Gerard brought him there, fixing everything when Frank was at his lowest.

His heart was racing, nearly beating out of his chest, just at the thought of Gerard being there. Frank would apologize when he sees him, he’ll make everything right.

He sighed, and then breathed heavily, trying to slow down his heartbeat. He took the phone out of his back pocket and unlocked it, staring at his inbox.

‘Hey, what happened?’ Read a text from Mikey, followed by a couple more.

‘Frank?’

‘Hey man, are you ok?’

‘It’s okay if you don’t want to talk. I’m here whenever you want to.’

Mostly, Frank didn’t answer them simply because he didn’t really know how to- assuming Gerard would have told Mikey everything at this point. Mikey probably hates him, and Gerard hates him even more, and heck- Frank hates himself most of all right now, he’d bet. This needs to change, he thought, and started typing.

‘Hey, Mikes. I’m really sorry. I did something horrible, and I need to work on fixing it. I acted like a mean piece of shit and ruined one of the best things that have ever happened to me. I’m not doing so great. I hope you’re having a great week.’

Yeah, that would be okay.

As Frank lifted his eyes from the screen, he saw Fabrizio the radiologist walk towards him, smile shortly and sit beside him.

“Finally time, huh?” He asked.

“Yeah.” Frank breathed out, looking down.

“What’s up with you? You don’t look great.” Fabrizio said, furrowing his eyebrows at Frank.

“I’m not great.” Frank admitted.

“Did something happen between you and Gerard?” Fab asked, and Frank looked at him.

“How’d you know?” Frank asked, surprised.

“He was acting weird. When I asked him how you’re doing he just said ‘hm’ with a poker face. So I figured something must have gone down.” He explained.

“Yeah. Well, it’s all my fault.” Frank said, looking away. Fab patted his shoulder.

“It’ll all turn out okay, trust me.” He said to Frank as he got up. “Gotta get back to work, I hope you work it out soon.”

“Thanks.” Frank smiled at him as he walked away, in the direction of the radiology room.

Soon, he’ll be all done with his third chemo cycle. It will all be over soon, and another chapter of his life will begin. He’d need to fix things up with Gerard beforehand.

He felt absolutely horrible about what he did.

He pushed Gerard. He told him to fuck off. To stay away from him. How could he do that?

Before long, it was Frank’s turn to go in. They removed the cast, and Frank saw his right hand for the first time in a long time. It was very white, and it didn’t smell great, and it felt a little weak. His wrist seemed to be a little skinnier.

As he walked out into the hall his heart nearly stopped when he saw Gerard, walking about the hospital, with a blank face, occasionally shooting small smile at patients, his eyes obviously swarming with emotion, giving away the cover of the blank face.

Frank started walking towards him. Suddenly, Gerard’s eyes fell onto Frank, noticing his presence, his lips in a small ‘o’ shape.

He turned around and started walking away urgently. Frank ran after him, pushing past people on his way.

“Wait, Gerard!” He yelled, but before he knew it, Gerard entered a staff only room and shut the door behind him.

“Shit!” Frank cursed as he reached the shut door, leaning his head and his fist on it. 

Why was it so hard? How could he have fucked things up this bad?

He tried knocking on the door.

“Gerard.” There was no answer. “Gerard, please.” He said, sighing as he leaned his weight on the door. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please let me apologize to you properly.” Frank begged, but there was no answer- just the heavy metal door, a space of a couple inches setting them apart.

Frank waited for around fifteen minutes, occasionally knocking and begging Gerard to come out, but figured that Gerard didn’t want to talk, and all Frank was doing right now was being a nuisance and preventing Gerard from doing his job.

And so, he left and went back home.

As soon as he got home, he stripped out of his outwear and crashed on the couch, hating himself to sleep.

It was a couple of hours later when he woke up to the beeping sound of his phone, and checked the message.

‘Can I call you?’ It was Mikey.

‘Sure.’

And sure enough, a couple of moments later his ring tone sounded off, and he answered the call.

“Hey, Mikey.” He said.

“Hey.” A few moments of silence followed. “So what happened?” He finally followed up, surprising Frank just a little- he assumed Gerard told Mikey everything.

“Did Gerard not tell you?” Frank asked, sitting up in the couch, rubbing his bare chest with his hand, trying to generate some heat.

“No, he’s just been acting weird. He wouldn’t talk to me about it but I kind of understood it had to do with you.” Mikey explained and Frank sighed.

“I’m not sure I want to talk about it. I was just really mean to him and I feel horrible about it. I tried to talk to him today but he ran off and wouldn’t listen.” Frank rubbed his temples, the guilt filling his mind up like the salty teal water of the poisonous ocean. 

“He’ll forgive you no matter what you did, you know.” Mikey said, “Just approach him when he’s not expecting it.” And in the instant, Frank was hit with a sudden realization.

“Come to speak of it, what’s his address? I have an idea.” Frank asked, getting up. He had a plan of sorts, a plan he could actually go through with- physically he’s been feeling a massive improvement lately, the only times when he felt truly sick were after chemo. He could pull this off.

“Well, I mean, he’s here right now and probably will be for the rest of the day.” Mikey said.

“He doesn’t work Wednesdays, right? He wouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow would he?” Frank asked.

“No, he has a day off. I don’t know what you’re planning, but better make it good. He’s pretty upset.” Mikey said. Frank’ll make it good.

“Trust me, Mikes.” Frank said, and hung up.

He got up and within a couple of hours, he had everything ready. He put on his warm gray coat, his black scarf, and a pair of boots, and a fittingly colored pair of jeans- so worn out that they had a tint of teal to them, and headed out the door and into the cold with a big backpack on his back.

He walked to Mikey’s, and rang the doorbell. It took a couple of moments, but soon enough he heard the clicking of the lock and the door opened to reveal Gerard, shirtless, in a pair of sweatpants and a complete mess of tangled hair strands falling to slightly vale his face.

He looked surprised, for a couple of moments, but when Frank opened his mouth to talk, Gerard immediately tried to slam the door, Teal poison swimming around the scene.

Frank stuck his foot in, the door slamming on his heavy boot, leaving a crack through which he could only slightly see Gerard.

“Gerard, please.” He begged. Gerard looked down, angry and disappointed.

“I don’t want to talk to you, Frank. Please leave.” He said quietly, toxically, even, revealing his own ability to produce the teal toxin- oceanic and deep.

“I just want to apologize.”

“Move your foot.”

“No. Not until you listen to me.” Frank said, and Gerard seemed to think with himself for a short while.

“Fine.” He said, opening the door, crossing his arms over his chest. “Make it quick.” Frank breathed out in relief, moving his foot away from the doorframe, nearly expecting Gerard to slam it in his face right then and there.

But that’s Gerard. Of course he didn’t. 

“Gerard, I never meant to be so mean to you. I’m sorry. You got me on a bad day. You mean the world to me. Please forgive me.” Frank said, holding his bag straps bashfully as Gerard glared at him. A short silence followed.

“Frank, you hurt me.” He finally said.

“I know, I-“

“No. You hurt me. You stuck a knife in my heart, do you understand that?” Gerard said, all the teal venom in his voice now fading, turning into pain, into reality, into a deeper shade.

“I never meant- I never meant to hurt you. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take back everything I did.” Frank said, squeezing his eyes shut, hoping that maybe if he doesn’t see all the wrong in the world, it would cease to exist.

“You hurt me…” Gerard started, then paused to take a long breath.

“As bad as she did.” He finished the sentence, and Frank opened his eyes. 

And there was Gerard- no longer with his arms defensively crossed, but instead leaning against the door frame, one arm raised and bended at the elbow to cover his eyes, shirtless and vulnerable.

It made Frank feel this sort of rush, something coursing through his veins, suddenly filling his entire body with that sensation, that realization. He’d hurt Gerard as bad as violet. He hurt him.

And so, Frank came a step closer and wrapped his arms around Gerard. Gerard seemed confused, raising his arm away from his eyes to look at Frank. There seemed to be sort of a glimmer behind them, but soon enough Gerard closed them and shielded them with his arm once more, neither returning Frank’s hug nor pushing him away.  
Frank held onto him tighter.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He repeated multiple times. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” He said, and at last he heard Gerard sigh, and an arm wrapped around his shoulders, the other one still leaning against the doorway. Frank’s heart was beating faster. Gerard forgave- teal turning from something toxic to something calmer, something soothing

Of course he accepted Frank’s apology. It’s Gerard.

Frank doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. He himself wouldn’t forgive something like that.

“One of these days,” Gerard said, rubbing Frank’s shoulder with his hand, “You’ll tell me what’s going on with you.” He said bitterly, so badly hurt and betrayed. Frank was basically a monster to him, crushed him, and he still forgave.

“Today.” Frank said, as he gently pulled away.

“Now?” Gerard raised his eyebrow, crossing his arms over his bare chest once more.

“No. In Montauk.” Frank answered. Gerard looked at him as though he’d just landed from the moon. “Please, come to Montauk with me.” Gerard raised both his eyebrows.

“Montauk? Frank, that’s three hours away. And it’s freezing.” He said, shaking his head, then softly putting his hand on Frank’s back and pushing him into the house before shutting the door.

“I know, but there are things I need to tell you and I need to be there to do it. Please try to understand.” Frank explained, putting his backpack down for the meantime. Gerard was still looking at him skeptically. Frank was pleading him with his eyes, and finally Gerard sighed.

“Fine, I’ll go to Montauk with you, you punk.” Gerard said, playfully pushing Frank’s head, finally smiling a small smile which made Frank’s chest feel a little easier for the time being.


	18. Indigo Ocean

Frank hadn’t expected Gerard to agree to his obnoxiously effort inducing request, and was quite surprised to hear his response. Gerard really shouldn’t have forgiven him that easily- he is worth far, far more than that.

Of course, Frank wasn’t complaining- the plan was proceeding smoothly, and soon enough they were at the train station (because there was no way in hell Frank was letting Gerard drive for three hours even though he insisted), and Frank bought them both tickets.

 

They were going on the train in no time, and got a booth all to themselves which Frank found really, really nice. For a while he just sat quietly, looking at Gerard who was looking at the window, his chin leaned on his hand, watching the snowflakes melt as they made contact with the glass. His jaw line looked really nice from that angle, Frank thought, and then blushed with the sudden realization that he’d seen Gerard _shirtless_ but was too distracted to appreciate it.

 

“You got your cast removed.” Gerard commented, without taking his eyes off the cold glass, indigo shadows brushing over his face as the train moved.

 

 

“Yeah.” Frank responded, flexing his fingers to himself, appreciating the long lost sensation.

 

“Can I see?” Gerard asked, turning in Frank’s direction.

 

“Sure.” Frank said as Gerard straightened up, and removed the fingerless glove from his right hand, and placed it on the small table separating them, presenting it to Gerard.

 

Gerard took it in his hands softly, brushing over the bone in Frank’s wrist, then over his knuckles, so gently and tenderly that it inevitably made Frank blush.

 

“Your wrist is skinnier.” Gerard commented, his eyebrows furrowed while he examines Frank’s hand.

 

“Yeah, I know.” Frank said, too distracted by Gerard- he loved how he looked when he was concentrated.

 

“Your knuckles still have scabs on them.” He then said, as his thumb lightly brushed over Frank’s knuckles, feeling the rough scabbed skin where he basically butchered them in an angry feat of hysteria. It felt too intimate.

 

“Yeah.” He said, heart now racing, feeling Gerard’s skin on his own, like the deep indigo waves of the ocean brushing against him, soothing, healing. Gerard raised his eyes now to look at Frank’s face instead, examined it for a short while, and then with a soft smile, he gently placed Frank’s hand back on the table, leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest. He let out a small laugh deep in his throat.

 

“What?” Frank asked, now crossing his arms as well.

 

“Your cheeks are filling out a little. I like it.” Now Frank gave out a short laugh too, looking down. Gerard likes it. That’s good.

 

Maybe life isn’t so bad after all- maybe when Gerard’s around, as long as Frank lets him interfere, life is too afraid to turn to crap- afraid that Gerard the superhero would crush all of it’s tries to make things bad for Frank. They sat in silence for a while- calm and happy.

 

“Gerard, I’m really sorry.” Frank finally said with a deep sigh, still washed over by regret- he’d probably never forgive himself for that.

 

“It’s okay-“

“No, Gerard. I’m really fucking sorry, okay? I mean, fuck, I _pushed_ you, I went physical on you, I am so fucking sorry.” Frank said, and it was the first time he said it while looking into Gerard’s eyes, being that before Gerard was basically refusing to look at him.

 

“The physical part hurts the least, Frank.” He said quietly. “Emotional damage is far more painful.” Yeah, he’s right, Frank thought.

 

“I didn’t mean anything I said. I was just frustrated. I want you around, that will never change. I’m sorry.” Gerard smiled at him.

 

“It’s alright. I forgive you. All in the past.” This man was amazing, Frank thought, as he smiled back, taking off his other glove to open his backpack.

 

“I’m not done apologizing yet. See, you know I’m not good with words so…” He said as he fumbled through his backpack, and took out a tupperware, opening it. “I made this for you. It’s vegan pizza with tomatoes and onions and I left it out for a while because I know you like it cold.” He said, now taking out a thermostat cup. “And I made you a home made version of your ginger cinnamon cappuccino, roasted the beans myself and everything.” And before Gerard could say anything, Frank took his chessboard out and placed it on the table. “And I brought this so we could play.” He said, looking at the surprised Gerard in front of him, an amused smile on his lips. “I know it’s not much, but I hope it means something.”

 

“Not much? Frank Iero, you are extraordinary.” Gerard said, making Frank smile, and took a piece of the pizza, taking a bite. “Wow, this is, like, _really_ good.” He said, “You made this yourself?” Frank smiled and shrugged.

 

“I like cooking.” He said simply, now opening the chess board and starting to organize the pieces. It took a lot of effort to make everything from scratch, but it was really the least he could do for Gerard, and he would gladly do it all over again.

 

Gerard took a sip of Frank’s specialized coffee.

 

“Whoa. I hope you’re in for some work Iero, because I’m never going to Starbucks again.” Gerard said, exaggerating so much that it made Frank laugh.

 

“Come over to my coffee shop whenever you want. It has four stools and it’s in my kitchen.” Frank joked. Gerard raised the cup up in front of Frank’s face.

 

“Name this.” He ordered- Gerard never ordered, and it was kind of hot to be honest, which, Frank will have to think with himself about what that means later.

 

“Um…” He thought for a couple of moments, still placing the pieces onto the board. What would be most fitting? “Indigo sunset.” He finally said- because in his head, he was a dark blue, and Gerard was a magnificent bright shade of gold- the cosmos and the sun, the ocean and the sunset, forever bound by light and darkness. Gerard looked at him for a few seconds.

 

“Brilliant.” He finally said. “Thank you, it’s seriously unreal.” Gerard said, and Frank was instantly shaking his head.

 

“No, no, no, you don’t get to thank me, it’s my apology, just enjoy it.” Frank said, and Gerard laughed softly as he took the last bite of his pizza.

 

“Alright, let’s play.”

 

And so they did, and it wasn’t a short game at all, and of course, in the end, Gerard won.

 

“Checkmate.” He said, and Frank leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest and sighing. “Though, you nearly got me at the end there.” He said, and Frank looked up at him.

 

“What do you mean?” He asked.

 

“With that Wind from the West thing… It was really hard to get out of that. You nearly beat me.” He said, and Frank smiled, and truly, he didn’t know whether Gerard was telling the truth or simply trying to make Frank feel good about himself, but either way it was nice to hear. One day he’ll beat Gerard, He surely would.

 

And so they played again, and Gerard won again, of course, and that was just enough time for them to reach Montauk.

They stepped off onto the platform, instantly hit with the cold indigo air, sometimes caressing, yet sometimes attacking- deep and powerful.

 

“So,” Gerard said, “Where are we headed?”

 

“You’ll see.” Frank said, as he kneeled down to fumble in his backpack to find his fingerless gloves, and then put them on. “Let’s go.” Frank said, and they headed out of the station, passing a couple of streets until they reached the cold Montauk beach- the winter indigo ocean, surrounded by a sandy beach which was now covered with snow. It was eerily similar to that dream of his- the one with Gerard, making Frank feel a certain calmness, a serene nothingness.

 

It truly wasn’t all that cold, Frank thought; they shouldn’t have a problem walking around here. The cold would be the least of his worries in this situation especially considering the conversation they’re about to have.

 

His feeling changed drastically the moment he set foot on that snowy beach, remembering the last time he was there, how he never dared to come back, but now he’d come out stronger on the other side, with Gerard next to him, making everything possible.

 

He stopped in his tracks without even noticing, thinking for a short while. Gerard stopped too, then, looking back at Frank.

 

“You ok?” He asked, making Frank jump back to reality.

 

“Yeah.” He breathed out and started walking again, alongside Gerard, watching his black and gray striped scarf dangle in the wind.

 

They stopped somewhere on the shore, the spot that Frank could recognize from the scenery, a collective of memories hitting him like a speeding train, crashing his essence into pieces that would proceed to fall into the indigo blue ocean, chaos forever lost in endless silence.

 

They sat on the same brick fence Frank sat on eleven years ago.

 

“So,” Gerard started, “Why Montauk?”

 

“Just to talk.” Frank said, still hesitant and not quite ready.

 

“Why here?” He followed up. It took a couple of moments for Frank to come to as he fabricated the answer.

 

“When you saw me smoking, that was the anniversary of my father’s death. His parents lived here at the time and wanted him buried here. I never talked about it anywhere else. I barely talked about it at all, I guess.” It was quiet for a short while after that, and Frank got it- he wouldn’t know what to say either in that situation. There was only the stormy sound of the indigo waves crashing and splashing onto each other- creating their own chaos from the otherwise calm element.

 

“It’s just the worst day of the year for me, I wish it would cease to exist.” Frank followed then, looking down.

 

And then- Gerard put his arm around him, a supportive kind of hug, initial shock and realization subsiding, indigo waves getting smaller.

 

“I’m really sorry you have to go through that.” He said, “If only I knew I would have been there with you.” And Frank could tell he was being honest, as he always was, and he was of course right, as he always was. But Frank couldn’t tell. He couldn’t talk about it in detail at all, not even about the date, since he hasn’t conversed about it since the very day it happened.

 

“I know. I should have told you.” Frank admitted, “But it’s hard for me. I’ve never talked about it.” Gerard now slowly removed his arm from Frank’s shoulders and glanced at him.

 

“You don’t have to right now, if you don’t want to.”

 

“No. It’s time.” Frank said and another silence followed as he was crunching chunks of snow with his boots.

 

“Whenever you feel like it just talk, I’m here.” Damn- Gerard was being so supportive, and after everything Frank did to him, he couldn’t believe it. He was quiet for another short while, and then took a really deep breath, feeling like the words are getting caught up in his throat, refusing to come out no matter how much he wants them to.

 

“I was seven.” He finally said, “When- when it happened.” Frank was finding it really hard to speak, and he had to push himself. Those words that were about to come out of his mouth never did before.

 

It’s okay, Frank. We all have secrets.

 

“My dad…” He stopped, pausing for another breath, a whiff of cold ocean air to maybe clear his foggy mind.

 

“My dad killed himself.” He finally said, and it felt horrible, and awkward, and like the worst thing to ever say, but it had to come out sooner or later, and it’s been eleven years. “I saw the body. I was too young to understand. I remember driving all the way out here to the funeral, and I remember running out, and coming here, and sitting here without doing anything. And I remember it not hurting then, and I remember being innocent.” He felt Gerard cover his hand with his own, maybe giving him the power to continue. “And I was really sick and grandpa moved back to his old house next to us to help with me. And when I grew older I started to understand and I was so mad and I didn’t ever want to forgive him. And now it feels like nothing sometimes, and other times I feel like I’m going to burst into flames.” He was crying now, as he didn’t usually do prior to his hospital stay. It felt alien now, in this situation, washing the tears away with the violent indigo waves on the snow covered beach.

 

“And I don’t want to hate him now but I mean how could he do that?” He stopped to hitch a breath, “How could he do that to me? To mom? To grandpa?” Frank wiped the tears away with his hand. “He’s a selfish piece of shit. And I wish I didn’t think that, but I do.” Frank got up then, on that empty beach where people with an ounce of proper judgment wouldn’t hang out in February, and ran- he ran towards the water, stopping at the shore, spreading his arms out and yelling at the top of his lungs.

 

“YOU FUCKING PRICK!” His voice was loud- louder than he knew he could conjure, and yet it was still drowned out by the crashing of the waves. He wiped his tears away once more. “I HATE YOU!” He yelled once more, his throat nearly hurting as he did, but then a pair of arms wrapped around him from the back, strong and supportive, warm and golden, like the rays of the sun washing over him, melting the ice.

 

“It’s okay.” Was all that was whispered in Frank’s ear as he was being held, breaking down to build himself back up again, out of the blue and into the black.

 

He took a couple of deep breaths, cleansing the indigo ocean that seemed to have taken over his lungs, choking him, making him suffocate with each breath until it all flows out, leaving him able to breathe again.

 

He stopped crying.

 

Everything was quiet now except for the stormy ocean waves.

 

He shouldn’t get mad.

 

He promised himself he wouldn’t.

 

There he was standing- on the snow covered shore of the blue sea, still and quiet, Gerard hugging him from behind, and Frank not doing anything at all.

 

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Gerard said quietly. “Frank, if I only knew…”

 

“What if it was my fault?” Frank asked, more to himself than to anyone else- out of everything he’s ever felt about it, guilt never came into the equation. What if that was what he should have been feeling all along?

“Don’t say that, it’s not true.” Gerard said, softly letting go of Frank and coming in front of him, to look at him.

 

“But what if it is? What if he couldn’t handle me being sick?” In that moment, it made so much sense that Frank felt sick to his stomach.

 

“No.” Gerard said firmly, “When a child is terminally ill, a parent should want to spend all the time they can possibly afford with the kid, not cut it all off in an instant because it’s too much to handle. No matter how you look at it, Frank, it was never your fault.” Frank stood, breathing deep, the cold air burning his lungs.

 

It was easier, now. Gerard knows. He’s the only one who does. Frank is not alone in this. Frank sort of smiled at himself.

 

He took a couple of steps towards the blue, looking at the chaos. Gerard came beside him to his right, his scarf dangling in the wind, a sensation of calmness washing over Frank, just like that dream of his. This was the right thing to do.

 

“Isn’t the ocean menacing?” Frank said, smelling the salty air.

 

“Yeah. Ferocious.” Gerard responded.

 

“Violent.” Frank said.

 

“Endless.” Gerard said.

 

“Broken.”

 

“Powerful.”

 

“Lonely.”

 

“Full of life.”

 

“Unstable.”

 

“Deep.”

 

“Hurting.”

 

“Beautiful.”

 

“Me.” Finally Frank said, or rather, Blue Frank spoke out from the back of his mind.

 

“Exactly.” Gerard said, and turned his head to look at Frank, and in an instant, it all seemed to make sense. Gerard just called Frank beautiful, and Frank’s heart jumped right out of his body and straight back in. Maybe he shouldn’t wait to win that chess game, because right now, everything made sense to Frank, and everything felt so real and surreal at the same time.

 

Gerard was looking at him with that same glimmer in his eyes, full of wonder, and Frank was looking right back at him with the same amazement.

 

Frank came closer. Gerard didn’t back off. Instead, he turned his body to face Frank.

 

They stood for a while, and maybe Gerard felt it too, because he finally placed his hand on Frank’s cheek, instantly sending shock of electricity through his nerves, softly, yet with immense power.

 

“Just say the word…” Gerard said, “And I give you anything.” He was talking quietly, caressing Frank’s soul with his words, making his heart nearly beat right out of his chest. Frank was completely red at this point.

 

“Do I really need to say it?” Frank said, barely audible, eyes looking deep into Gerard’s.

 

“No.” He said, closing the gap between them, wrapping his other arm around Frank’s waist and locking their lips together.

 

Frank could feel his heart beating all the way up to his head, initially taken aback but soon coming to his senses and wrapping his arms around Gerard, getting high from his taste, his smell, the way his body felt pressed against his own. His lips felt like silk, almost, moving slow and tender, just wet and gentle enough to send shocks through Frank’s lips as they moved with Gerard’s. Frank thought he might _actually_ faint right now- for all the times he’d imagined the scene, he never thought it would actually happen, and at that moment nothing else seemed to matter or even exist at all.

He could feel the short stubble growing on Gerard’s face scratching him a little, and it was just a tiny bit painful but also nice.

 

He breathed out in pleasure, not knowing exactly when his eyes closed, making sure to savor that feeling, something different that he’d never felt before- deep indigo and bright gold coming together to form something different, the sun melding with the ocean, perfectly imperfect.

 

Real.


	19. Turquoise Reality

 

It was quiet after they broke apart. Gerard still held Frank close by his waist with his right arm, and let the other one softly glaze over his cheek, the back of his neck, the sharp line defining his jaw.

Frank just stood there, mesmerized, looking into the brilliant hazel of Gerard’s eyes, his arms gently wrapped around Gerard’s body.

 

It took him a short while to process what has just happened, and when it finally sunk in, Frank couldn’t help but turn all red and look away, let his gaze fall down. Gerard’s hand then moved to Frank’s chin and slowly tilted his head back up, forcing their eyes to connect once more, making Frank’s heartbeat accelerate.

 

Gerard gave him the most soft and loving smile he had ever seen, in that moment, and Frank couldn’t help but return it, still all red, not quite realizing how or when it happened, but knowing full well that he was absolutely head over heels for this guy- this guy, who was a bit taller than him, born a little earlier than him, the guy who always picks up the pieces when Frank falls apart, the quirky nurse who has to wear a ponytail because his hair is too long, the golden superhero who saved Frank so much more than once.

 

Gerard removed his hand from Frank’s face, and instead let his arms wrap around him in a soft, loving hug, letting Frank lean into his chest, shielding him from the cold ocean wind. He kissed the top of Frank’s head, sighing softly as he hugged him, neither of them having the need to say anything at this point.

 

Frank closed his eyes, inhaling Gerard’s smell, hugging him tighter, feeling so warm and protected, safe and stable in his arms.

 

He’s never felt like this before.

 

Slowly but surely, the storm subsided, and the waves in the ocean grew less violent, crashing slower, gently caressing rather than attacking. It stopped snowing at this point, and the ocean waves, instead of being the menacing, deep blue indigo, took on a shade of soft turquoise as the gentle rays of sunlight cut through the clouds.

 

“Frank.” Gerard said, softly asking for Frank’s attention as he was gently rubbing his back, up and down, soothing.

 

“Hm?” Frank replied, opening his eyes now, but not letting go of Gerard.

 

“I’m really sorry all of that happened to you.” He said quietly, placing another kiss on the top of Frank’s head.

 

“It’s okay.” Frank said, and at that moment, he felt like that didn’t matter all that much- because everything that had happened to him, all the tragedy he went through in his life has brought him here, right now, to be enveloped in the arms of the man that he was in love with, and all of that may have just been worth it.

 

“From now on, if we face something we do it together, right? Don’t hide things from me anymore. All I want to do is help you.” Gerard said, once again being the hero, washing over Frank with that same amazement once more, making him fall in love all over again.

 

“I wouldn’t. I promise.” He replied, and felt Gerard pull away a little, just enough to place a kiss on Frank’s forehead, sending shivers down his spine, proceeding to look into Frank’s eyes with his own, which were reflecting the now calmer turquoise waves in the soft light of the sunset. Frank could drown in them, if he wanted to, even if he didn’t, he could just stand there forever, looking at the brilliant hazel of Gerard’s eyes, reflecting the ocean, reflecting himself.

 

Once again realizing what just happened, Frank turned all red again. They kissed. Gerard and him. They just _kissed_.

Gerard likes him too, he _likes_ him.

 

“We should get back.” Frank said, “It’s getting dark.”

 

“Yeah.” Gerard said, and slowly pulled away as Frank made the way back to his backpack which was still sitting on the same fence.

 

Before he could reach it, though, with a muffled thump he felt a snowball hit him in the back. He turned around to see Gerard standing behind him with the most stupid fucking grin he’s ever seen, his hands red from the cold snow.

 

“Honestly, I was just trying to hit some happiness into you.” He said innocently, raising his arms, but Frank was already making a snowball of his own, the snow slightly sticking to his gloves, and with a mischievous smile chucked it at Gerard, who managed to dodge it and was already rolling up another one.

 

Before they knew it, it turned into a full on snowball fight, which Frank just realized he’s never done before, and damn it if it wasn’t the most fun he’s had in a very, very long time.

 

Finally, with as much strength as he could manage, he hit Gerard square in the stomach with a pretty big snowball, and he stumbled and fell backwards with a short huff. He lay in the snow without moving.

 

“Come on, get up and fight, ponytail!” Frank commanded, chucking another snowball in his direction but Gerard didn’t move.

 

“Gerard?” He asked, coming a bit closer. Maybe it was a bit much, hitting him in the stomach with a giant snowball; maybe it did really hurt him. “Are you okay?” He asked, now standing above Gerard, who had his eyes closed, and his hand on his stomach where Frank hit him.

 

“Gee?” He crouched down next to him, but before he knew what was happening Gerard grabbed Frank, making him fall down and pinned him to the snow, before sitting on his legs to block him from moving. “Hey, what-“ And then, Gerard took a bunch of snow in his hand and threw it at Frank’s face, sitting on him with a triumphant smile, his arms crossed over his chest.

 

“I win.” He declared, as Frank was spitting out the snow that got in his mouth.

 

“You cheat.” Frank said, splashing Gerard with a bunch of snow from the ground, both of them now laughing.

 

Frank sat up, with Gerard still on his knees. He wasn’t heavy at all, but he was obviously much stronger than Frank was, which, hey, Frank was still going through chemo so that didn’t really have to mean anything. Gerard seemed taller like that, obviously, he was taller than Frank anyway, but not by that far a margin.

 

And there were his eyes again, reflecting the turquoise blue sea, looking down at Frank, slicing through the barrier and into his soul once more.

 

Frank then took Gerard’s face in his hands, making him gasp.

 

“Cold.” He complained with a slight flinch, but Frank wanted to try his luck this time, and pulled Gerard’s face down to meet his own, connecting their lips with a soft kiss, a short one, before slowly pulling away.

 

He then looked at Gerard, still holding his face, and there he was- Gerard Way, the golden hero, always stable and confident, but now slightly blushing, a little bashful, a little surprised, vulnerable- turquoise.

His hair was falling over his face, and it was wet and covered with snow, and Frank thought it was absolutely adorable. He brushed his fingers through Gerard’s hair, making the solid chunks that were left fall back to the ground. With initial shock gone, Gerard smiled.

 

“You’re much bolder than when I first met you.” He said, and he was still sitting on Frank and it didn’t seem like he was about to get off anytime soon.

 

“Am I?” Frank asked.

 

“Yeah. You wouldn’t even hug me back then.” He said, “Also, you have snow in your eyebrows.” He said, and Frank laughed and brushed it away. He leaned back on his hands, feeling his fingertips dive under the cold snow.

 

“Come on, we should go. Get up.” Frank said.

 

“No.” Gerard said, attacking Frank with a hug, making him fall back onto the snow, laughing, happy. Gerard was so cute.

 

Frank hugged him back. “Come on.” He said, and Gerard got off of him and back onto his feet.

 

“Okay.” He said, offering Frank his hand and pulling him up. Frank grabbed his hand, and they made their way back to the train station.

 

When they got on the train, the sun had already set behind the turquoise waves, and darkness was starting to fall on them. They found an empty booth, and Frank sat opposite to Gerard, pulling off his wet gloves.

 

“Wanna play?” He asked, and Gerard smiled at him.

 

“Sure.” He said, and Frank took the chess board out of his backpack.

Together, they organized the pieces and started playing.

 

“Frank?” Gerard asked for his attention after he made his move, and Frank turned his gaze to him.

 

“Yeah?” He responded.

 

“You don’t regret telling me, do you?” He asked sincerely, eyebrows furrowed.

 

“What? No, of course not.” He said, taken aback by Gerard’s question. “It was my decision.”

 

“I just felt like maybe I made you feel pressured and I really don’t want that to be the case…”

 

“Hey, you didn’t make me feel pressured at all, all right? I’m glad I told you. I feel better.” Frank said, and moved his pawn, which was apparently a big mistake.

 

“I don’t want to pry, but…” Gerard said, and collected Frank’s pawn.

 

“Go on.” Frank said.

 

“Have you ever been to the grave?” He looked up at Frank. Frank shook his head.

 

“No. not since the funeral.” He said. “Why?”

 

“Well, I mean,” Gerard started, softly scratching at his head as he formulated the sentence in his mind. “As far as acceptance goes, it might help to actually see it.”

 

“No. I’m- no. I’m not ready for that, not even close.” Frank instantly objected.

 

“Your choice.” Gerard said, and they continued playing in silence for a short while.

 

“You know…” Frank then said, as Gerard was making his move. “When I was in the hospital, thinking I was going to die, at some point I realized I actually wouldn’t mind it.” Frank said, and Gerard looked up at him, eyebrows furrowed. “I wanted to see my dad and grandpa again. I remember it, thinking ‘Well, this isn’t so bad. I will be much happier there rather than here’. Do you get it? When I truly believed I was going to die, I actually managed to forgive him. That’s more clarity than I’ve ever felt.” Frank explained, and leaned back in his seat, a strange feeling washing over him like those turquoise waters, a realization of sorts.

 

“I think that’s partially good.” Gerard said, eyes locked on Frank. “That means someday you will forgive him. But it’s partially bad too, because no one should ever feel eager to die, Frank, even if they truly believe they have no choice.” Gerard explained further, spreading his wisdom around Frank, extending his point of view.

 

“You’re right.” Frank said, “But I’ve changed. I think I’m stronger now.”

 

“You are.” Gerard said, as they continued playing. “You know, when I first met you, I decided to make you my project.”

 

“What do you mean?” Frank asked.

 

“I had this urge to fix you, I mean, I usually do with patients, but it was different- never was it as intense as it was with you. I remember how they were looking for an emergency contact and saw that the only person listed was your grandfather and he had already passed away. You just seemed so alone, and broken, and just a kid, and like you so easily accepted your fate. I know that’s not who you are now, but back then I just wanted to gather you and protect you and make you happy. I promised myself, ‘I’m not stopping until I see Frank smile for real, until it reaches his eyes’.” Gerard told Frank, and it was the most heartwarming thing he’s ever heard- he never expected anyone to care so much.

 

“Did it?” Frank asked him, and Gerard made his move.

 

“Yeah.” He smiled, “But there’s always something else there too, but I reckon that won’t go away. It’s just a part of being human. We never cease to be miserable, we just learn to ignore it and put it in the back of our minds. Until it resurfaces.” He said, and it sounded awfully negative to have come out of Gerard’s mouth, but Frank figured Gerard isn’t perfect either, no matter how much he seemed like he was. Gerard gets sad too. Gerard isn’t _just_ the golden superhero Frank believes him to be. Gerard is human too, and it’s beautiful, and awfully real.

 

“Right now, I’m happy.” Frank said.

 

“I’m happy, too.” Gerard said, smiling. “But in about 0.5 seconds you’re not going to be.”

 

“What?” Frank furrowed his eyebrows, confused.

 

“Look down.” He did, and of course, he lost again.

 

“Damn it!” He muttered, as Gerard was chuckling, but it surely wasn’t Frank’s fault- how could he concentrate after what happened today? Sure, he can keep his cool on the outside, but his brain was zooming with thoughts, and the fact that Gerard looked adorable with his wet hair falling over his eyes and his flushed cheeks wasn’t a great help either.

 

After leaning back and sighing, accepting his defeat, Frank concluded that while fulfilling and incredible, this day has made him exhausted.

“Another round?” Gerard asked, and Frank shook his head.

 

 “No, I’m really tired.” Frank said, and put all the pieces back in the box.

 

“Come next to me, then?” Gerard suggested, and Frank complied, getting up and crashing next to him instead. He closed his eyes, and put his head on Gerard’s shoulder, as Gerard wrapped his arm around him and placed a soft kiss on Frank’s forehead.

 

It’s not always a dark, menacing shade of blue. Right now he’s happy- as simple as that, more on the surface- turquoise. Everyone changes shades- no living person has only one layer. There are infinite layers to each person, endless worlds to discover, and Frank wasn’t an exception.

 

Right now, at this moment, he’s simply happy.

 

And with that thought, and with Gerard’s hand softly stroking his arm, he drifted to sleep.

 


	20. Rose Gold

Frank Iero woke up on his couch, hugging one of the pillows, his jeans still on, shirtless, and utterly confused.

 

Did he just dream all of that up? Quite honestly, that sounded like the only logical explanation but he knew he didn’t- he saw that same backpack on the hanger next to the door, and his coat, too. His boots were sitting next to the door, a small puddle around them from the melted snow.

 

He turned to his back and just stared at the ceiling for a couple of seconds. He then raised his hands in the air, in front of his face, looking at the palms of his hands, then turning them around and looking at the backs of his hands. He flexed and unflexed his fingers.

 

Real.

 

So it really did happen.

 

Frank could instantly feel his cheeks start to burn, and turned on his stomach to bury his face in the pillow.

 

As he was lying there, a rosy shade taking over his features, he felt like he thought nothing, like he sensed nothing, but in truth, he was overwhelmed with his brain zooming with a million thoughts at an unreasonable speed, thoughts from which he couldn’t really isolate anything specific.

 

Finally, he concluded that he felt _awkward._

Suddenly- everything felt new, and unfamiliar, and _strange._

His heart was beating fast with the thought of what had happened. And general confusion was taking over.

What are they? Gerard and him? I mean, what was that? What does it mean?

 

“Ugh, come on…” Frank groaned, putting his cold hands to his cheeks to try and cool the rosy skin, but it proved quite ineffective because Frank just couldn’t stop thinking about it.

 

His phone beeped next to his left ear, startling him, nearly making him fall off of the couch and onto the floor. As usual, it was a text from Mikey.

 

 _‘Dude, something happen last night?’_ It read, and Frank hit his face with the pillow once more, letting it sit there for a while. Why was he feeling so awkward?

 

 _‘Why?’_ He replied, and got up, making his way towards the kitchen.

 

_‘Idk, G came over this morning to hoard the fridge as he usually does and he’s being awfully quiet and weird.’_

Frank turned the kettle on, then sprinkled some green tea leaves into his big mug.

 

 _‘Dunno dude.’_ Frank answered, since he didn’t know whether Gerard would like him to tell Mikey what happened if he didn’t even do it himself yet.

 

It was odd though- in Frank’s eyes; Gerard, who was always so confident and composed, self assured and collected, suddenly quiet, keeping to himself, more sensitive- a different shade of gold; gentle, sweet.

 

Rose gold.

 

Frank poured some boiling water over the leaves, and let the tea steep, looking at the small ¸crumpled, closed up leaves slowly open up, spreading wider, unfolding, coloring the warm water with a gentle green hue, dissolving in the smooth caressing liquid- both counterparts changing and evolving as a result of the other coming in touch with it.

 

And in Frank’s mind, it resembled the last few months of his life, him being closed up and shielded, yet opening up and moving forward after meeting Gerard- the way the both of them affected and molded each other like those leaves in the water.

 

Frank took a sip and sighed. All of that now ruined by…

 

_Awkward._

Frank decided that he’d go for a run, which he hadn’t done at all in a very, very long while. He got the ok from the doctor to now incorporate light exercise into his routine, and Frank could really use a run to ease his mind.

 

And so, he finished drinking his tea, stripped out of his jeans and into a pair of black gym shorts, and wore his old dry-fit black sports hoodie which he rarely ever used. He put on his running sneakers, and headed out of the door with his phone in his pocket and music playing in his earphones.

 

It was cold outside- though not as cold as the night before, and the snow seemed to be melting on the gray asphalt.

 

And then, he started running, and god, did it feel incredible- it felt so new, so real, _exhilarating._ He didn’t start out too fast, since he knew he should keep workouts to a minimal difficulty until he’s completely healed up, but between the music in his ears and the cold air slightly stinging his lungs, his feet moved on their on, propelling him forward at a massive speed.

 

After feeling trapped for so long, he finally felt _free_ \- and right now he was very much Frank, but not that very blue. Right now, Frank discovered another layer of himself, which he didn’t know was possible. Right now, everything was rosy in his eyes, and the music felt rosy in his ears, and his limbs felt like stems and leaves, and his head and his heart felt like Petals.

 

Right now, Frank was a rose- beautiful, romantic, feminine, but also spiky and withholding immense power, a special sort of power that was strictly his own and couldn’t have ever been someone else’s.

 

And so he ran, he ran far, and his legs weren’t listening to his rational head anymore, but rather pushing against him and dashing as fast as they could, not knowing whether he’s running away from something or reaching towards something, and not quite caring because at that moment, he felt so happy, like he was superhuman.

 

But obviously, he failed to account for the melted snow, and his leg slipped, and he slid for a couple of feet, his earphones flying out of his ears, cutting the fantasy short, before roughly landing on his ass and right knee and crashing into someone’s legs.

 

“Jesus, I’m so sorry.” He said before he could even look at the person, the pain radiating in his tailbone and throughout the lower half of his body.

 

“Frank.” Instantly recognizing the voice, he looked up, and Gerard was standing in front of him, in sweatpants and an old Death Note t-shirt (in the February cold, mind you), with a serious bed head and a confused look on his face.

 

Frank would say something, he’d answer if he didn’t have to be catching his breath from running so intensely, but all he could do now was try to get his breathing back to normal, and all he could feel was the intense burning in his face from the workout, and the sweat dripping down his forehead, now completely cold, doing it’s job of cooling him down. He got his right foot from under himself, wincing lightly since he kind of banged up his knee. It was bleeding, just a little, but it didn’t feel as intense as his heart beat and the air fiercely leaving and reentering his lungs.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Gerard asked, kneeling next to him as Frank was holding his chest.

 

“Yeah… Just need to… breathe.” He said between breathes, and man, did stopping a run abruptly suck more than Frank could have ever imagined- because only now, when he finally stopped, did he understand the intensity with which he was running.

 

When he finally cooled off a little, Gerard got up and offered Frank his hand, which he gladly took and stood up. Even so, he still leaned forward on his knees, breathing a little slower now, but still feeling the burning in his lungs.

 

 “Hey, you alright?” Gerard asked, with genuine concern, his hand on Frank’s shoulder.

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Frank said, nodding, and straightened up.

 

“You shouldn’t be doing that, you know. You should keep sports at minimal intensity, look at what it does to you.” He said, as he was brushing some snow off of Frank’s shoulders and _man_ was he absolutely adorable- from his messy hair, to his casual homey clothes, and the sun shining on his face as though he were an angel, and in Frank’s eyes, he might have as well been one.

 

“I know, I lost control of my legs, I guess.” Frank said, with a soft smile, simply because he couldn’t help it and couldn’t be bothered to stop himself. With memories from the day before flooding his head once more, he felt awkward again, almost like they suddenly turned into strangers and were starting over again.

 

“You’re all red and sweaty.” Gerard then said with a chuckle, lightening Frank’s mood and making him breathe out a laugh as well.

 

“Yeah.” He said, and looked down at his bleeding knee. How is it that no matter what he does, he always somehow manages to hurt himself in the most ridiculous ways possible? Honestly- he was quite amused by that.

“What are you doing here?” He finally asked, kind of curious as to why Gerard was roaming the streets in his pajamas in the morning.

 

“Well, I live around here and I’m out of coffee and mom and Mikey didn’t have any either, so I decided to run down to the store.” He explained, sort of rubbing his hair, and Frank didn’t know whether he was aware of that or not but it was really cute. Frank nodded, wiping some sweat off his forehead.

 

“Well, I guess I’ll get going now.” Frank said, since he felt awkward and out of place all over again, but Gerard gently caught him by the elbow as he started running away.

 

“You did enough for today, you shouldn’t run any more.” He said, and Frank turned back to face him. “Okay?”

 

“Okay.” Frank said softly, looking into his eyes, at his own reflection- his red, tired reflection. They were quiet for a while, and Frank wished he could say something- he wished he could tell Gerard how mesmerizing his eyes were, how adorable he looked after waking up, how deeply he loved and appreciated his existence, yet no words were coming out of his mouth.

 

“You hurt your knee when you fell.” Gerard noted, “I live nearby, do you want me to patch it up?” He asked, and though Frank would love that, of course he would, he couldn’t shake off the fact that he’s never been to Gerard’s place before, and they’re going to be alone, and they’d be forced to talk about what happened and Frank still felt uncomfortable about it.

 

“I’ll be okay, you don’t have to.” He said, but Gerard instantly resisted.

 

“I insist. Please?” He said, and with that look, eyebrows slightly raised, eyes wide and waiting for an answer, Frank just couldn’t find the power to say no.

 

“Okay.” He said, and Gerard started walking before him, and he followed. His knee hurt a little when he walked- he did bang it up pretty bad after all but hell, he’d take it, he hasn’t enjoyed a nice run in years. He noticed his earphones still dangling out of his pocket, and he stuffed them inside.

 

“Wait, but you didn’t get your coffee.” Frank said, since he didn’t want Gerard going out in the cold to have been for nothing.

 

“I did.” Gerard said, and Frank inspected him up and down but coffee was nowhere to be found.

 

“Where?” He asked, and out of the pocket of his sweatpants, Gerard took a small bag of coffee grounds out and presented it over his head, before throwing it in the air, catching it, and putting it back in his pocket like some sort of an anime character.

 

_So fucking cool._

Gerard’s place really was nearby, a five minute walk at most, and not far from where Mikey and his mom lived.

 

It was an average one story home, and as soon as Gerard unlocked the door and they stepped in, it hit Frank- that smell, that same smell he inhales very deep when he hugs Gerard. It instantly made him feel a thousand times more infatuated than he already was.

 

“Welcome, I guess.” Gerard said, as he took the coffee bag out of his pocket and threw it on the kitchen counter. It was really warm inside, and Frank would have opted for a t-shirt but he had nothing under his sports hoodie.

 

“Come on.” Gerard then said quietly, and gently took Frank by the hand, and Frank followed him into a large bathroom. He let go of Frank’s hand, and took alcohol, some cotton pads, and gauze out of the cabinet, putting them all next to the sink. “Sit.” He said to Frank, who oddly enough didn’t see a chair anywhere. “On the counter.” Gerard then said, and Frank went completely red. Gerard sighed.

 

“I’m not going to bite you.” He said, and Frank hopped onto the counter.

 

“Right.” He said.

 

“Pull it up a little.” Gerard gestured at Frank’s shorts, and he obliged, a rosy hue still present in his cheeks.

 

Gerard poured some alcohol over a cotton pad, and then touched it to Frank’s knee, making him wince slightly.

 

“Sorry.” He said, as he disinfected the skinned part, all the while Frank watching him intently, the look on his face, his serious, furrowed eyebrows, his hair falling over his face. “You should be more careful, you’re a massive klutz.” He then added, and Frank rolled his eyes.

“I know, I know… I can’t help it.” He said, and then Gerard started wrapping the gauze around his knee, and the feeling of his fingers on Frank’s skin, specifically the inside of his knee, a place that wouldn’t usually get touched, sent shivers down his spine, making his heartbeat accelerate once more.

 

“You’re not comfortable around me.” Gerard said, “After what happened yesterday.” Gerard said. “Does it bother you, what I did? If so, I’m sorry.” Gerard- usually gold, but now with a rosy tint on his cheeks, sweet, gentle, lovely.

 

“No, no, no! It didn’t- it doesn’t bother me it’s just…” Frank sighed. “It was different. For me. It was new.” He said, as Gerard patted the gauze shut softly. “I liked it.” He said finally, and Gerard looked up at him through his hair, quietly holding his knee for a short while.

 

“Did it hurt to walk?” He asked.

 

“Yeah, a little.” Frank answered honestly.

 

“Tell me if this hurts, okay?” He asked, and straightened Frank’s leg, then gently put it back and repeated it a couple of times.

 

“Just a little. It’s really not that bad, I-OW.” Frank then flinched as Gerard pressed on his knee from the side a little roughly.

 

“Oh, sorry.” He said, and softly put his hand on Frank’s knee. “You’ll be fine.”

 

“Yeah, I know that.” Frank laughed, because Gerard was seriously overreacting for something this small and insignificant.

 

“You know, you’re really cute in your gym clothes.” Gerard said, thumb circling on Frank’s leg. Frank was instantly red again, and there were so many things he wanted to say but couldn’t.

He put his hand on Gerard’s head, playing with his messy hair, because right now he really couldn’t help himself, which earned him a sweet smile from Gerard, which he returned.

 

“You’re really cute in pajamas.” Frank said, and Gerard came closer to put his hands on Frank’s hips. Frank brushed some hair away from Gerard’s face, and let his other hand rest on Gerard’s side, sending electric shock through his fingertips.

 

“I like you.” Gerard said.

 

“I like you, too.” Frank replied, and then Gerard brought their lips together, and Frank was once more drowning in all the sensations, in the excitement, in the smell. Gerard softly moved his lips against Frank’s, and Frank sighed into the kiss, softly tugging on Gerard’s hair, before pulling away. He wasn’t all that sure of himself, all of a sudden, and ended up dropping his gaze.

 

“What is it?” Gerard asked, still softly holding onto Frank’s hips as he sat on the counter.

 

“You’re like, really cool. And confident. And mature. And strong. And a proper adult. And I’m just a kid.” Frank said.

 

“Frank, I think you’re forgetting that I’m only 23. The fact that I have a degree in nursing doesn’t mean I don’t have insecurities. Trust me Frank, you’re much more mature than I am.”

 

“What? How?”

 

“It shocks me when I realize just how much you went through, how much tragedy you’ve experienced, and you still manage to move on and live life, and do it the best you can. I adore you. I look up to you.” Gerard said, gently rubbing Frank’s side with his thumb.

 

“ _You_ look up to _me_?” Frank asked, a dumbfounded look on his face, and Gerard nodded.

 

“Yes. I look up to you, Frank Iero.” Gerard- a golden superhero and Gerard- still just a kid in his twenties. Gerard- confident and commanding, and Gerard- admiring Frank, sweet, caring, rose gold. Gerard- close. Gerard- real.

 

Frank then put his hands on either side of Gerard’s face, and pulled him in for another kiss, never getting enough of that feeling- so new, so powerful, so exciting. Their lips moved together tenderly until they pulled apart, and Frank still held Gerard’s face, Their foreheads touching, their eyes closed, just feeling each others presence, inhaling each others smells.

 

“Gerard?” Frank then said quietly, not opening his eyes still.

 

“Hm?” Gerard responded.

 

“What are we?” Frank asked, and it was quiet for a while, until Gerard pulled slightly away with a sigh and kissed Frank’s forehead.

 

“Let’s just see where it goes.” Gerard said, and Frank wasn’t expecting anything more than that, really. “Ew, you’re salty as heck.” Gerard added, and Frank burst out laughing and softly pushed him away by his chest and jumped off the counter.

 

“Have you had breakfast yet?” Gerard asked and Frank shook his head.

 

“Good. Help me make banana pancakes then.”

 

And at that moment- they weren't Gerard, the confident adult and Frank, the confused teenager- they were both just disoriented, out of sorts kids, living in the moment, not perfect and not anywhere close, but trying their best to figure life out. Gentle and rosy, yet bright and intense- rose gold.


	21. Rouge Rebirth

Frank Iero was standing in his bathroom, in front of the mirror above his sink. A towel was hanging from his waist, and small drops of water were still sliding down his neck, his back, and his chest.

 

He stared at his reflection, and smiled, his cheeks taking on a rouge shade.

 

He’s been doing that a lot lately, remembering that somewhere, some time ago, he’s read that it’s supposed to promote actual happiness, acceptance, and reduce anxiety.

 

Some days, when he smiled at himself it looked natural, real, happy- with that long sought for glimmer in his eyes, and on those days he thought he looked fantastic and felt incredible too.

 

But as much as we want to, not everything can be solved by smiling at yourself for fifteen minutes, and it takes much more than that to heal.

 

On the other side of the spectrum, on some days he would smile at himself and it would be a broken, lifeless smile, odd, out of place. Some days, his smile looked alien to him, like that most certainly can’t be Frank, and Frank’s smile can’t actually look this sad.

 

This day, it wasn’t either of the two.

 

Today, Frank was pulling up the corners of his lips in front of the mirror, and it neither looked radiant and completely honest, yet it didn’t seem all that alien. It may have looked a little sad too, but it didn’t look broken. He’d say it’s not quite bright pink today, but rouge.

 

If he had to put it into words- today his smile seemed not glowing, but with a slight sheen, and not broken- but slightly cracked. Today, Frank wasn’t standing on either of the extremes; today Frank was in limbo, somewhere in the middle, traveling between them.

And truly- that was the best situation, because right now he’s traveling on a more stable line, and not about to fall off the edge on either side.

 

Traveler Frank- curious, enjoying the journey more than the conclusion, simply getting on with life rather than anything else. Rouge. Stable. For now, at least.

 

Frank let his smile subside, and was left there looking at his regular face now, his big wide eyes staring right back at him. He slightly turned his head to the side, and brushed his fingers across his jaw line. Sometimes it felt like the guy in the mirror was simply mimicking him, and might just start doing his own thing at any moment, not caring about real Frank. As much as that surreal sensation felt like it might suddenly take place, it never actually happened.

 

The guy in the mirror brushed his own jaw line with his fingers, and when Frank reached out his hand, the guy did the same thing, nearly touching their fingers through the glass, mere millimeters away. As close as it may have seemed to Frank right then, it was simply…

 

An illusion.

 

Frank thought he said something. It was either ‘you or me’, or ‘you are me’, which were polar opposites.

 

Both were probably true. There’s Frank in the mirror- traveling somewhere in the astral plane, and there was Frank in the observable universe, in the Milky Way galaxy, in the solar system, on earth. And they were both so different, but ultimately, they always have been and always will be the same person.

 

And right now, the two of them were nearly touching, so close to melding together, shattering the illusion and forming a brand new refreshing reality.

 

It’s been a while since he saw Gerard. It has actually been so long that since the last break between chemo sessions, that some hair was starting to grow on his head. Frank let go of his reflection, and instead brushed his fingers over the short stubble of hair that was growing from his scalp. Now that- that truly felt alien.

 

They had been texting, they did keep in touch, but Gerard was so busy with work and everything that they just never really got together, and Frank didn’t have a session in while.

 

Two weeks? Three? Frank didn’t really know. He just knew that after that day when they ate breakfast together in Gerard’s place he came home, and smiled at himself in the mirror, and has been doing it ever since. And he hasn’t seen Gerard ever since.

 

And today- on this day, it was already March, and it came in like a lion, and the snow on the streets has melted by now, and today was Frank’s last chemo session.

 

He had been running a lot, though more carefully than when he first did, and he got a membership in the pool and started swimming, since he wanted to build his body nicer but he wasn’t allowed to do weights yet.

He looked himself up and down.

 

He looked the best he has in years now.

 

His skin was looking much more radiant and healthy, and he didn’t know how to explain it, maybe it was because he was finally treating his body right, but his jaw looked much more defined.

It made him look older, as though in a matter of months Frank transformed from a child into a young adult.

 

He felt like a different person, and he didn’t know whether it was good or bad.

 

His mom, a couple of nights ago, said that he has changed for the better. She claimed that he was more confident, smarter in his actions, and a handsome young man. Frank didn’t know how much of that was actually true, I mean- his mom was biased, he was her only kid, of course she’d think all that.

 

“Right.” He finally said with a sigh, and smiled at himself one last time before getting dressed.

 

Today, Frank starts a completely new chapter- from now on, Frank will be healthy again. Frank will be free, finally- of the disease, of the demons from his past, of the anger at his father, of the broken relationship with his mom, of crying over his granddad, of his own violent anger issues.

 

Frank will start anew, he already has, but from now on it will be official. Today, Frank will start from rouge, and will slowly uncover the rest of the layers along the way.

 

And so, as he was pulling his jeans on, he thought- and he realized it all in that instant. Everything- every single one of those things he’s managed to overcome thanks to one person.

 

Gerard. It all came down to Gerard. It was always Gerard.

 

And in that moment- in that single moment Frank’s hands let go of the button of his jeans, and he was paralyzed with sheer infatuation for a couple of moments, and it was so intense that he felt like he was about to cry.

 

He loved Gerard. He _loved_ him. For real.

 

And then he pulled himself together, because he was most certainly not about to cry now, and he finished getting dressed and headed out of the door, walking all the way down to the hospital, through those familiar glass doors, down to the cancer ward, until he was being called in for his last chemo session.

 

He was alone mostly, save for a couple of other people getting the treatment, and there wasn’t anyone he knew in there this time. He sat through it in silence mostly, just thinking things over.

 

What will he do now? Will he go back to working at Jeff’s record store?

 

Maybe.

 

What major will he choose? Which college? Frank really needed to start figuring his future out, because his granddad’s savings and a teenage job wouldn’t really get him all that far.

 

He had decent grades in high school, more than decent, he was a pretty good student, with an average of around A- and a proper SAT score he could get into a nice university, and truly, Frank loved studying so much.

 

His phone beeped, and he fished it out of his pocket.

 

_‘When do I pick you up?_ _J_ _’_

He had Mikey pick him up after chemo, obviously, since he didn’t feel all that well after the treatment usually.

 

_‘Around 40 min should do it thx man’_

He sent the text, and went back to pondering.

 

As he kept wracking his brain thinking what he should do with his future, he realized that Gerard hasn’t come today. Usually he’d come to chat with Frank for a little whenever he was here for chemo, but he didn’t even enter the room, and Frank didn’t even see him in the hall as he usually did through the open doors.

 

Oh. He didn’t even mention it to Gerard, did he? As a nurse, once a patient is released to go home and not hospitalized anymore, he wouldn’t be involved anymore, and if Mikey never mentioned it he would have had no other way of knowing.

 

The last drop of liquid dripped through the long tube, and into Frank’s bloodstream, and that was it. It was over. There were still a couple of minutes to spare.

 

Frank was feeling a little overwhelmed as he got up, realizing that this was the last time he’d ever sit in one of those chairs.

 

His phone beeped once more.

 

 _‘Runnin 10 min late sry’_ Read a text from Mikey.

 

 _‘No problem’,_ Frank responded, and went out into the halls of the hospital. He didn’t see Gerard anywhere, so he decided to just go out and walk around the hospital because this time, thank god, he didn’t actually feel all that bad.

 

He walked around the large building, until he got to the parking lot at the back side of the hospital.

 

And then he could see, behind the curving of the wall, a pony tail, and a nurse’s outfit, and his heart started racing, and as he got around the curve enough to see the full figure, it turned around.

 

And there he was- Gerard, Frank’s hero, his savior, and with a surprised look he noticed Frank, and then smiled, and Frank couldn’t help it anymore.

He bolted towards Gerard with all his might, and he wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him down for a passionate, intense kiss, and he was so fucking _in love_ that he just couldn’t hold it in.

 

Because everyone knows that feeling- that feeling when you see the person you love most for the first time in a long time, and it feels like the world has been reborn.

 

Gerard was taken aback at first, but soon wrapped his arms around Frank’s frame, responding just as passionately, until Frank broke away, gasping for air, jumping back to reality.

 

It seemed as though for that short while the world simply stopped moving, stopped doing anything else, and the only thing that existed was the both of them.

 

Gerard was looking at Frank, mesmerized, with rouge cheeks, and it felt so odd to Frank, because it was usually the other way around. Frank was probably smiling the goofiest, widest smile in the universe at this point.

 

“My god,” Gerard said, putting his hand to his chest. “You surprised me.” He said, letting a breath out. “I barely recognized you at first.” He followed up, and brought his hand up, softly brushing the emerging hair on Frank’s head and _jesus,_ it felt incredible, almost making Frank shiver with the touch, as though somebody injected a love potion straight into his veins.

 

“Gerard, today was the last time. I had my last chemo session.” Frank said with excitement, and Gerard raised his eyebrows in surprise, and then hugged Frank real hard.

 

“That’s incredible.” He said, as Frank’s pressed his head into his chest, as he loved to do, to listen to Gerard’s heart beating. His heartbeat was elevated, almost like Frank’s and it might have just been the best sound in the world, like music, unraveling secrets.

 

They were hugging like that for a couple of moments, before Frank pulled away. Gerard was then looking at him, at awe, before smiling softly.

 

“You look amazing.” He then said, as he inspected Frank, “Even better than you used to.” Frank blushed, his face taken over by a rouge shade once more, and he didn’t quite know how to respond.

 

“Thank you.” He said, and it was quiet for a short while. “Wait, why are you here?” Frank asked.

 

“It’s my break time, I drove over to get my new dobuk.” Frank looked at him with furrowed eyebrows.

 

“Your _what_?” He finally asked and Gerard laughed.

 

“It’s the equivalent of a kimono but in Korean. For taekwondo.” He explained.

 

“Oh, that’s pretty cool.” Frank said.

 

Gerard looked really nice today. His eyes were shining bright in the sunlight, and his cheeks were just a tiny bit flushed. The left corner of his mouth was curled up in a small smile.

 

“Guess I won’t be seeing you here anymore, will I?” Gerard said, a bitterness underlying his words, and it kind of stung at Frank’s heart too.

 

So many memories, so much growth.

 

“I guess not.” Frank said, and silence fell down on them, a bittersweet type of silence.

 

“I’m glad you’re beating the illness, but I’ll miss those times.” Gerard breathed out.

 

“Me, too.” Frank said. “But,” He started, now with a slight smile on his face, “I can make you dinner sometimes. And you can help me get fit. And we can play Borderlands, and don’t think for one moment that I am giving up on trying to beat you in chess. This isn’t over.” Frank said, and Gerard kind of laughed, and then dramatically leaned against the wall, and put the back of his hand to his forehead.

 

“Oh, Frank Iero, you have me completely smitten.” He said, making Frank laugh now, and he felt so, so happy that he’d get to uncover more layers of Gerard, to get to know this guy better with each and every day that passes, whether in the hospital or out.

 

Frank stepped in front of him, and got on his tiptoes to plant a short sweet kiss on his lips.

 

“With my offers of chess and video games. Of course I have you smitten, Gerard way.” Frank said sarcastically, but Gerard patted his head.

 

“Need a lift home?” He asked, and Frank thought he was absolutely adorable.

 

“Your brother’s picking me up, it’s cool.” He said, and just as he did his phone beeped. “Speak of the devil. See you.” He said, but before he could leave Gerard grabbed him by the arm and pulled him in for a short hug before he left.

 

“Catch you later.” He said, and Frank smiled and turned away. “Oh, and by the way,” Gerard said, and Frank turned his head around to look at him.

 

“If you keep practicing chess with Mikey, you’re never going to beat me.”


	22. Ash Pheonix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for not updating last week, I was actually all the way out in Finland for an Arctic Monkeys show! They've been my favorite band for like six years and it was unreal, unlike any concert I've ever been to and I am highkey in love with Alex Turner ok bye

Is This It by The Strokes was spinning on the turntable in Frank Iero’s living room, the crunchy yet smooth sound of the music spilling out of the speakers, making it’s way down the stairs and into the basement of the house, where Frank was sitting on the floor, and trying to sort out all the rubbish that has piled up underground. Everything had an old, ashy tint to it, slightly covered in dust, yet nothing had an unfamiliar or strange feeling to it. Even the things Frank had never seen before felt like they belonged.

 

It’s been a very, very long time since the last time he’s been down there, but recently he decided that he’s going to turn the big basement into a lounge of sorts; He had another amplifier down there, his dad’s old one, his granddad’s old drum set, and his own first electric guitar which he could turn into a jamming corner, and he had a couch and a small projector which he could make his own tiny cinema out of.

But before he did any of that, he wanted to paint the peeling walls, and lay down a carpet, and to do that, he needed to make sense of all the stuff that was taking up a ton of space.

 

And so, he took out every single box, laid them all out on the floor and sat down, starting to sort through the things he found- making a pile of trash, a pile of keepsakes, and a pile of his grandfathers belongings, which he didn’t really know what to do with and will probably end up finding a special place for in the empty garage.

Frank has always liked working with his hands- making things, painting walls, helping his grandpa fix his car- so honestly, this was kind of a treat for him as well.

 

Frank took the time between his last chemo session and this rainy Sunday morning to think things through, to figure out what he truly wants to do, weighing his options with himself. It has been around a week, a little more, and in that time Frank took the time to visit Jeff, and they talked, catching up, and Frank helped him do the dishes and vacuum the house. Jeff got another employee for the store, so they were now a crew of three in the record store, and so that was decided for Frank- Jeff had a lot of help now, Frank didn’t feel obligated to work there anymore and Jeff didn’t expect him to. Frank decided that he’d just come over every once in a while and help Jeff around the house like he used to instead.

 

Next came the other debate- should Frank go to university?

 

He spent a long time sitting in front of his computer, researching different schools, trying to decide on a place to go to, but he couldn’t quite yet decide on a major. Money wasn’t an issue- Frank's been working at the store ever since his grandfather died, spending nearly all of his time there so that he doesn’t have to think or feel anything, and so he saved up quite a lot of money, and combined with his granddad’s savings, it was more than enough to get him through school and keep him far from hungry until he could get a job after receiving his degree.

All that was left is to choose a school, choose something to study, and apply, crossing his fingers, hoping that he’ll get accepted.

 

In Frank’s mind- he was thrown into adulthood way too early, but since then he’s halted, stopping in place and staying there, not really moving forward for way too long. But with the recent changes in his life, he felt so strongly that it’s time- every single thing was screaming at him to get on with it, to stop sulking, to make something of himself- to realize that he was worthy enough to make something of himself.

 

As he was cutting open one of the boxes he sneezed, and the shaking of his wet hair left droplets all around him, including some letters which he hasn’t looked over yet.

 

“Oh, crap.” He muttered, not yet used to having wet hair. It was growing at an alarming rate, and it was much longer now, enough to fall over his forehead just a tiny bit, but still short and choppy and a complete mess, and it was probably going to stay this way until it grew out a little longer, long enough to have Greg make it look a little nicer.

 

Frank just came back from a morning swim, and after taking his shower, he put on a pair of old ashy jeans and went straight down to his basement, and maybe it was a mistake, and maybe he should have waited until he dried down, and maybe he should have put a shirt on, because he thought he might be getting a cold.

 

“And all together it went well, we made pretend we were best friends…” Frank was softly humming along to the music, and taking one of the letters, shaking it slightly to get rid of the water, and blowing on it to get rid of the ashy layer of dust. It was a military letter, his grandfathers, and Frank read it, and smiled. There was a lot more to his grandfather than he ever knew, and it was a delight to see that kind of stuff.

 

And then, all the way up, he heard the doorbell ring. Frank got up, and made his way up the stairs, finally reaching the front door, and opening it.

 

Gerard was standing there, smiling, his hair completely drenched, lightning slashing through the sky and thunder now completely silencing the music.

 

“Get in already, you dork.” Frank said, grabbing Gerard by the shoulder and pulling him inside, swiftly closing the door and leaving the storm behind him, now back inside where it was warm, and music was playing, and it felt like a completely different universe, even though the sound of raindrops was still tapping on the windows.

“How did you manage to get this drenched?” Frank asked, taking the towel that was hanging on his neck and putting it on Gerard’s head, starting to wipe his hair dry.

 

“I mean, I thought I’d take a walk and then it started raining. Wasn’t clever enough to bring an umbrella along.” Gerard said, his head sort of moving from side to side as Frank forcefully wiped his hair dry in the funniest way possible. “Mikey said you might use some help with something,” Gerard said, as Frank hung the towel back around his own neck, “So I decided to grace you with my presence.” Gerard said, sort of bowing like a butler or something and ending up with all his wet hair in his face. Frank laughed, brushing Gerard’s hair away, and Gerard smiled in return, taking his coat off and putting it on the hanger.

 

“Do you want some coffee?” Frank asked, making his way to the kitchen.

 

“Oh, yes.” Gerard answered, following Frank, sitting down at his kitchen table, trying to make his hair look a tiny bit more presentable with his fingers. Frank made his famous concoction which Gerard loved, and he gulped it down, insisting that it was the best cup of coffee on the planet.

 

“So,” Gerard said, as he put down the empty mug, “What are we doing today?” he asked, and Frank took his hand, pulling him behind.

 

“Come on.” He said, and they made their way down to Frank’s ashy basement.

 

“Woah, this place is cramped.” He commented, standing in one of the only empty spots on the floor of the large basement.

 

“Exactly. So, I was planning on painting this place and making it, like, a Frank cave, but all this bullshit needs to be sorted out before that can happen.” Gerard crossed his arms over his chest.

 

“That’s pretty cool, I dig it.” He said, “But,” He continued, gesturing to all the boxes, “I think it’d be a better idea to get all of this out of the way and paint first. I mean, sorting it out is useless since you’ll have to take everything out to paint the walls anyway. Get my drift?” He said, looking at Frank.

 

“Yeah, actually. That makes sense. Better move it while most of it is still packed in boxes, I guess.” Frank said, and they went to work. They carried all the boxes and the instruments to the garage, leaving the room empty.

 

“Okay, one, two, three.” Frank said, as they pushed the surprisingly heavy couch away from the wall and to the center of the basement, leaving the walls clear. Frank then covered the couch with a large plastic cover, just in case.

 

“All right, let’s get painting?” Gerard said, rubbing his hands together.

 

“You might want to take your shirt off first.” Frank said, and Gerard threw a suspicious look in his direction, crossing his arms.

 

“Are you trying to get me naked, you punk?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

“No, you idiot,” Frank laughed, “The paint stains. And I really like you in that shirt.” He said, and Gerard shot him a smile before pulling his shirt off and hanging it on the stair rail.

 

“So,” Frank said, as he went to the basement bathroom, and brought out a box full of spray bottles, “I got this really dope organic, fume-free, non toxic, fast drying spray paint.” He said, as he put the box down on the floor, and there must have been like 40 bottles inside.

 

“I think you went a little overboard there, Iero.” Gerard said, crouching down and grabbing a bottle of paint.

 

“Whatever, better safe than sorry.” Frank said, as he caught the bottle Gerard threw in his direction.

 

“I really like the color, though.” Gerard said, inspecting the soft toned ash color, a warm grey, something to make the place feel like home, to make it look like asphalt after rain, like the serene calm after experiencing sharp pain and having it be done with.

 

“Yeah, me too.” Frank said, and they started spraying down the walls. Turns out Frank was completely right in getting forty bottles of paint, since each bottle ran down pretty quickly.

 

“Jesus, go paint the other wall already, I’m doing this side.” Frank muttered for like the millionth time, but Gerard insisted.

 

“No! If we run out of paint, it’s better to have a couple of walls completely done rather than have patches of paint on different walls, it’ll look ridiculous.” He said.

 

“We won’t run out!” Frank said, trying to nudge Gerard out of his way. “Mooveeee.” Frank complained.

 

“I’m kind of in the middle of something.” Gerard said, proceeding to spray right under the ceiling, where Frank couldn’t reach.

 

“You can do that later, you’re in the way.” Frank said.

 

“You’re a nuisance today, Iero.” Gerard said, and Frank was already ticked off enough, and so, Frank took his bottle and sprayed right across Gerard’s side, coloring him in the ashy color. Gerard cringing away, and lifting his arm to look at his side.

 

“What the fuck?!” He tried to brush the color away but it already dried down, and he lifted his eyes to look at Frank with an angry glare, which turned into an evil grin, and it didn’t take long for Frank to realize that it’s time to _go go go,_ and so he ran away, trying to circle around the couch and get to the stairs, but Gerard was quick, and he jumped right over the couch, and managed to catch Frank and tackle him to the ground.

And it was already too late, because within mere seconds Gerard was sitting on his legs, with Frank begging for his mercy, but before long Gerard was spraying the color down on Frank’s chest, and it tickled so much Frank thought he could die, and Gerard was taking his sweet damn time.

 

“No! Stop!” Frank was saying between giggles, tears coming out of his eyes.

 

“All done.” Gerard then said with a smile, and got off Frank, and now the word ‘dumbass’ was presented on his chest. Gerard chucked the empty bottle away and crossed his arms over his chest.

 

“You prick.” Frank said, looking down at himself, trying to rub at the paint, but it wasn’t going anywhere.

 

“There are consequences to every action, Frank.” He said, kind of condescendingly, turning away and going towards the box of paint, and Frank decided that this was his chance, and he got up and sprayed a large ‘X’ on Gerard’s back in two swift motions.

 

“Right.” Frank said, and as Gerard turned around he jumped on him, making him fall down to the ground, the positions now flipped, with Frank pinning him down, and spraying the word ‘ponytail’ on him, as Gerard laughed and writhed under him.

 

“There.” He finally said, putting the bottle down and sitting up, still on top of Gerard “All done.” He said, and Gerard looked down at the writing and then back at Frank.

 

“Very mature.” He said, as he lay back down on the floor, and he didn’t really seem to care all that much, and he even laughed a little. Frank softly brushed his fingers along the letters covering Gerard’s chest, and he realized the it was the first time he really got to touch Gerard’s skin, to feel his body like this, and Gerard wasn’t stopping him, and he was just lying there, letting Frank feel his skin under his fingers, letting Frank’s heart beat accelerate.

 

“And there you were,” Gerard said finally, “saying you weren’t trying to get me naked.” He laughed and Frank jerked his hand away, his face going completely red.

 

“S-sorry…” He said, feeling so awkward, and so embarrassed, in a way he never did before. I mean, he didn’t even ask Gerard if he could touch him.

 

“It was a joke.” Gerard said, and took Frank’s hand, softly putting it back on his chest, right where Frank could feel his heartbeat radiating through his fingers, sending little shocks through them, the soft thumping melding with the pumping of the blood through Frank’s veins.

And then, Gerard put his own hand on Frank’s chest, and it was a little cold, like his hands always were, and no doubt he could feel the racing of Frank’s heart, and Frank never realized how intimate just touching someone’s skin felt, how skin on skin contact barely even felt like touching at all, but more like electricity, more like rain and lightning, like something Frank has never felt before- like when the human body isn’t just a body, like how infinite it is, like how it’s more similar to something vague, like a feeling, like waves of wind slashing through a forest.

 

“Your hands are always cold.” Frank said.

 

“Yeah. You say that.” Gerard responded, letting his hand slowly fall down.

 

Frank let his own hand travel up, softly brushing against Gerard’s collar bones, against his neck, along the line of his jaw, around his neck, and finally, he brushed his thumb across Gerard’s bottom lip, Gerard’s eyes closing. And then he leaned down, letting his own eyes flutter shut as well, and he locked his lips with Gerard’s, and he let his tongue do the same thing his finger did, making Gerard sigh softly under his touch as his hand traveled around to the back of Gerard’s neck. Gerard’s tongue brushed against his own then, and it was odd and unfamiliar, and _good_ , and this was the first time Frank has ever kissed someone like that, and he almost felt as though a current was surging through his lips, and down through his entire body, reaching his heart, making it beat faster and faster. He couldn’t contain the quiet gasp that escaped his lips as Gerard’s cold hands found their place on the sides of his hips, and he could feel the slight buzzing of Gerard’s short laugh against his lips, before he slightly bit his lower lip to silence him. Gerard hummed against his lips, and in return, he brushed Frank’s hip bone, and it felt so intense, too intense for Frank to take it anymore and god damn it, _fine_ , Gerard wins. He pulled away and got off Gerard, laying on the floor beside him.

 

He then noticed that his breathing was quickened, and he felt hot all over, and he was even a little sweaty, and it was kind of embarrassing, because he was so excited, but Gerard must have done it a million times before.

 

They lay in silence for a while, until Gerard turned to lie on his side facing Frank, and propped his head on his hand. Frank turned his head to look at Gerard as well.

 

“You’re flushed.” Gerard said, and I mean _of course he was_ , how could he not be after what had just happened?

 

“Don’t look.” He said, and shielded Gerard’s eyes with his hand. Gerard pushed his hand away gently, before taking it and kissing Frank’s knuckles.

 

“Come on, we’re halfway done.” He said, and they both got up, proceeding to paint the walls, chanting the words to ‘Hard to Explain’ as they did.

 

And quite quickly, they were done, with two bottles to spare.

 

“Looks good.” Gerard said, as they were standing in the center of the room, admiring their work for a couple of moments. “I think this color is very Frank.” He said. And smiled at Frank.

They proceeded to carry all the instruments back down first, creating Frank’s little jamming corner, and as the walls dried they pushed the couch back against it. They carried all the boxes back down, and started to sort through them all.

 

“Woah.” Gerard said, as he opened a box filled with dried up old bags of tobacco. Frank glanced at it.

 

“Yeah, I used to hide these from my grandfather down here.” Frank said, proceeding to cut open another box.

 

“You didn’t do that good a job.” Gerard said, handing Frank a polaroid picture. It was a picture of him, sitting in the backyard when he was about sixteen. He was shirtless, in his favorite pair of jeans, had bags under his eyes, and he was smoking, his pants stained with ash. He remembered that day. He thought his grandfather was sleeping. He never realized he knew all along. He flipped the picture around.

 

_‘Though my field may have already burned down,_

_Yours is still bright in flames,_

_And it’s hard to decide which is more tragic;_

_The one that has already turned to ash_

_Or the one that inevitably will.’_

“Look.” He said and nudged the photo to Gerard, who quietly read the writing, and then flipped it around to look at the picture again.

 

“You look really sad here.” He commented.

 

“I was.” Frank said.

 

“I think you should keep it.” He said, and gave it to Frank.

 

“Me, too.” Frank said, and put the photo in the keepsakes box.

 

At this point, they were quite close to finishing, and all that was left was one box, which Gerard was opening while Frank was putting all the things he decided to keep on the shelves, making the room look really nice.

 

“Ah!” Gerard suddenly exclaimed, “Here’s the culprit.” He said and Frank looked at his direction. He was holding an old fuji polaroid camera, opening it. “And it still has some film in it.” He added.

 

“Oh, that’s cool.” Frank said, coming closer and Gerard snapped a picture of him.

 

“Hey!” He explained, as Gerard pulled out the little piece of film that came out and was fanning it, waiting for it to develop. “It says dumbass on my chest, I don’t want a picture of that.”

 

“You will.” Gerard said, and showed Frank the picture, and yeah, he figured it was funny, and he couldn’t help smiling. He then took the camera, and snapped a picture of Gerard too, and after fooling around with the camera for a while, they went to do the last thing that needed to be done before they could lay down the carpet, which was fixing the dehumidifier.

 

And so, Frank was laying with his back to the floor, under the humidifier that was hanging on the wall, trying to find what jammed it, pushing random plastic pieces out of the way.

 

“Okay, try it now.” Frank said, and he heard Gerard press the button but the machine just started roaring angrily once more.

 

“Nope.” Gerard said, turning it off.

 

“Oh, there it is!” Frank said, as he noticed a piece of paper stuck between the fans. “Now.” He said, after pulling it out, and the device roared to life once, and continued buzzing quietly.

 

“Yes!” Gerard exclaimed, and Frank threw the paper somewhere on the floor, before wiggling out from under the dehumidifier, and once he did, Gerard snapped another picture of him.

 

“Dude, come on.” He said, as Gerard added the picture to the rest of the pile.

 

“God, your face is dirty.” He said to Frank, offering him his hand and pulling him up. “Wonder what this was.” Gerard said, picking the paper up from the ground, and starting to read.

 

“Today; nothing. I looked at faces today. They seem farther away each time, like I’m an alien gazing down at them from the sky. The sense of reality is slipping, and it feels like the only thing I do lately is just let things happen to me. I can’t actively do anything anymore-“ And Frank’s eyes went wide as he recognized his own words, back from when the only way to make sense of his thoughts and feelings was to put a pen on a paper and let it write, and he quickly snatched the paper out of Gerard’s hands.

 

“Don’t read it. Please.” He asked, Gerard looking at him, surprised. “It doesn’t matter.” He continued, and Gerard stood quietly for a couple of moments.

 

“Frank.” He said, quietly, softly, taking a step towards him. Frank crumpled up the piece of paper and threw it on the ground.

 

“It’s just more trash. You don’t need to see that.” Frank said.

 

“ _Frank.”_ Gerard said, coming closer. “ _My Frank.”_ He wrapped his arms around him, soft and protective and _dear god,_ hugging skin on skin was a completely different experience, and it felt so warm, and real, and loving, and Gerard was warm, and his hands were cold and his skin was smooth, and Frank melted under his touch, wrapping his own arms around Gerard. His hands were stroking Frank’s spine, as they often did when they hugged, but this time it was so different, so affectionate, so intimate. And then Gerard slowly pulled away, and picked up the crumpled piece of paper, opening it back up.

 

“Can I?” He asked, looking at Frank, eyes wide, begging for approval. Frank sighed.

 

“Go ahead.” He said and Gerard read in silence, his eyebrows furrowed one hand unconsciously stroking his chin as he read seventeen year old Frank’s most personal thoughts and feelings which he never dared share with anyone ever before. As he finished, he put the paper on one of the shelves.

 

“It’s not trash.” He said and went towards Frank. “It’s a part of you. It’s the ashes of a burning field.”

 

“I’d burn those ashes if ashes could burn further.” Frank said, and sat down on the couch.

 

“But consider Faux.” Gerard said, as he sat down next to Frank.

 

“Faux?” Frank asked, looking at him.

 

“Yeah. Faux the phoenix from Harry Potter. Like how they go up in flames when it’s time for them to die, and then they are reborn from the ashes. I think you’re like that. And if there were no ashes left at all, there would have been nothing for you to have been reborn from.” And there he went again- Gerard, saving Frank over and over again, making him accept even the parts he hated most about himself. And at that moment he loved Gerard- he just loved him, so intensely and so deeply that he felt as though he had fallen into a deep void where everything was Gerard and Gerard was everything.

 

And so he sat there, for a while, looking at Gerard in awe, not quite knowing what to say or how to react.

 

“Yes.” He finally said, and Gerard chuckled a little, and kissed Frank on the nose, which was something new, and nice, and loving.

 

“Point is. I don’t care who you used to be, and for the record, I think that person was beautiful. Right now, you are the most amazing person I’ve ever known. Right now, Frank Iero, I am completely amazed by everything you do and say,” He said, as rubbed some dirt off of Frank’s face, smiling, “Right now, your face is covered in dirt, and your chest is advertising you as a dumbass, and I think that you’re the prettiest person on the planet. And right now, all I want is to protect you, and help you, and be with you.” He tried to brush the choppy mess on Frank’s head away from his face, but failed to do so, since right now Frank’s hair had a mind of it’s own.

“I guess, what I’m trying to say is I like you more than I’ve ever liked anyone and I want us to be exclusive. I mean, if you want to.” He said, and he was softly brushing Frank’s cheek with his fingers.

 

 

_Yes, yes, yes!_

 

Gerard was actually asking Frank to be his boyfriend. And of course, of course Frank wanted to, dear god, he was so in love that he felt like he was flying somewhere off in space.

 

And Frank couldn’t really answer other than throwing himself at Gerard in a big hug.

 

“I’m assuming that’s a yes.” He said, and hugged Frank back. “ _My_ Frank.” And Frank loved hearing that, in Gerard’s gentle tone, as he was pressed against him, feeling his skin.

 

And when he thought about it, Frank needed those ashes so badly, and he didn’t even know it, because without them he wouldn’t have been here, right now, holding the man that he loved, getting to call him his boyfriend, his savior.

 

And before they went upstairs to play a game of chess and rest a little, Frank took those polaroid photos and put them up on the shelf, because Gerard was right, and Frank did want to keep them, even if they turn to ash.


End file.
